Forgiveness Sucks

 

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32 (NLT) 

 

 

Instead? Is that because I'm not going to be kind, tenderhearted, or forgive people. This one is tough. Im so angry inside, for people being so mean and knowing it. I read and think. This makes me scratch my head and rack my brain. It just sucks, because I'm too kind and tenderhearted, but I have severe forgiveness issues. Once you hurt me, your done. Make them pay, make them suffer. Why when I am kind do people look for ways to use me, take advantage of me, poke at me, push me. Look at what we did to Christ, he did all that and we crucified him. Yet that was part of the plan. Why is hardship always part of the plan? Sometime's I just can't believe we went through with the divorce. I feel at times, we were so busy that we just treated it like another thing to get done. I was so lost. I was in a survival mode of my life. I was sexting several women on a daily basis. I was pushing in my therapy too. Susan had always deserved better than me. I was way too much for her. My poor kids, they witnessed soo many arguments that they just didn't understand.  My youngest will still say to us that she loves both of us.  Life is just tough. I'll never marry again.  I'm not even thinking of movies anymore. I can't commit to anyone woman. I can't even commit to God. 

Lets end this blog. I don't even know how to title this thing. Forgiveness sucks, it really does. Because its going to happen again. Even though Christ said forgive them 70 x 7. Which really means never stop forgiving, by the time you get to 490, its pretty much your nature to forgive.  Hits me, Forgiveness is a process, its not a onetime thing. Why? because they are going to do it again and again and AGAIN!!  I need to study this more.

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6 (NIV) 

 

I find that I'll be anxious if I don't have full knowledge of whats going on. This was a problem in my marriage. One thing I really like is that there's no more anxiety in my life to deal with. I think also in my News career being that I have no idea what to expect at work, my anxiety is down. I just really go with the flow and just make it happen. I read and think. "Every Situation" sticks out. I don't pray with thanksgiving in every situation until I need to. I'm always thankful and see something good out of things. I think its supposed to be for those who get anxious. I sip some of my mocha with an extra shot, because I just passed out. Anxiety reminds me of all the overacting I experience in the streaming shows these days. I seriously refer to my DVD and Blu Ray library for real stuff to watch besides Cobra Kai. Nothing is what it seems anymore. I read and think again. By prayer and petition and thanksgiving. Man, God wants the whole thing. Usually if I get anxious its too late haha. Usually everything turns out fine. I should have done that before. I have actually been worried lately about whats to happen next year. I can't really afford my apartment anymore, but I felt God say to me, Humble yourself for yourself (a different blog). 

It hits me, God has everything under control. I don't. I wish I did. Even a divorce he knew was going to happen. He wasn't blindsided, He wasn't caught off guard. He's teaching me boundaries and to be honest with myself. I'm not anxious about it but its definitely humbling. I don't know what this remaining pandemic will result of. The economy has totally changed.

Hazard lights

 Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

 

 

I've always been a loner. I never had that group of guys that would hang out, like on TV. I just never craved it. My siblings are the same way. I guess were just independent. As I read and think about this passsage, I'm amazed of how I don't let people influence me as I once did. I've always been misunderstood and laughed or critized for not getting it, when really I was light years ahead. I have in the past apologized for practically living. I would be taken advantage of, because I have a good heart. I read and think. "Let it" sticks out. Its those moments when I'm hurt that my light doesn't shine. I get depressed and go silent and put my light out. Whats weird though, is that people can tell that I'm hurt and they want my light to shine. Do they realize they are the ones that convinced me to put my light out revealing my darkness. Then I start struggling trying to find my way turn the light on. These days I hike or I try to inspire myself especially when my sexual activity gets going and I really need it. Depression, sex, frustration, anger, stress really puts your day on stand still. I'm amazed of how I battle my struggles more than depression. In my marriage, I battled sex way more than I did when I was single. Do they really see a light shining? I don't. If anything they see Hazard Lights. Now that I'm divorced, its more monitoring my feelings and urges about what not to do and self control. The PTSD from my marriage is soo apparent. I have kids and have to keep whats important for them first. My temptations aren't nearly as severe than when I was married. The clock just kept ticking. I watched soo many movies with single parents and now I kind of get it. I'll never marry again. Marriage is clearly for your extended family and friends, not for you. Its for the anniversary of how long I can live in hell. That's what the congrats are for anyway. The vows are a joke too. What they should say instead is. 

 

Sarcasm at all times, life is way too short, you have to laugh most of the time.

When we go broke, we remain an team. When we get rich, we remain a team. no whining

When dealing with family, don't be selfish

When we get sick, no complaining about why this happened again.

When another person or something gets in between us, we expect it and are not surprised.

We agree to disagree.

Hits me,  Why should people look at me anyway. I look at them a bit, especially the girls. I don't care what people think of me really. When I get hurt, they know it. It's more hazard lights that I'm showing anyway.  I need to keep letting my light shine, even if I see hazard lights. regardless whether its accepted or not. They can do with it, what they want.

Humble Myself for Myself

 2 Corinthians 9:6

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

 

 

So I'm at Starbucks. I find myself needing more space these days. I'm kind of broke too. Since the divorce, I have felt more generous to anyone really. I don't really care anymore. I don't make much money, but the money in my car is pretty much gunna sit there unless I use it.  "Remember this" sticks out to me in this verse, why? because I'll forget. For soo many years I would shew anybody away that wanted money from me. I would often immediately think about my debts and be like "not right now". Now I'm like, fuck it, just take it. I'm tired, I need a drink, brb. Ok, got my Mocha with an extra shot. It should help me finish this thing.  I have my Sam Adams at home. Yes Susan and I divorced in January after 12 years of marriage, I'll explain why in other blogs. I moved out. We didn't tell the kids until after Christmas as to not ruin everything. Its been an eventful year. I felt a bit free at first but then I missed the kids. They helped me move and find a place. One thing that God kept hinting to me was to focus on my own therapy. So i began to finish the Dukes of Hazzard series, I finally finished and something hit during the last episode. I could tell how sad the actors were to end it. Some how I felt free from my past a bit and got motivated to move on and I went and hiked a mountain. I then realized I wanted to go meet the cast of the Dukes of Hazzard in November, which never happened.  God kept telling me to Humble myself for myself. Usually I'm humbling myself for my job or for someone else but never for me. Its hard to do. I don't think of me a lot, because there are soo many people with needs out there.

It hits me, I need to give when I feel I need to give. Whatever it is. I need to Humble myself for myself. To protect me. I'm not looking for Prosperity or reaping good.

 #dukesofhazzard #Samueladams #Starbucks #mocha #divorce #2corinthians9:6

 

 

You Matter

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!
Proverbs 15:23 NIV

You Matter, comes to mind. It's a retrack I did about 2 years ago now. With all the negativity in the world, Cheryl Rice made up some cards with the phrase "You Matter" and began handing them out to everyone, the response was awesome. When we got the story, by just editing it for our 9 pm show, I was touched.  I ordered a bunch myself.  As I read and think, I'm amazed of how you true this is. That apt reply is so important, just a quick thank you or Hi especially when you know them. Now everyone's different, i understand that. As for me, I think i've only regretted it once ( because they really didn't want to anyone to see them). We are a hurting people that a simple gesture can change someones day.  Sometimes I just need to say hi. Telling someone they're doing great. And especially when they come to mind, check in on them. I feel like I'm a kid at times, why as an adult do I still need affirmation and kindness? Can't I provide my own affirmation and kindness and support. Usually I can spontaneously laugh with outbursts, actually that's how
I am. I'm just like Jim Carrey on Ace Ventura, hell pretty much all of his movies. Life without spontaneity is dull. That's the news actually, we can't predict anything. We get a plan together, but wow that can change. Thats what makes it fun. I love change, I hate structure, well for the most part. I can take it for a bit, but not always. And that's when i need to affirm people. Because in a media environment appreciation can easily slide right by and the day is done, when everyone kicked butt. Its amazing how good I feel about myself when i appreciate someone else. Time flys, the clock keeps ticking, I have to seize the moment. You Matter!!

Here's a link to the you matter card website

https://youmattermarathon.com/

Authentic Desire

I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:8 NIV

Desire sticks out to me. Man do i have desires, and sometimes I have none and just seize the moment and do nothing. I was watching Christopher Robin the other day, (a sleeper movie). Doing alot of nothing often leads to the very best kind of something.  If you need a napping movie, this will warm you up to the point of passing you out. Similar things are old sci-fi movies, fantasia, and jackie. Sip some water, I read and think. my mind doesn't want to do his will, my heart does. My heart hurts alot these days. I was in a spiritual coma for most of my life until I had an emdr test (actually 5) and the Trauma I experienced at the age of 3 and 4 and into my youth was replaced with positive and inspirational thoughts. I'm not fixed but my authenticity is back, the struggles come and go. I feel I make things way to complicated and need to just chill.  Then why do i constantly battle God's word. Is it within my heart? Yes i know it, this isn't black and white. I think this is why David said he desired to God's will, because he did. As do i, however thats not always the case. David didn't always do God's will, but he desired too. Its hard, I struggle. Being a dad and husband, I've made countless mistakes.  I continually go by Yoda's philosophy " do or do not, there is not try". When Im at work, and editing something for whichever hour of news I am. I have to make sure its quality, things aren't too loud, not too soft, select a steady shot, no flashframes, make sure my edits are clean. I have to look at what I did, and then recut if its not right to script.

Hits me, I desire to do God's will, but i don't alot. i desire to have a great marriage. My desires good and bad will never leave. They will only grow. I just to need to put them through my God filter and see how He see's. Its a recalibration. Like resyncing the audio frequencies of a mic when you get somewhere else. Or recalibrating the drone (when I used to have it).  Like in Karate Kid 3 when Mr. Meyagi kept telling Daniel to refocus. At the end fight you could tell Daniel was scared, and Meyago yelled at him to focus and not have fear. Daniel did his yoga karate focus thing and won the fight. God knows I desire him, I just need to go with it in my the moment and not when its too late and I flop.

Preserving the Legacy of John McCain

1 Corinthians 15:58 NLT
So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

I read this this morning and felt kind of stuck. I felt like I used to think this way when I was single. Then I got married and my enthusiasm was put into question depending on what my wife wanted to do. I was being held back. But it also brings me back to my early days in video, when I saw the need to shoot the services at church and by the time I loaded my gear into the truck, my dad noticed what I was doing and tried to discourage me from moving forward with capturing the event. He claimed there was no need. I did it anyway, because I knew he didn't know better.  I had to do what I felt to be right. Then I catch myself at times doing the same thing to my daughter. But now I say, sure we can go to Target and spend your gift card, or sure bring your crutches with us, it'll be fun. I used to worship while I worked, because I was doing it for God. I never want to discourage anyone from serving God. I'm amazed of how emotional I get when I'm serving. When John McCain passed away last Saturday, I was approached by a producer for the 8 pm to do a setup pkg simply because I was available. As I began gathering clips, I prayed that I could give this the heart it needed and deserved. I'm kind of known in the newsroom to get creative and crazy with things like this. As I read the script and began editing this, I felt it needed more. I felt like Daniel Larusso in the Karate Kid trimming the Bonsai tree, or in Star wars when Luke puts his helmet in the Millennium Falcon. I had to trust my gut, my feelings, my heart, God would give me the ideas. I had to edit this until it made me cry. I had only 1 hour to do it. I felt all my years of experience had lead up to this moment, I chose a new song, one no one had heard, i chose his clip when he had been captured in Vietnam for the beginning.  I had it done with in the end of the hour, it was only 38 seconds, but I felt I was preserving his legacy. My work wasn't useless when I was growing up, regardless of the comments that people had, God was molding me and making and still is. The opener played again the next night. I ended up making 3 more that weekend.

Hits me, I'm an artist, wow the insecurity and confidence you get in creating your art, the rejection and the support are insane. Why do I keep remembering the rejection? I need to make it my mission again to encourage people when they do a good job, because their work is not useless.  I need some lunch.