Forgiveness Sucks

 

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32 (NLT) 

 

 

Instead? Is that because I'm not going to be kind, tenderhearted, or forgive people. This one is tough. Im so angry inside, for people being so mean and knowing it. I read and think. This makes me scratch my head and rack my brain. It just sucks, because I'm too kind and tenderhearted, but I have severe forgiveness issues. Once you hurt me, your done. Make them pay, make them suffer. Why when I am kind do people look for ways to use me, take advantage of me, poke at me, push me. Look at what we did to Christ, he did all that and we crucified him. Yet that was part of the plan. Why is hardship always part of the plan? Sometime's I just can't believe we went through with the divorce. I feel at times, we were so busy that we just treated it like another thing to get done. I was so lost. I was in a survival mode of my life. I was sexting several women on a daily basis. I was pushing in my therapy too. Susan had always deserved better than me. I was way too much for her. My poor kids, they witnessed soo many arguments that they just didn't understand.  My youngest will still say to us that she loves both of us.  Life is just tough. I'll never marry again.  I'm not even thinking of movies anymore. I can't commit to anyone woman. I can't even commit to God. 

Lets end this blog. I don't even know how to title this thing. Forgiveness sucks, it really does. Because its going to happen again. Even though Christ said forgive them 70 x 7. Which really means never stop forgiving, by the time you get to 490, its pretty much your nature to forgive.  Hits me, Forgiveness is a process, its not a onetime thing. Why? because they are going to do it again and again and AGAIN!!  I need to study this more.

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6 (NIV) 

 

I find that I'll be anxious if I don't have full knowledge of whats going on. This was a problem in my marriage. One thing I really like is that there's no more anxiety in my life to deal with. I think also in my News career being that I have no idea what to expect at work, my anxiety is down. I just really go with the flow and just make it happen. I read and think. "Every Situation" sticks out. I don't pray with thanksgiving in every situation until I need to. I'm always thankful and see something good out of things. I think its supposed to be for those who get anxious. I sip some of my mocha with an extra shot, because I just passed out. Anxiety reminds me of all the overacting I experience in the streaming shows these days. I seriously refer to my DVD and Blu Ray library for real stuff to watch besides Cobra Kai. Nothing is what it seems anymore. I read and think again. By prayer and petition and thanksgiving. Man, God wants the whole thing. Usually if I get anxious its too late haha. Usually everything turns out fine. I should have done that before. I have actually been worried lately about whats to happen next year. I can't really afford my apartment anymore, but I felt God say to me, Humble yourself for yourself (a different blog). 

It hits me, God has everything under control. I don't. I wish I did. Even a divorce he knew was going to happen. He wasn't blindsided, He wasn't caught off guard. He's teaching me boundaries and to be honest with myself. I'm not anxious about it but its definitely humbling. I don't know what this remaining pandemic will result of. The economy has totally changed.

Hazard lights

 Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

 

 

I've always been a loner. I never had that group of guys that would hang out, like on TV. I just never craved it. My siblings are the same way. I guess were just independent. As I read and think about this passsage, I'm amazed of how I don't let people influence me as I once did. I've always been misunderstood and laughed or critized for not getting it, when really I was light years ahead. I have in the past apologized for practically living. I would be taken advantage of, because I have a good heart. I read and think. "Let it" sticks out. Its those moments when I'm hurt that my light doesn't shine. I get depressed and go silent and put my light out. Whats weird though, is that people can tell that I'm hurt and they want my light to shine. Do they realize they are the ones that convinced me to put my light out revealing my darkness. Then I start struggling trying to find my way turn the light on. These days I hike or I try to inspire myself especially when my sexual activity gets going and I really need it. Depression, sex, frustration, anger, stress really puts your day on stand still. I'm amazed of how I battle my struggles more than depression. In my marriage, I battled sex way more than I did when I was single. Do they really see a light shining? I don't. If anything they see Hazard Lights. Now that I'm divorced, its more monitoring my feelings and urges about what not to do and self control. The PTSD from my marriage is soo apparent. I have kids and have to keep whats important for them first. My temptations aren't nearly as severe than when I was married. The clock just kept ticking. I watched soo many movies with single parents and now I kind of get it. I'll never marry again. Marriage is clearly for your extended family and friends, not for you. Its for the anniversary of how long I can live in hell. That's what the congrats are for anyway. The vows are a joke too. What they should say instead is. 

 

Sarcasm at all times, life is way too short, you have to laugh most of the time.

When we go broke, we remain an team. When we get rich, we remain a team. no whining

When dealing with family, don't be selfish

When we get sick, no complaining about why this happened again.

When another person or something gets in between us, we expect it and are not surprised.

We agree to disagree.

Hits me,  Why should people look at me anyway. I look at them a bit, especially the girls. I don't care what people think of me really. When I get hurt, they know it. It's more hazard lights that I'm showing anyway.  I need to keep letting my light shine, even if I see hazard lights. regardless whether its accepted or not. They can do with it, what they want.

Humble Myself for Myself

 2 Corinthians 9:6

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

 

 

So I'm at Starbucks. I find myself needing more space these days. I'm kind of broke too. Since the divorce, I have felt more generous to anyone really. I don't really care anymore. I don't make much money, but the money in my car is pretty much gunna sit there unless I use it.  "Remember this" sticks out to me in this verse, why? because I'll forget. For soo many years I would shew anybody away that wanted money from me. I would often immediately think about my debts and be like "not right now". Now I'm like, fuck it, just take it. I'm tired, I need a drink, brb. Ok, got my Mocha with an extra shot. It should help me finish this thing.  I have my Sam Adams at home. Yes Susan and I divorced in January after 12 years of marriage, I'll explain why in other blogs. I moved out. We didn't tell the kids until after Christmas as to not ruin everything. Its been an eventful year. I felt a bit free at first but then I missed the kids. They helped me move and find a place. One thing that God kept hinting to me was to focus on my own therapy. So i began to finish the Dukes of Hazzard series, I finally finished and something hit during the last episode. I could tell how sad the actors were to end it. Some how I felt free from my past a bit and got motivated to move on and I went and hiked a mountain. I then realized I wanted to go meet the cast of the Dukes of Hazzard in November, which never happened.  God kept telling me to Humble myself for myself. Usually I'm humbling myself for my job or for someone else but never for me. Its hard to do. I don't think of me a lot, because there are soo many people with needs out there.

It hits me, I need to give when I feel I need to give. Whatever it is. I need to Humble myself for myself. To protect me. I'm not looking for Prosperity or reaping good.

 #dukesofhazzard #Samueladams #Starbucks #mocha #divorce #2corinthians9:6

 

 

You Matter

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!
Proverbs 15:23 NIV

You Matter, comes to mind. It's a retrack I did about 2 years ago now. With all the negativity in the world, Cheryl Rice made up some cards with the phrase "You Matter" and began handing them out to everyone, the response was awesome. When we got the story, by just editing it for our 9 pm show, I was touched.  I ordered a bunch myself.  As I read and think, I'm amazed of how you true this is. That apt reply is so important, just a quick thank you or Hi especially when you know them. Now everyone's different, i understand that. As for me, I think i've only regretted it once ( because they really didn't want to anyone to see them). We are a hurting people that a simple gesture can change someones day.  Sometimes I just need to say hi. Telling someone they're doing great. And especially when they come to mind, check in on them. I feel like I'm a kid at times, why as an adult do I still need affirmation and kindness? Can't I provide my own affirmation and kindness and support. Usually I can spontaneously laugh with outbursts, actually that's how
I am. I'm just like Jim Carrey on Ace Ventura, hell pretty much all of his movies. Life without spontaneity is dull. That's the news actually, we can't predict anything. We get a plan together, but wow that can change. Thats what makes it fun. I love change, I hate structure, well for the most part. I can take it for a bit, but not always. And that's when i need to affirm people. Because in a media environment appreciation can easily slide right by and the day is done, when everyone kicked butt. Its amazing how good I feel about myself when i appreciate someone else. Time flys, the clock keeps ticking, I have to seize the moment. You Matter!!

Here's a link to the you matter card website

https://youmattermarathon.com/

Authentic Desire

I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:8 NIV

Desire sticks out to me. Man do i have desires, and sometimes I have none and just seize the moment and do nothing. I was watching Christopher Robin the other day, (a sleeper movie). Doing alot of nothing often leads to the very best kind of something.  If you need a napping movie, this will warm you up to the point of passing you out. Similar things are old sci-fi movies, fantasia, and jackie. Sip some water, I read and think. my mind doesn't want to do his will, my heart does. My heart hurts alot these days. I was in a spiritual coma for most of my life until I had an emdr test (actually 5) and the Trauma I experienced at the age of 3 and 4 and into my youth was replaced with positive and inspirational thoughts. I'm not fixed but my authenticity is back, the struggles come and go. I feel I make things way to complicated and need to just chill.  Then why do i constantly battle God's word. Is it within my heart? Yes i know it, this isn't black and white. I think this is why David said he desired to God's will, because he did. As do i, however thats not always the case. David didn't always do God's will, but he desired too. Its hard, I struggle. Being a dad and husband, I've made countless mistakes.  I continually go by Yoda's philosophy " do or do not, there is not try". When Im at work, and editing something for whichever hour of news I am. I have to make sure its quality, things aren't too loud, not too soft, select a steady shot, no flashframes, make sure my edits are clean. I have to look at what I did, and then recut if its not right to script.

Hits me, I desire to do God's will, but i don't alot. i desire to have a great marriage. My desires good and bad will never leave. They will only grow. I just to need to put them through my God filter and see how He see's. Its a recalibration. Like resyncing the audio frequencies of a mic when you get somewhere else. Or recalibrating the drone (when I used to have it).  Like in Karate Kid 3 when Mr. Meyagi kept telling Daniel to refocus. At the end fight you could tell Daniel was scared, and Meyago yelled at him to focus and not have fear. Daniel did his yoga karate focus thing and won the fight. God knows I desire him, I just need to go with it in my the moment and not when its too late and I flop.

Preserving the Legacy of John McCain

1 Corinthians 15:58 NLT
So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

I read this this morning and felt kind of stuck. I felt like I used to think this way when I was single. Then I got married and my enthusiasm was put into question depending on what my wife wanted to do. I was being held back. But it also brings me back to my early days in video, when I saw the need to shoot the services at church and by the time I loaded my gear into the truck, my dad noticed what I was doing and tried to discourage me from moving forward with capturing the event. He claimed there was no need. I did it anyway, because I knew he didn't know better.  I had to do what I felt to be right. Then I catch myself at times doing the same thing to my daughter. But now I say, sure we can go to Target and spend your gift card, or sure bring your crutches with us, it'll be fun. I used to worship while I worked, because I was doing it for God. I never want to discourage anyone from serving God. I'm amazed of how emotional I get when I'm serving. When John McCain passed away last Saturday, I was approached by a producer for the 8 pm to do a setup pkg simply because I was available. As I began gathering clips, I prayed that I could give this the heart it needed and deserved. I'm kind of known in the newsroom to get creative and crazy with things like this. As I read the script and began editing this, I felt it needed more. I felt like Daniel Larusso in the Karate Kid trimming the Bonsai tree, or in Star wars when Luke puts his helmet in the Millennium Falcon. I had to trust my gut, my feelings, my heart, God would give me the ideas. I had to edit this until it made me cry. I had only 1 hour to do it. I felt all my years of experience had lead up to this moment, I chose a new song, one no one had heard, i chose his clip when he had been captured in Vietnam for the beginning.  I had it done with in the end of the hour, it was only 38 seconds, but I felt I was preserving his legacy. My work wasn't useless when I was growing up, regardless of the comments that people had, God was molding me and making and still is. The opener played again the next night. I ended up making 3 more that weekend.

Hits me, I'm an artist, wow the insecurity and confidence you get in creating your art, the rejection and the support are insane. Why do I keep remembering the rejection? I need to make it my mission again to encourage people when they do a good job, because their work is not useless.  I need some lunch.

I'm a farmer not a fighter - Charles Ingalls

Hebrews 10:35
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you.

As I sit here at Starbucks, I reflect on the different things that have made me confident. I find knowledge of things to be powerful, yet when I'm recognized or helpful to someone, that builds my confidence. Or just encouraging someone and uplifting them.  I find I don't get confidence without research and studying of a given subject. By studying God, and developing my relationship with Him, I have confident trust in Him, yet I get tempted to doubt him. I'm reminded of Charles Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie, I grew up watching the show and now as a grown man, it hits me differently. He had integrity, was just a farmer, but highly respected. He was simple and loved the Lord with confidence. It reflected in his family too, he protected them well. In an episode Mary and her husband get attacked in town, Charles gets word of it but doesn't really stand a chance in the fight. His friend shows up and takes care of the scumbags. How I aspire to be like him. I am so not like that I find. My brother is more like that. I'm more Mr. Edwards, I have the gray beard to show for it.

It hits me, I have to take what I have learned and grow with it, Im not just a video editor, I'm alot of things, I am who God made me. I can't farm, I'm not a mechanic, I'm not a handyman, I know some stuff. I just have a passion that won't let me go and that I fight for.

Boiling Water

Proverbs 18:21

The Tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

I was making more hummingbird feeder today, since they were just sitting out there for a month empty. I thought no big deal lets get it done, I need some life to look at outside anyway. Something hit me as the water began to boil. I looked deep into the pot and it was filled with these dots, like goosebumps, as they grew they got bigger and started looking like eyes looking right at me. As they evaporated, more came up, but bigger, bigger eyes, staring at me, like it was my life, my experiences, my struggles, my everything, my being.  As it boiled, it occurred to me that my life wasn't in vain, but had purpose, when I was bullied, when I was told I would fail, when i was told my videos sucked, when I was told, I wouldn't graduated from High school, that no one wanted a video, no one needed me to shoot this event, to put that stupid camera away, the amount of money i brought home wasn't enough. Just no support that I needed. Then I think of the thank you notes that I have on my wall, the pics with happy clients. Those were harsh words, they brought death but I saw life ahead of me in my future that I couldn't ignore.  Sure I've said things I shouldn't and reaped what I sowed, but the life I see is after the water boils it the life those hummingbirds come for. Ya its the sugar water, but my point is, I had to go through that, I had to get those molecules out, to become who I am today. Crazy thing is, the water continues to boil and evaporate only to encourage and uplift those around me.

My Garage from Hell to Healing

Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation - so why should i be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should i tremble.


I just saw this scripture today and i thought it fit my story well.
For the past few years, my garage has been a place to store my archives, dvds, video equipment and some tools. I've never really cleaned it, but made it the best I could for the moment. The only task I had was to get rid of stuff and just shut the doors. That is until recently, I found myself needing to be in it, no lights on, just standing in the dark. I put my Cobra Kai on to help me focus and I stood there in the dark and just let whatever hit me. This has been hell in my marriage, not a pretty place to be. The video business didn't sit well in our house, but became a swear word. As episode 5 played and Daniel Larusso goes to Mr. Mayagi's tombstone to seek some advice, it hit me what I was doing in there. When Karate Kid came out, I had just started in 5th grade at Hopi, wow was that hard. So hard, that i picked up dads video camera and starting playing with it as an escape to the rejection I faced. As tears ran down my cheeks i began pacing the garage and seeing thankyou notes and photos from gigs I had done. I don't know why i was sobbing. Daniel had a rough time changing schools and Mr. Meyagi was there for him. As I stood there in the dark listening to Cobra Kai, Mr. Meyagi told daniel at a young age to find his center again. Daniel then cleaned out his dojo to rediscover his center. It was like God telling me, this is when I wanted you to get into video, when you were broken. This is not hell in here like I've come to believe it to be, it was your healing back then and it still is now, it was my light. This ugly messy dirty garage. Then i saw my first edit machine upside down on the ground a few feet ahead of me. That's the little mixer that I got for Christmas 30 years ago. I didn't want to leave like I had before. Everyone gave me a hard time doing it, but I didn't care because i knew i could grow in it. I knew I was terrible. He protected me from getting into trouble with this. Hell i still did but I know its how God made me, i am who I am. God knows my heart and how i need to heal, He's my healing and brought me to a place I thought was hell.

Way of Life

Psalm 16:11

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence of living with you forever.

Well show me, I want to see this.  That's what im thinking. He did, Jesus walked on this earth. I want joy, i miss joy. Whats your presence about anyway? Living with you forever, i did that along time ago. Sometimes the answer to life's problems is in a beer of Samuel Adams Boston lager i hold in my hand. It's nice to escape while watching Pawn Stars or these days Cobra Kai. What is my way of life these days? We both work and manage our kids schedules basically. That's our way of life. But is that a way of life? I always have wanted to follow the spirits leading which is when I would know the way of life, but man is that hard. Its about living with God forever. Having joy, having His presence. I feel His presence when he's convicting me usually. But whatever about obeying Him, then he'll show me the way. I think of people that are trapped and escaped.

I remember Andy Dufrane in Shawshank Redemption, how he carefully planned his escape, how Steve McQueen in the great escape (hilts "the cooler guy") as they called him, escaped several times only to get caught again. Then I'm reminded of the Truman Show, and this false way of life they gave this little Truman. They wanted him to live for an audience. It was a fake life, and he wasn't, he wanted to escape and build his own way, and he finally did. The song "Don't Fence me in" comes to me.

Hits me, God will show me His way but in my own way, He's always up to something.

No more fear of being myself

Phillippians 4:4

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice!

At first Im thinking, easier said than done God. Always?  I usually am, I'm a positive person. But then I see, In the Lord. So its not myself, its in Him. If I focus on Him, then I'll have joy, say it again rejoice. This is really weird.  I've have joy when im producing videos for people. Im in my realm. I often think again of Erich Little in Chariots of fire as he runs with his head held back. Or the many artists out there that have joy when there doing their craft. A musician locked into there jam session, just feeling the music. The sound guy mixing , the video guy switching, its all done in feeling. The camera man following there every movement capturing the moment for all the see.

Hits me, I'm not always full of joy, which is probably why Paul said this. When i focus on God, give up trying whatever im trying and just let go. Like Elsa in frozen, let it go, let it go. Show my true talents. Then Im joyful. No fear of man, no fear of rejection, no over thinking, no analyzing, nothing. So many things get bottle up that kill my joy. No more fear of being me.

Disabled Enemy

Deuteronomy 30:16

For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

I'm at Starbucks today working on some projects. I need stimulation,   I'm seeing the bible differently these days, more a reason because i have trouble applying it. Why is it, commanding us to love the Lord? Because we don't and because we don't keep his commands, etc. If I walk in his ways, I'll finally love Him. Its crazy of how the enemy doesn't give up on us me from being blessed. You'd think by now I could disable all notifications of the enemy. It's simple, there's not an update to get, its simple obedience. I grew up in a legalistic background where scriptures like this were more taught backwards. If you don't feel blessed, wealthy, have a abundance according to the someone else's American dream philosophy, your obviously not being obedient.

Hits me, God really wants to and is blessing me despite how I think about myself, negative or positive. He's got plans that are working right now, disabling the enemy.

A story written by God

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.
Isaiah 7:14 NIV

At first I'm thinking, It's Christmas time, so bible gateway is putting christmas verses on here. Then i'm thinking of how simple God made it for us to be saved. It's 4:21 am right now and I can't sleep, I just was able to put my youngest 1 year and 4 months back to bed. I can't sleep. I should have some coffee but. The virgin part sticks out to me today. I keep on seeing this and it has always passed me by. God wants me to clearly understand over and over that Jesus was supernatural. His mom and dad did not have sex and get pregnant with him. In this era that would be crazy. I would feel bad for all the moms that can't get pregnant. Why Mary? Then I read and think. The Lord himself is the first thing here. See I missed the whole point. It's God who directs this, but what do I see? I see the unimportant part. I get so concerned about being fair and why a son, and Immanuel, that I'm not seeing the big picture, that God himself did this whole thing.

It's like watching a movie. I wonder who directed this, who wrote this story? Is it the way they intended, or am I watching what they had to live with at the end. As a producer, there are selected clips and videos that I have made that i am happy with. Here God, the writer and director planned that Mary would conceive the savior of the world. In this day and age, go to a lab, but no, she just was pregnant. I have a blowup nativity scene i bought from Home Depot this year. My neighbors have the frosty and some other fun blow up christmas things as well.

I hits me, God is simple and I'm complicated. He wants me to accept Immanuel regardless of how I feel and what I have done to claim not to deserve him. He did not appear all the sudden, he was born in a very unsanitary, homeless, vulnerable environment. That screams for a relationship.

Inside Out

This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 NIV

At first I'm thinking that this is New Years Eve and why not have a verse like this. I reflect on the past too much I find. Why do I dwell in it, so much? It's like the 1% of clients that hate you, that cause you to updated standards. Its the confidence that you lose for the brief time because I want the job to be over. But I must have integrity and finish it. My grandma died this year, my friend Ben Rehm and Sarah Izbell also passed away.

I need something to drink. I'm at Starbucks today, so I'm drinking my usual cafe' Mocha. Sip some Mocha I read and think. Honestly I'm reminded of how I have trouble not stressing over these blogs. I'm reminded of how much stress I had this year with providing as an entrepreneur and getting ready for our baby, and the plumbing leak that required a new bathroom that took 6 months to replace. Then I forget about how God provided for everything. I'm reminded of the movie Inside Out. Its currently my 6 year olds favorite. Its about the inside of our brains and how we react to change. In the movie, a family sets out to San Francisco for a new business venture, the main charactor Riley, is positive about the change, but gets too fixed on her hometown of Minnesota. Disney very cleverly divided up the brain into 5 parts, Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, and Fear. The point of the movie was to see the need for sadness. Joy played by Amy Poehler, wants Rileys world always to be Joyful, causing Rileys emotions and feeling to be hidden. Sadness played by Phyllis Smith recgonizes when Riley needs to be sad. This feeling of sadness doesn't relate to the other feelings, and they keep shutting her out. This continues until Joy and Sadness find themselves trapped in Rileys past memories where they discover her invisible friend Bing Bong played by Richard Kind. Bing Bong relizes that Riley doesn't need him anymore and Sadness comforts him, making him cheer up.  This gives Joy and epiphany, that sadness is needed in order to recover from hurt.

Hits me, I made mistakes this year, I'm a screw up in my marriage, I let my family down, made dumb decisions. If I don't take time to be sad and let it go, and focus on what God did do, the waters he opened up, the new things he's doing, I'll be miserable I wonder where my hope comes from. Riley was mad about the move, and attempted to run away back to Minnesota where life was better. She finally broke down and cried to her parents and they empathized and related with her, making all her emotions unite. I can look at things as good as the were and fail to see what God has planned for me this upcoming year. He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Doing Business socially

So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 8:15 NLT

At first I'm thinking that, I've never seen this one before. How Fun! I'm a fun guy, but I also have a deep and serious side to me. Who doesn't? Sip some coffee, I read and think.

This is how I do business actually. In networking, business can be done by eating, drinking, and enjoying life. It's about using people who I've connected with. I've run into problems though, when too many cool people approach doing the same thing.

I also see this as how to live life, but with honesty. I'm all about the post-event. What happens after the party. In video production, its about what happens in the post event. I was shooting a funeral yesterday and arrived at the burial, the burial people were wondering why I was shooting it? I had to inform them of the several people who wanted to be there and couldn't. She hadn't thought of that. I find that I am living in an entitled era. Everyone is entitled to do things on their own time, when they want it. The biggest problem with video production is that things are left undone. That's where I come in.

I also see the need to lighten up. I get so fixated on getting work in and getting work out, that I forget to watch the wind in the trees and the months go by and its already Christmas, but I'm thinking of January.  Even in stressful moments I tend to have fun, (drives my wife crazy). I use humor in my stress.

My daughter's been watching Curious George 3: Back to Jungle. In it George is requested to fly to outer space to get a device off a satelite to help control the dams in South Africa. He successful does this but crashes in South Africa. Being Curious, he immidiately makes friends with the animals and eventually finishes his job and saves the land from flooding.  I was impressed with how George could remain positive the whole time and keep thinking outside the box.

Hits me, I need to learn to relax and let my job go. Call it quits after a time. Take a break. God's got my work cut out for me and I need to just trust Him.

Good and Evil

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33 NIV


There's a song about this, that I was raised with. It's crazy the words I sing and don't mean them. I find I sing other music and mean it, but when it come to Godly stuff, it doesn't happen all the time.

Sip come coffee, I read and think. Why can't it go a different way? Why does it have to His kingdom and His righteousness. I find i get this backwards. I think if I do good and feel good, I'll get his kingdom and his righteousness. So I am currently shooting a conference about the afterlife. I was amazed of how i could feel the emptiness in the room. I could feel the evil presence on me. I kept just giving it to God. The belief system was definitely abstract, to there being more than one God. A team of gods. I'm thinking, the gospel is simple people, just believe in it and have faith. I found that too many people wanted control of their lives. When in fact, we're to give up control to God. They want to be in charge and control their universe. It's almost fear that they have. It's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Don't mess with that, it's a spiritual field beyond my control, only supernatural beings such as God should take care of that.  They won't seek His kingdom or his righteousness, they want to choose their own god's. We all have, and know how that go's.

Hits me, The point is, is where do I find my hope, my escape. It should be in God, but usually isn't. I try and try hard, living in His Kingdom and righteousness isn't easy, but more I do, the more all these things are given.

Argofuckyourself

"...for unless you believe that I Am who I claim to be, you will die in your sins."

John 8:24 NLT


At first I'm thinking, how abrupt is that? Believe or die, but not just believe, but believe in who I claim to be. It's so sudden. It's believe that I was there or you will die. I would have so many more questions.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I am a sinner, a professional one. I've always said, christians are the best sinners. There is so much temptation after you get saved, that I've given into sin before, because I just couldn't handle the temptation. So the part "die in your sins" makes sense. I felt I was dying.  I ask my myself, why do I have so much trouble trusting and believing. I am human, but why do I have issues with trust? My daughter brought a note home from school the other day about her speaking during class. I wanted to know the conversation. I wanted to know the relationship. So she didn't start this. Then at the end she said, "dad, everyone gets notes home likes this, this is my first one". I'm going to sin, it's going to happen, but it's just another chance to believe in God again in who is. It's practice, its learning. He's not going to challenge me with things that are easy but with those that aren't.

I'm reminded of the movie Argo, where Ben Afleck stars at Tony Mendez, A CIA agent who has to rescue 6 Americans held Hostage in Iran in 1980. He does this by disguising the as an undercover Hollywood producer and they are the crew scouting for a location to shoot a fake sci film named Argo. It was very hard for them to trust him, but they did and they made it. the phrase "Argofuckyourself" became the humorous come back when the film was brought up by spectators later in the years.

Hits me, I need to believe that He is who He claims to be, not just agree. I'm a sinner, He's my way out, I need to believe that.

The War with my Drone

But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.

1 Corinthians 8:3 NLT

At first I'm thinking, i haven't seen this scripture in this context before. It makes me question my judgements on things I do. Sure I love God, but there are times, I don't show it. How does he recognize me?

Sip come coffee, I read and think. I find there's a vibe, I give everyone, something I can't hold back. Everyone has it. No matter what happens to me, what situations, bad decisions I make, this vibe doesn't leave me. It's this part about me that loves God, people can tell, I can tell. I'm going to piss my wife off, buy saying stupid stuff, or doing stupid stuff. I find I learn when everything is over, not during. I find I observe during, not after. God doesn't mind that. I don't have to be like everyone else. Christ wasn't, and we didn't like it. I find I need to be who I am. I find I'm not close to many at all but God, and they can tell. I try to fake it, but i'm too transparent. Some people have no idea I'm a christian.

But who is God to love? Who am I loving? It's an identity thing to me, it's about how I see myself through Him. I have to be consistent with it too. I get lazy and don't even care for months. He hints to me though through other people that it's ok to trust Him, when I'm not. He loves me, and i need to accept that.  I don't like accepting that because its my nature to feel stuck, not to perform better.

I'm reminded of when I bought my first drone last summer. I needed it for a video shoot. I couldn't figure it out. It was like a war. Finally i went to Hobby lobby and they explained briefly of what to expect when its ready to fly. I still needed to fly it. I was scared, but I knew I had to do it. I kept at it, feeling scared every flight. I crashed it a lot, but kept at it. I upgraded this summer to another one and still have the same fears. I realize that change is needed not just in my company but in my family. I have an image in my head of what I want that to look like, and I need to stride for it. I have a vision in my head of how crazy I want to fly that drone, and I need to practice it.

Hits me, I will always love God, most everyone does, but am I living my life like it? No, not really. But God's a jealous God and he wants me back to where I used to be and he wants me to improve.

A peaceful beating

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 NLT

Interesting, a healthy body to cancer in the bones. Peaceful vs. jealousy. I've never been a jealous guy. I'm always striving to have a good time or just make the most of it. When I was younger, I was obsessed with the lady's.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm amazed of what peace vs jealously does to the body. I find i get stuck in areas either quickly or over time. I'm easy going, so peace is not hard to find wherever I'm at. Envy, jealousy, whatever you want to call it, can kill ya. I'm amazed of the beating my body takes, when I get into this stuff. I don't really get jealous because I tend to want to celebrate with people their successes. I find I don't have peace alot. Peace to me says, I'm cool where I'm at. I usually am not. I want to be better at everything I do. I constantly stride to improve. I try to listen to people and take insight where I can. Instead of being jealous of what others could do, I want to find out how they did it.

Hits me, surrendering things to God will give me peace, the jealousy factor won't be there then. I can set my expectations high for anything. If I don't have peace about it though, it'll be like having cancer.