Good and Evil

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33 NIV


There's a song about this, that I was raised with. It's crazy the words I sing and don't mean them. I find I sing other music and mean it, but when it come to Godly stuff, it doesn't happen all the time.

Sip come coffee, I read and think. Why can't it go a different way? Why does it have to His kingdom and His righteousness. I find i get this backwards. I think if I do good and feel good, I'll get his kingdom and his righteousness. So I am currently shooting a conference about the afterlife. I was amazed of how i could feel the emptiness in the room. I could feel the evil presence on me. I kept just giving it to God. The belief system was definitely abstract, to there being more than one God. A team of gods. I'm thinking, the gospel is simple people, just believe in it and have faith. I found that too many people wanted control of their lives. When in fact, we're to give up control to God. They want to be in charge and control their universe. It's almost fear that they have. It's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Don't mess with that, it's a spiritual field beyond my control, only supernatural beings such as God should take care of that.  They won't seek His kingdom or his righteousness, they want to choose their own god's. We all have, and know how that go's.

Hits me, The point is, is where do I find my hope, my escape. It should be in God, but usually isn't. I try and try hard, living in His Kingdom and righteousness isn't easy, but more I do, the more all these things are given.

Argofuckyourself

"...for unless you believe that I Am who I claim to be, you will die in your sins."

John 8:24 NLT


At first I'm thinking, how abrupt is that? Believe or die, but not just believe, but believe in who I claim to be. It's so sudden. It's believe that I was there or you will die. I would have so many more questions.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I am a sinner, a professional one. I've always said, christians are the best sinners. There is so much temptation after you get saved, that I've given into sin before, because I just couldn't handle the temptation. So the part "die in your sins" makes sense. I felt I was dying.  I ask my myself, why do I have so much trouble trusting and believing. I am human, but why do I have issues with trust? My daughter brought a note home from school the other day about her speaking during class. I wanted to know the conversation. I wanted to know the relationship. So she didn't start this. Then at the end she said, "dad, everyone gets notes home likes this, this is my first one". I'm going to sin, it's going to happen, but it's just another chance to believe in God again in who is. It's practice, its learning. He's not going to challenge me with things that are easy but with those that aren't.

I'm reminded of the movie Argo, where Ben Afleck stars at Tony Mendez, A CIA agent who has to rescue 6 Americans held Hostage in Iran in 1980. He does this by disguising the as an undercover Hollywood producer and they are the crew scouting for a location to shoot a fake sci film named Argo. It was very hard for them to trust him, but they did and they made it. the phrase "Argofuckyourself" became the humorous come back when the film was brought up by spectators later in the years.

Hits me, I need to believe that He is who He claims to be, not just agree. I'm a sinner, He's my way out, I need to believe that.

The War with my Drone

But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.

1 Corinthians 8:3 NLT

At first I'm thinking, i haven't seen this scripture in this context before. It makes me question my judgements on things I do. Sure I love God, but there are times, I don't show it. How does he recognize me?

Sip come coffee, I read and think. I find there's a vibe, I give everyone, something I can't hold back. Everyone has it. No matter what happens to me, what situations, bad decisions I make, this vibe doesn't leave me. It's this part about me that loves God, people can tell, I can tell. I'm going to piss my wife off, buy saying stupid stuff, or doing stupid stuff. I find I learn when everything is over, not during. I find I observe during, not after. God doesn't mind that. I don't have to be like everyone else. Christ wasn't, and we didn't like it. I find I need to be who I am. I find I'm not close to many at all but God, and they can tell. I try to fake it, but i'm too transparent. Some people have no idea I'm a christian.

But who is God to love? Who am I loving? It's an identity thing to me, it's about how I see myself through Him. I have to be consistent with it too. I get lazy and don't even care for months. He hints to me though through other people that it's ok to trust Him, when I'm not. He loves me, and i need to accept that.  I don't like accepting that because its my nature to feel stuck, not to perform better.

I'm reminded of when I bought my first drone last summer. I needed it for a video shoot. I couldn't figure it out. It was like a war. Finally i went to Hobby lobby and they explained briefly of what to expect when its ready to fly. I still needed to fly it. I was scared, but I knew I had to do it. I kept at it, feeling scared every flight. I crashed it a lot, but kept at it. I upgraded this summer to another one and still have the same fears. I realize that change is needed not just in my company but in my family. I have an image in my head of what I want that to look like, and I need to stride for it. I have a vision in my head of how crazy I want to fly that drone, and I need to practice it.

Hits me, I will always love God, most everyone does, but am I living my life like it? No, not really. But God's a jealous God and he wants me back to where I used to be and he wants me to improve.

A peaceful beating

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 NLT

Interesting, a healthy body to cancer in the bones. Peaceful vs. jealousy. I've never been a jealous guy. I'm always striving to have a good time or just make the most of it. When I was younger, I was obsessed with the lady's.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm amazed of what peace vs jealously does to the body. I find i get stuck in areas either quickly or over time. I'm easy going, so peace is not hard to find wherever I'm at. Envy, jealousy, whatever you want to call it, can kill ya. I'm amazed of the beating my body takes, when I get into this stuff. I don't really get jealous because I tend to want to celebrate with people their successes. I find I don't have peace alot. Peace to me says, I'm cool where I'm at. I usually am not. I want to be better at everything I do. I constantly stride to improve. I try to listen to people and take insight where I can. Instead of being jealous of what others could do, I want to find out how they did it.

Hits me, surrendering things to God will give me peace, the jealousy factor won't be there then. I can set my expectations high for anything. If I don't have peace about it though, it'll be like having cancer.

Hardened Heart

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Proverbs 4:23 NLT


At first I'm thinking that I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's crazy but I do. I put everything out there. Why? because I want to be real. Doing this also puts it up for battle and shred. People will see I'm doing this and want to take advantage of me. They won't be respectful, they just will be completely mean. You throw enough of that at me, I end up hardening my heart. In school, I lost trust in teachers and my classmates. I averaged. I see it many people, so much, that I empthaze with them, because I feel the heart is where life begins and ends. Business's are started due to whats on someones heart.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. In Video production, I produce for the viewers hearts. What mood do I want to give them. People watch videos to escape, learn, grow, be impacted, out of interest, laugh.

My tough part is when my heart is hurt by people that I'm close to, this started with my family, and then gets into my marriage. I didn't expect that, I didn't expect that I would take the pain of childhood into my adult life. I thought adult life would just erase them. Now I find I'm living according to them at times.


Hits me, I need to guard my heart in weird moments, do not mistake kindness for weakness. My heart may be hurt, but it does determine the course of my life. I feel while scrolling through facebook, so many hurt people are escaping to it. Other's escape from it. Facebook was founded due to a hardened heart. Now here I am, online sharing my heart, lol.

Battle for Joy

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalm 16:11 NLT

At first I'm thinking, I've read this before. But what is it. These days, I find I'm afraid to live this kind of life. The joy of His presence, that all sounds good. Why do i have a hard time with it?

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I learn on my own time. Not on everyones elses. They can show me, but I will take it my own way. Sometimes, I do exactly as they say. That's why I don't care about my competition, because there different than me. Its crazy how Christ will show me the way of life in His own way, but I refuse it. It grants me joy and pleasure and all that stuff. I know what freedom is, but  I don't want it at times. Why not? My struggle is self condemnation. This helps me to carry on, when I get depressed, I don't stop, I keep charging.

I'm not one to goal set, so i need to be, I'm not one to plan, so I need to be. This is not my nature but it needs to be. I have to pray this.