Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Power of Love

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love.
1 Corinthians 16:11 NLT

The first thing that come's to mind is the amount of times I let my guard down on a daily basis. The moment I am decide to get comfortable, I get hit. It's like that war scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the guy decides to take his helmet off in warfare because he realized it just saved his life. Sip come coffee, I read and think. It's interesting, I read about all this power and then it supposed to be delivered in love. It's like the song the "power of love". It's Marty on his skateboard hitching a ride onto the back of this truck completely empowered but with fear that he's late for school again. He's his own person, though. I then wondered how Marty met Doc Brown. After some research, one of the co-creators of Back to the future shared with fan's

"Okay, from the horse's mouth (yes, I'm the horse -- er, co-writer, co-creator): We never explained it in the movie. But the history of the characters that Bob Zemeckis and I created is this... For years, Marty was told that Doc Brown was dangerous, a crackpot, a lunatic. So, being a red-blooded American teenage boy, age 13 or 14, he decided to find out just why this guy was so dangerous. Marty snuck into Doc's lab, and was fascinated by all the cool stuff that was there. when Doc found him there, he was delighted to find that Marty thought he was cool and accepted him for what he was. Both of them were the black sheep in their respective environments. Doc gave Marty a part-time job to help with experiments, tend to the lab, tend to the dog, etc. And that's the origin of their relationship. - Bob Gale"

Read More at:

 Then there was Star Wars where Luke had Obi Wan to guide him. I'm fascinated by the 80's movies and how they promoted this mentoring. I'm amazed of how easy it is for me to put my guard down. When I was working in hotels namely at the Sheraton. The CEO often spoke the phrase, "don't let your guard down". I had to really think about this. Then it hit me, this hotel is not my home, I cannot treat this like my home or else I won't care what I do here. I'm a guest as well. We want to make our guests feel at home here, not us. How many times have I treated restaurants, people, God as though they are family and not really cared. I read and think, it seems like this contrast of good and evil mixed to be love. It's like I work the best at times when I'm depressed. It's when I'm not expecting to do be an impact that I am. It's when I have too big an ego that I embarrass myself. Sometimes I find, I just need to be. Just be, quit trying and just be. It's the desire to want more, to be better, its the dilema's of my insecurity that flame up my excuses to not want freedom. Then my guard is down, there is no faith, and I feel like a wimp. I find that I use my background of God and bible knowledge, as an excuse to not desire strength. It's like I think that I can just go to it for back up. Hits me, I'll be tempted forever by who knows what, but the way God works is so that I can let Him work in me. My guard has to be up for whatever situation I get into. That's how he loves me, I guess you can call it the power of love for such a wimp like me.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Serving feeling Stupid

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.
1 Corinthians 15:58 NLT

The first thing that come's to mind is the passion God gives me for things. That zeal to run faster to work harder and hopefully work smarter. I've been at starbucks these days at about 1 pm, to focus on anything I have to do online, except upload videos. sip some eggnog latte,  I read and think. This hits home a little bit. I have done a lot of stuff for God and sometime's I felt it was useless. It's like I don't here feedback about a video or something else. I feel its a failure. Do I have failure issues? yes.

I've been watching Christmas vacation recently, and the movie hits me a different way every time. It's like here's Clark Grizwald, he won't give up on have a great family christmas, you couldn't keep him from having the christmas spirit. It's also like elf, you just couldn't take his joy away. It's crazy of how many things in my life, I really value. I can't but recall that camp scene again. Where I noticed some of my friends totally on a super spiritual high. I thought maybe I can get there if I act like them? What can be done for God? What is doing things for God? I think its when I don't want to do the right thing and I do it anyway.That sometimes means for me  that I break my leg for a friend. I practically give them my life. Elf knew how to welcome Santa.. Clark knew what it would take to have a great christmas. They both shared enthusiasm and that it would be worth it. I've lost count of the many videos I've done that either people forgot about or lost interest in. I totally lost money on them but I made them because I knew what I needed to do. It's the time after everythings done that i find myself depressed. I find myself doubting that anyone liked it. Did it work? Did the message help? Even doing these blogs, I find that I do it for myself more than anything and if they help someone else, awesome. I feel like the oddball alot, the weird one, the different one. It's like this vibe that I give to people when I'm thinking video. I don't understand how they can't share my excitement. But where do I get my excitement. It's like a cook thinking about what they could make for a feast. Like a contractor who envisions what he could build. It's like a photographer who can see the shot. A movie director who can see the story on the screen. I can't be ashamed over who I am. Whats to be embarrassed about. Then the temptation comes that I can only serve God in church or outside the country. That I can only be a teacher, preacher, greeter, usher, worship team, sound booth, etc. If none of those, then what? I always saw myself preaching but knew it wouldn't happen. I give people the wrong vibe. It's easy to get depressed about it and not feel needed or wanted. Especially when I have an idea that I believe is from God and it gets shattered. Or it has to be approved first, Unless I know someone on the inside. Some thoughts I need to keep to myself I guess. With me being so black and white, I just don't mention anything anymore. But what does God really mean? I find myself fighting patience and understanding in the knowledge of Him. I'm too impulsive.

Hits me. God will knock on my heart about anything, regardless of what it is, I need to be enthusiast about it. I have energy anyway and thats the challenge. If I don't feel like it I won't move. And when I'm serving him and obeying, even when I feel depressed and upset about it, I know its not useless (especially when it seems so little dinky). That's really hard too because sometimes I think things are just a lost cause. My ideas of service are not His, His ways aren't mine and I need to accept that. Elf knew it and so did Clark. Even if it's weird and doesn't make sense, just like Elf said "I just like meeting other humans that share my afinitie for elf culture". or something like that.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Search, Strength, Seek

Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.
1 Chronicles 16:11 NLT

At first I'm thinking that, it says search me oh God and know my heart. Then as I read closer, it was the other way around. It was a busy Thanksgiving weekend. We started with family and ended at the ranch, which we hadn't been to in 3 years. Shayne absolutely loved it. Sip some coffee, I read and think. How many times have I asked God for help but haven't sought him out? It's really weird, It's like deciding to take a class about software I want to learn, and the deciding not to and I'll figure it out myself. Can I figure this life out by myself? I've tried and have discovered that life you don't figure out, your life, you live.

I read and think, I have to remember that I'm the one who abandon's God, not Him, but me. I'm the one who struggles, not Him. I'm the one who does dumb things, not him. Why don't I study and really search him? Because I feel like I know the gear enough to make it work. I know life well enough to make it work. God wants to show me more and believe that I can get the most out of him. It's nuts, the more I surrender the more he puts things in my path to get me closer to Him. I really am bad at the challenges though. It all depends on the challenge too. I'm amazed of how God likes to challenge me, how he likes to push my buttons, it's actually a great training technique. How many times will he give me a shot until he gives me a break? He wants me to find his strength. But how do I do that? It's like watching a movie over and over, I can memorize every line and know every scene, but until I watch the movie with commentary or the makings, will I get to know the director what really their thoughts were. God's the same way, I can read the word cover to cover but if I don't ask questions and look things up and wonder about things, will I really get to know Him.  Hits me, God wants me to seek him out, He made me and knew me before I was born. No need to worry about him knowing me. It'll start as a search then I'll find strength and continue to seek him. Every day will be a new way to do it.

Friday, November 23, 2012

The Freedom to Betray God

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me."
As I wait for the coffee to brew this morning, I read this one. This is a big one for everyone. This is the double hanger, the line is again drawn. Who and what am I living for? What is the point of life? why do I do what I do? What has caused me to think the way I think? To react the way I react? It's like in the Goonies when they get to the basement and Mikey says "it all starts here". It's the upgrade I'm afraid to get because I'm afraid of what could happen. Or I just don't understand it. It's the moment in church when the communion is passed and i just don't know where I'm at with God. I haven't thought about communion. coffee's ready. 
It's like when the client finally walks into the room when the set is going on for a while, everyone kind of stands still, to see if things are the way they should be. When someone opens a paper bible out in public, or they pray at a restaurant, people glance. It's the line in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade "my souls prepared, how's yours?" After all is said and done, what is this life for?
I can't but think of the hundreds of communions I have participated in, and I considered myself confident and humble. I read and think, How many times have  I betrayed God? Too many. He took bread on the night he was betrayed. It's like on date night, we're having a great time, and I just happen to share a few misc thoughts and ruin the whole rest of the evening.  Who is God anyway? and why do I need Him? Why does it seem that I fight this dual with Him? Do I think I can win? I can't but think of Satan and how he likes to attack me. He likes to kill my identity. I can't but think of what Christ did while he was here. Now he wants me to remember Him? I do all the time. But it's not that. It's this constant void that I have, that I seek pleasure in. It's so hidden in so many different ways that its easy to get confused. It's my free will view of everything. It's the questions I have about life and death and how my family will be. It's what do I feel like doing  at the moment, I want to watch a movie, or I want to go outside or I'm awake and need to get out of bed, its the todo's, its the frustrations, the questions, the anger, the hunger. It's this pleasure, this honesty, these hidden fears and insecurities of whatever, that form my heart and that make me who I am.  As soon as I run into God, Will I betray him again? Why is it, that only when I need Him, I pray? Nature of Habit? Is that why, I need Him? He can only fill that void and I can't stand that at times.

I read and think, hits me. I'm going to misjudge people and God. That's why he was betrayed. That's why he was denied, and that's why He came as a baby and not as a grown man. I think often of what Christ did when He was physically here, now he wants to use me physically everyday however he pleases, and he will and he has. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in or what's on my mind, he knows. I can't trick Him. He wants to live in me, that's it. Symbolically i eat the bread and drink the wine or in my language I obey Him when He tells me to act on something or to just trust Him. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
I have to drink some coffee, before I get into this one. These days, I find myself really trusting in God and battling Him. Now that I'm on my own again, surprisedly. All Susan and I want to do is listen to His spirit. That is very challenging and tough at times. Sip some coffee, I read and think. As a christian I view this and say "oh, she doens't understand that God did that for a reason. " As an unsaved person, it would be more anger and disbelief or things just happen. It's this line again, that I see that keeps people and myself from believing God. 
Why does God do this? It's that one reason I don't like going to Walmart, it's that one reason I want unfriend certain people on facebook, its that one reason why I hate my life at times. It's that one reason why I keep going to starbucks and not dunkin donuts. It's those reason's I prefer certain restaurants over others. I prefer Target over Fry's. It's that same reason why family's have problems. Why people lose their jobs, they end their marriages. The same reason why I've done so terribly in business all these years. It's the same reason why I have scars. The same reason why the phrase "same sh$t, different day" exists. It's the same reason I resort to have no expectations of things. It's the same reason I have no college degree. It's the same reason people I know say I need to be "corralled". It's the same reason I fight bitterness, live in my past, fight anger, wish I was someone else. It's the same reason people don't attend church, can't stand it. It's the Why question?

Why are God's reason way different at times, than what I thought they would be. I've learned one thing when entering a set, never have expectations of what I think its going to be. I look at this verse and can say, that Martha told Jesus exactly what He wanted to hear. He wanted to know how she really felt. I don't talk to God like this hardly ever. Yesterday I lost it with him, I finally just told him what I thought. God wants to hear this stuff from me. It's not my nature to share my true feelings with him. It's my nature to share respectively what I think I need to share and hold my actually feeling of insecurity back. It's like "you never yell at dad". I've learned recently that I have been operating my video thing as a hobby for over 20 years and calling it a company. No wonder thing's weren't making sense. That's like believing in God and calling yourself a christian. It's shopping at Target so much that you call yourself an employee. It's like watching a movie so much, I think I own the rights to it. It's like being in love with the idea of a girl and never talking to her. Hits me. I'm going to be in pain in situations, my family will go through hard times, and we'll let God know how we feel. We'll have sleepless nights and be drained for weeks. God wants to know how we feel about what He's doing or not doing. He wants to hear thankfulness and bitterness, He doesn't want anything held back. It's why, the WHY!!!, the why, the why, why, why, ?

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Off-Road Car

"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'
Matthew 25:40 NLT

This is like one of those hidden tests, a candid camera trick to see if I'm paying attention or not. We had date night last by surprise, they're always by surprise. We went to Manuals, one of my favorite locations. When I read ones like these, I think of that fine line again. But the line between doing good and the line of obedience. With the so called end of the world coming, I keep on hearing people say things like "as long as you were good to each other you'll be fine and you did your best". Man I wish it was that simple. I keep on thinking of free will and what keeps me from God. As Santa said in Elf 'there's just no christmas spirit anymore". People wonder where God is? So do I at times. He's just not on our time scheudule, we made all that stuff up and we blame him for it, when things don't work the way we plan them. God continues to give us the test again, and we fail. I find myself all the time judging others before I help them and then even worse afterwards.  I read and think, I look at the road I drive on, and think about the person ahead of me. Where are they going? do they know? the roads don't judge, they just are. It's not until you get onto rugged terrain that things change. You need a different car or an offroad vehicle. To me the christian life is like an offroad trail and too many people think they can drive their nice street cars on it, but get stuck and are feel as long as they get to the end their fine. I wish it was the simple. I wish I could drive a motor home off roading and be relaxed. I wish this life with God was easy. I'll have other christians tell me "just live for Jesus". Then  I can tell them to get a job in this economy. I read and think again.  I know all kinds of nice people who have the biggest hearts, and they will go above and beyond because they just love to. People can do whatever they want, they say whatever they want, and they believe whatever they want. God wants that, he wants the challenge, and he planned it that way. I get this backwards a lot. When I feel a challenge from God, I don't say much, but I find He really wants me to call on Him. It's just nuts. He wants me to make up my mind and get frustrated. It's an eternal frustration. It's the fact that I think I have control of my life, but when I don't, I yell at God. Yet without the frustration, He sometimes doesn't get my attention. Why? Why can't he get my attention all the time? Is it because I think I'm fine, as long as I'm positive and do good for those who are the least of these? I feel like that guy who refuses to follow the directions because "there just can't be only one way to do it". Hits me, It feels good to help the less fortunate, and I know that won't get to heaven but its one step closer To God. It's what God implanted in all of us. It's this hunger that I didn't know I had, this pain killer that i don't believe I need. It's the road that I will get me closer.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Problem Child

Teach them [God's commandments] to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

As I sip coffee this morning and read this one, I can't but think of how I was raised with it. Every night we'd have family dinner and a devotional which I got little out of. I got used to the routine though. We had order in the house. I mean dad worked and mom stayed home. I kind of chuckle when I type that. Those days are about over. But it makes sense that the wife being the nester would stay home. I'm not a nester, I'm a worker. I can clean, but mommy definitely is the nester, I just have no skills in thinking about what makes a house a home except at christmas time when my leg lamp comes out. I'm reminded of the devotional book we read as kids "anybody can be cool, but awesome takes practice. My parents did what they thought was right in raising us. We are all grown up and have done our own things. I kept telling them, not to worry about me, don't every think I all the sudden forgot about what you taught me. I freaken went to church every day of my life, prayed, potlucks, all the stuff.

I'm then reminded of Problem Child with John Ritter. A married couples adopts this monster of a child. I feel,  I was a problem child to my parents at times. I was wild (still am), crazy, obnoxious, weird, rude, gross, immature, embarrassing, impulsive, Just on my own, I didn't care what people thought of me........I still don't. What can I say I was problem child. All of my sibling's were different. Dad says, we were all fine. Then I think of what kind of child I am to God. Oh great, how I look at myself compared to how he looks at me. I'm supposed to see myself the way he see's me. Not the way I do. I have a problem with that. I don't live in his freedom. However, I do find myself talking about his Word when I am at home and when I'm on road. God's always working on me as his child. I'll never be his brother or his uncle. I'll always be his child and him my father. Why do I have a problem with that? Why does is it feel like I'm a problem for God? Why does God stress me out? Sometimes I feel I put Christ back on the cross. I find myself getting angry about my upbringing, angry that it wasn't different. Hits me, no matter what, I am a child of God, he adopted me. That's the whole deal. No matter what my upbringing was or what happened, I have to accept it eventually. God wasn't shocked, he doesn't get shocked, usually he does the shocking anyway. What I call problems in my life, he calls opportunities for freedom, what I call being lost and rejected, he calls finding Him. When I consider myself a problem child, he considers me, His delight. What am I going to do? I can live in my past, which is where I usually am, which leads me to bitterness, resentment, and anger or I can strive to let go of that and let Christ live his life in me and use those memories to draw me close to Him. How he does that, I have no Idea. He does it, in His own way.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Everyday Dilemma

For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.
Matthew 11:30 NLT

I honestly forgot about this one. I had to look it up and figure out what it meant. It's a pretty big deal. This is also one of those "the line is here". I can cross it and let God take care of me, or I can stay where I'm at and be miserable. It's a life of not be fake. It's like with hostess this last week. I took my family to Target to get some Twinkies and sure enough they were gone. A shelf stalker handed me some little debby cakes but I thought, dude it's hostess not little debby. I can't just go with something that's a copy. I need the original. I appeased him and just took the box. We got home and sure enough Shayne now loves cloud cakes by little debby. I'm thinking, well we can always get those.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm trying to enjoy some dunkin donuts coffee this morning. It's pumkin spice and its not very good so far. I think i'll have to make another pot of normal starbucks before Susan gets up. It's the battle between good and evil, it's the ring that froto had to carry until he threw it in the pit. The yoke I find I carry is very heavy. Christ was designed to carry it, not me. He can handle it. He wants to give him his free yoke which is humble, loyal, etc. His burden is light. It's this changing of season's. It's the sun going up and down to that gives me another opportunity to take his character upon myself and learn from it. But of course I do in the areas that are easy but not in those that hurt, hidden, and painful. It's making the switch from a regular cell phone to a smart phone. It's making the switch from an old Tv to a digital TV. It's getting rid of junk in the home that you just need to. It's cleaning your home up to start the week fresh.

Christ doesn't want to me to just study his word and go and sin. It's like going to the gym and then afterwards eating bad. It's like buying an HD tv and blu-ray player, then only watching DVDs  and not blu-ray's. It's like building a surround system and choosing only to use the tv speakers.

This so called "yoke" of my insecurities feels so tough that I don't know how to get out it at times. It's this depression, this zone, of fog that just doesn't seem lighten. I wish I could just open the door and let fresh air in to get this stuffy smell out. I can, it's called opening the door and letting Christ in. But I did that years ago. Uh, you need to that everyday and every moment. That sucks, because this society isn't like that. It's this dilemma I say that is holding me back from freedom. Hits me, this is a long blog today. Sure I can just let Christ wait, until I understand my dilemma fully. With Christ I can just walk away from it. It's an everyday dilemma, that only Christ can handle and I have to believe him and do it. That's the hard part, is not believing the lie.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Bible Bomb

I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.
John 14:27 NLT

At first I'm thinking. This was before Christ was going to leave. Sip some coffee, I read and think. This is probably the biggest thing the world has against God. This is where the line draws. Like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade "my soul's prepared, how's yours" or "only the penetant man will pass". It's where the line draws, it's the moment when I realized I was going to marry my girlfriend and had to change gears in my mind from dating to marriage. It's the moment when I quit highlighting the bible to pretend I memorized a scripture. It's the moment when you realized you've been lied to, and you're troubled about why you couldn't detect it early on. It's the moment when I realize I am an addict. I'm one of "them"? Where I realize I'm tired of the bible and church, I want out. I feel more welcome at Starbucks and Target, where I talk to no one and no one talks to me. Why do I feel safe in public? I read and think, I find myself confident in God and peaceful yet I feel troubled but not so afraid. The bible hurts because truth hurts. It's not rejection, it's like when my daughter gets a scrape, we have to put medicine on it. It's this coping skill i have to develop. I remember being tired of the bible and God and walked away from it. I met people who had come from the other side and they said "don't go over there, it's not worth it". It's like as soon as I'm given instruction on what to do and the boss leaves, do I do it? or do I go on my way and do my own thing? Am i going to follow the instructions to build this lego set or am I going to look at the picture and see if I can with my own creativity make something that looks like it. It's the moment when you are ready to drive, you have your license, are you ready to drive on your own ? It's that moment when you have your degree, now what? It's like when the hobbits were leaving the shire. Hits me, you have to go into the most deserted parts of the world to find people who haven't heard of God. He's known everywhere else. He's hated, He's despised, yet the bible is the best seller. It's full of sex, drugs, and rocknroll, lust, jealously, murder, horror, infidelity, incest, hatred, everything you can imagine to piss you off. yet its not attractive, because its the truth. Yet when I'm convicted I hate it. All that to heal me. All God wants me to do is believe Him, know that He's got my back, that He's aware of everything going on. He's given me free will to make this journey with Him creative and not a bomb shell like it appears it could be.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Christian Coma

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
James 1:9 NLT

I'm reminded of the many moments when I was totally have screwed this up. These scriptures these past weeks, have really pissed me off. I don't like them because they ARE NAILING ME like crazy. Understand is the key word here. I feel like I get into a coma at times, when in conversation. I'm just not thinking. I feel I need to give them an answer. It's like when I was in retail I would get a phone call and the guy would want to know how much something was with tax and then another thing and then another thing. Pretty soon I told him to come in. As a christian what do I do? I want to love the person but when I get in that moment where they need money or just prayer, I am too impulsive, it's like a I get into this coma where I either say sorry can't help or just I'm trying to be Mr. wisdom and be quick to listen and slow to speak. Or I want to throw them to someone else. I am slow to get angry unless something really pisses me off.

As a christian I find myself immediately jumping to "what would jesus do?" I have no idea. Give to ceaser what is ceasers and to God what is Gods? or help the poor? or he who is without sin cast the first stone? or your faith has saved you? or even the man your with right now isn't your husband? or you will be denying christ tonight? or mary is the wiser one that is seeking knowledge? Give everything you have and follow me? judge not less you be judged? AAAAAHHH.

I find myself just stuck. Should I take in this stray? uh the guy is not an animal, you can't throw some food at him and he'll go away. Do i need to have a back up plan or am I being legalist and already know what they want that they're interfereing with my schedule.

This coma is so addicting. It's like going into starbucks and saying hi as you walk in and introducing yourself to everyone. Why would I do that? It's almost like a library its so quiet, but its a coffee shop. it's this atmosphere that I've joined to be alone in my thoughts in public. It's like operating a business based on nothing. I don't share my relationship with God with anyone unless they're in my coma with me. I delight myself in my family and not in God. Man that's so easy to do. Hits me, I may not understand the scriptures at times or be in the mood to be social. But its ok to just be patient and relax when confronted with anything. I won't offend anyone (even if they're barking advice down my throat that I didn't ask for). God wants to condition me, he wants to mold me into him not him to me. I keep trying to tame God. God is process of taming me to His likeness and not mine.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Good employee or faithful servant

As the LORD commanded his servant Moses, so Moses commanded Joshua, and Joshua did it; he left nothing undone of all that the LORD commanded Moses.
At first I'm thinking of life's great pleasures. Those things that just make you have great day. So I googled it. The top 3 made sense, finding money, taking a vacation, and getting into bed with fresh sheets. Then there's that moment when you're working out a plan that was given to you, and your thinking that they're going to love what your doing. Only to find out later that things changed and they didn't inform you. Sip some coffee, I read and think. It's amazing when I start obeying God and I feel weird about it. When I disobey God, I feel convicted about it. It's this war going on between good and evil. Between logic and care, between time and money. Joshua could have said, now wait, what I am going to get out of this. He simply did it. I was told recently that I was a good employee. I thought about it and said, well the work needs to get done. Do I whistle while I work? The old saying "love what you do for a living and you'll never work again" comes to mind. I'll never forget telling telling my dad when I was working for him, that I was having fun. He said "I don't want you playing around now, I want you working". For the first time, it hit me that when God gave me joy in what I was doing. I was serving God as I was working. It seems so contrasting. How can God give me joy in Him while I'm making money? I also spoke with a guy many years ago about paying someone to preach. The debate was, it just didn't seem right to pay a pastor who should be doing this for the Lord. My argument was the size of the load that was placed on the pastor. Then it hit me later, that we are all pastors. Hits me, am I working in this life to serve or am I serving God and he's putting me to work? Joshua loved God and left nothing undone because he found joy in what he was doing.  As I pursue God in different way's, he'll direct me where I need to go and I'll have joy in whatever I do. It doesn't matter what  I am doing. As long as I am doing. I might stall but I have to keep moving even if its to think. I need to be faithful to God and sometimes that takes forever. Sure I can be a good employee, anyone can. But a faithful servant? that takes something more than just good, that's personal.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Lies vs Life

And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.
I wish this were incorrect, but it isn't. Yep, its the truth. I often think it reads, satan himself masquerades an a devil with red horns. But he's not, he appears when I'm vulnerable. It's like the white witch from Narnia. Everything that can fool you.  Yet God uses it for his glory to grow me to him. I'm amazed of how many times God lets satan do his thing on me. Then the season is over. Today Shayne gave me the white crayon and said, this doesn't work. I giggled and thought a little bit. That white crayon doesn't work on other colors but it does if you draw on white and then cover over it with other colors. I'm amazed of how many times its ignored and put to the side, like its not needed. How many times have needed to use the white crayon first and didn't. How many times have I needed to listen to God and didn't. This angel of light has always appeared in the most weird ways and in the most vulnerable moments. It's God's way of united me and building me. It's the disguise that I need to be sensitive to. It's like in Fellowship of the Ring. It was the ring, the precious. It's this drug, this addiction that I don't know I have. My confidence goes to myself. Everything keeps me alone. Then I want out, I pray and pray, yet God is asking for my attention not my fear. If I were to just keep following him instead of get distraction on the trail.  Give me blinders, actually that's the word of God. Then watch myself from being prideful when I get my confidence from the word of God. I'm amazed of how this angel of light has snuck into the church and swirled around. He's snuck into homes and choked everyone. We don't feel choked we just feel empty and tired and just take it one day at a time. God designed it like that, so I cling to his word and truth. When I get hit, and fail real quick, it takes a while to believe I can believe this truth. It's like in the movies when a super hero turns bad because of some weird thing hitting them, then they come out of it. I'm like in this trance and a few weeks go by and I'm back to normal. It's like getting sick and never thinking you'll get better, then you are better and I completely forget that I was sick, and I plugging away careless. It just happens. There's no controlling it, or is there? Hits me, this angel of light is out to kill me. He operates like a computers virus. He's hidden, he's crazy, the problem is is that he knows me, he knows me better than I know myself. Whats worse is that I believe him too. The weird thing is, is that he's a liar. why would I believe a lie? I end up believing a lie rather than the truth. Is it because I can't handle the truth and I just would rather believe the lies? I find myself making the lies believable. Then when I go to the word, it's like I'm dehydrated and I'm finally drinking water, it takes a lot of water to get back hydration (3 cups after 1 cups of coffee, and more after beer). Alot of the word to get the healing going again. It takes a lot of belief in what I don't want to believe. The lies are nuts and they scar and tear, kill, revenge and pain. There are lots of bruises and pits, anger, rage, bitterness, envy, discusting filth that I don't think the word can handle. It makes me just keep it alone on my mind. I find myself gazing in exhaustion at the sight of myself. When I'm done panting for air with whats left of my aching body after a battle, God's sitting there ready to speak, because I don't have the energy now. Instead of being full of lies He's full of life. I'm drained and my life meter is empty and it'll take a while to get filled again. It's like the scene from the last crusade. The true grail will give you life but the false grail will take it from you. I need to strive for His life in me, and he'll use the angel of light to give me every opportunity to do so. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

The misunderstood word

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.
The first thing that comes to mind, is that, this all comes with experience.  I have trouble holding my tongue. I find that I catch on to things much quicker than others do. Then at times, I'm so far behind I don't no where I'm at. I'll never forget when I was younger, going into retail stores and seeing everything I wanted and needed. It began to stress me out one night. Then once I worked for them and understood more about it, I realized how much I didn't need. It's also the same in video. It's all a process, just like many other things. It's really crazy, I go on in my life misunderstood about so much stuff I feel. It's like a death sentence at times. I all the sudden feel just so alone. Do I deride my neighbors? I probably deride everyone on Facebook and their just nice to me and put up with the crap I put on there. Its an acceptance thing too. Do I accept everyone I meet? Usually, but is it because I lack understanding to begin with of them? It's like a surface thing in a social group. When I understand stuff, I usually will agree. If I understand that they don't understand I'll be nice and fake that they're right. But then I'll just go on my way. Maybe I should have corrected them? I'm not sure. I feel that this is the biggest critical thing in knowing God. This is what also keeps me away from Him at times? My misunderstanding of Him in a situation. i find myself lacking judgement and not understanding, yet I find myself ahead of everyone because of my way of thinking. Hits me, God didn't come to die for me so I could beat myself up and hold my tongue. He is the understanding and the ultimate judge, all he wants me to do is study His word and not my circumstances that i wreck.  I claim that I wreck everything, He doesn't. He see's my moments as apart of the path that I tend to hate.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Why was I born?

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.
John 15:13 NLT

The first thing that comes to mind, is the question, why was I born? I like to watch people think. I can't read their thoughts but its interesting to watch body movements and reactions. I think that's why I didn't succeed in school. I was fascinated more with watching the teacher teach and the tools they used than I was with the content being presented.Then the teacher's reaction to me for not listening was even better. What can I say, I'm a daydream believer. I had a guy tell me once, he would like to see footage of the camera  man taking video, that's entertaining enough. I have a headache this morning. Last night 5 video's showed successfully. I had been working on these since august. At the ball last night, a question came from a singleton mom with stage 4 breast cancer "I'm still here for a reason". I was thinking about that a few days ago. What keeps people from God?  Free will came to mind. The big "god works for you and thats nice, but not for me". God came here to save by serving.  I read and think. I get this backwards. I keep on thinking that it says, there's nothing better than to feel loved. That's because I'm selfish. I was born selfish and in need of a savior to show me He gave his life for me. My problem is I have trouble accepting love from my savior. Hits me, why was I born? Because God embedded a different style of his image in me, and in the process of my life, he has revealed his eternal plan day by day (especially when I don't care). It's a question of free will, sure I'll get depressed, be happy, angry, etc. That's all how God does it. He keeps modifying me through my circumstances with his great love, so I might see this life through His eyes and not mine. Giving me no excuses to relate with people as I along with them strive to lay my life down in one way or another.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Producing Backwards

They have returned to the sins of their forefathers, who refused to listen to my words. They have followed other gods to serve them. Both the house of Israel and the house of Judah have broken the covenant I made with their forefathers.
The first thing that comes to mind is when you leave a crew of men in a room, you come back in an hour and nothings been done and the guys are gone. It's like trying to sell something on Craig'slist and the person buying never shows up to get it. I'm waiting and waiting, and no show. It's the challenging part about producing a video. Working with people and deadlines. Tonight I have 5 videos showing for Singleton moms. These are 5 of the single parents with cancer that were willing to share their cancer stories with the world and how Singleton moms helped support them during treatment. Why am I interested in this organization? I have never been interested in things like this. Sure millions of people have cancer, BUT. When your a parent and your single, stop right there. That's all I need to here. Video Production is an art. I'll never forget watching the makings of "spiderman returns". Watching Bryan Singer go through the process of producing this movie. To me it was subpar (not my favorite). Throughout the makings, he kept saying we have more work to get done. He was always thinking ahead, when everyone else was having a good time in the moment. Sip some coffee, I read and think. For the longest time I have been producing videos backwards (which is how I think). I'm backwards, I'll listen to a song and think about how I can put it to video. If I had the education, I would have learned that you storyboard what your thinking and the figure out the music next. My problem was I was shooting candids 90% of the time. Their story was a birthday party, or a wedding, or a retreat, etc. I can't make up a story, but I can listen to one and story board it. How many times have I thought I was the director of my life, that I was the producer of my life? The production process can be lengthy and not for everyone, but those who are willing to plow through it. It's worth the perseverance. The whole point of it, is to make a difference, to show a video to people that they'll remember and want to watch again and will make them talk. What's crazy is how fast I can get caught up the process and quit listening to the producer. Hits me, just because my forefathers have screwed up doesn't mean I have to. I will though, and have. When the word is truth, and God is directing me in his production, I need to listen even if I think the move is ridiculous. I can go my own way and ignore him, but he won't ignore me. Video Production is a process, no one understands unless they've done it, or attempted to. God's always taking me through his production of my life, and wherever I am at in his production, I can't bail even though I want to, he's constantly directing me and I need to listen. When I see the final cut of his work in my life, I'll see how much he understood me and how backwards I was thinking. It's his work in me on a daily basis.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Pirate Presence.

They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea.
All that comes to mind is living in fear, being paranoid. I'm not one to live in fear, however I do have issues with failure. I'm reminded of Swiss Family Robinson, namely the pirate scene at the end. How the family prepared their best for the pirates to come. It was only 6 of them against the pirates. They had no fear. How many times have I been worried about a video to get out, about a video playing right in a presentation, or a video having an impact. God will have his way with whatever he does. Do I really believe that as the waters cover the sea, the earth will be full of his knowledge. That's extreme but its the truth. When I get into my own mess of pirates, whether it be bills to pay, a job to get out or just emotional stress, do I really believe God will flood everything with his presence? Am I asking for God's presence when I sleep? Or am I living in fear of the pirates? Hits me, I can worry all I want about what's to come or I can focus on God's presence and knowledge of Him and when the pirates appear, he'll give me wisdom on what to do with each given situation.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Obedient Plan

Observe therefore all the commands I am giving you today, so that you may have the strength to go in and take over the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess...
I first thought it said "observe the plans I am giving you today, not the commands. How often to I get that wrong. God is working out his plan for me and I need to follow his commands. I'm tired this morning, I keep on waking up at 2 or 3 all depending on how tired I was going to bed. We introduced Shayne to Annie last night. She usually doesn't like movies she's never seen but she kept watching this one and kept telling me she didn't want to watch it. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of all the tech rules that I have learned in my life about computers, camera's, home theatre, etc. It's these commands that I know and sometimes old tricks that I still use to this day.  There's a way to do everything. If there's not a plan, its very challenging. I find myself treating God this way too. I want a plan, he won't show me. He wants me to be obey him and follow his lead, and I like to try to figure his plan out and run ahead to step one. It's backwards to what I've been trained to do. I've been trained to know how to setup certain gear, how to make sure that a room is done. I'll get a diagram and follow it. God doesn't do that, he leads and wants me to follow. He opens doors and closes them, and since I'm following him not knowing where he's leading, I should be fine. This is not always the case. This is where my control issues come in. My free spirit kicks in and I start laughing and choose to have no expectations so I don't stress. Can't God show me a schematic of what's to come? Usually he does, He'll open doors, He'll give me a job, or he won't, and he'll give me something else. He doesn't want me to see the plan, just like he has disabled the feature in all of us to read each others thoughts. Hits me, when I go to do a show, I am told nothing but who the client is and when to show up and kind of what I'll be doing. All my knowledge and experience is at stake. I follow my training, its very vague at times. God's no different, He lets me know moment by moment at times what I need to do. Sometimes I need to listen even when I don't agree and sometimes I don't want to do that. I want to know what lies ahead, and little do I know that by simply obeying his commands, I'm being strengthened for the plan that he's working in me the whole time.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Playground Justice

For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face.
All yesterday I was thinking about who to vote for. I haven't cared really. The selections were terrible. It was like working with subpar gear that you knew was going to crash and fail during the show. I was embarrassed. Sip some coffee, I read and think. The thing that stands out to me in this verse is "upright men". Do they even exist? I've noticed at the park these past few weeks of fall, alot of dads. So I acknowledged them. I've greeted them and said "how's it goin?" They're men who care about their kids. This is the future of our country. As I was looking at the voting ballot last night, I found myself looking around the room too. Looking at this assortment of people wanting a change in their country. Was this ballot really going to change things? Or were we all just signing more people up to keep their jobs. It's like walking into someones house and looking at their home theatre or what they call a home theatre and the problem they have is that have no knowledge of what they just bought. I was helping out a neighbor the other day with her computer and her problem wasn't internet, it was that her email acct had been deactivated months ago, no wonder the passwords weren't working. So many of us have no idea what the government is for, including me. Yet if my internet isn't working, I'm on the phone. I read and think. When the other dads and I are watch our kids on the playground, the kids just aren't playing, they are learning and developing skills, this playground is a tool, we're just guiding them and watching them. It's the weirdest thing. God loves justice, He does things to me that don't make any sense, but he's righteous too, so He has a plan to make me upright through whatever is going on. Hits me, As i entered the doors of this little church to vote last night, I saw the freedom we had to vote anywhere, and the freedom of religion. As I looked at the ballot full of people who are supposedly working to make this place a great to live,  I couldn't but think of what a game I was playing and this ballot was my playing card. Then I go back to the playground of where I learned about how I operate and how I learn things. God has a unique way of showing me his presence, showing me to be upright, helping me through tough times, especially when I think he's wrong, He's actually righteous and showing me how he is just and right. Even if I don't have the proper gear, He understands and will get me through the show.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Enduring Plan

The Lord will work out his plans for my life-for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me.
Psalm 138:8 NLT

I always get reluctant about these types. At first I read it and think yes. Then the abandon me part come's in and I'm thinking, of course he's not going to me. We had a family gathering yesterday. My mom's cousin came out to visit. They hadn't been out west in 13 years. It was really cool to see them. I'm amazed of what blood family is about. I have cousins, and they're my blood. Can I look at a stranger and mentally make them my relative? not really. Then I get introduced to a new cousin and I consider us family, I find myself taking it to heart. Sip some coffee, I read and think. How many times have I thought that God's plans for me would be stable and consistent? How many times have I thought that this so called "narrow road" would be easy and joyful? That's probably why His love endures forever. Because easy and joyful can take forever to get to. I can easily feel abandoned and hurt, but yet again I have to remember that God made me in his image. I have to remember that they are HIS plans not mine and He'll be faithful despite my unfaithfulness. It's amazing of how I drift away from him and yet blame him for abandoning me. I'm reminded of TOP GUN, when Maverick is told by his commander that he was just like him. Then how many movies has that scene been duplicated? I'm also reminded of Bible School at Bodenseehof. How in the beginning of the semester we were told to read the bible in a year. I said forget it, I don't read books, I study them. And no one tells me to read the bible in a year. Any other book, I'll read in a year, but not the bible. That's just too valuable of a book to skim through. So I didn't. They warned me I wouldn't pass. I told them my life doesn't depend on this schools requirements. And my ADD was so high that I knew I would be focusing on just reading the stinkin book than growing in God. So I didn't pass and I watched everyone cram the bible in their brain and stress out all year trying to read this book. They should have just made it a club. I read and think, Hits me. I have to remember that God made me, I didn't make Him. I can give him my plans that  I feel he's telling me and trust Him with them (as best I can). Hard seasons will come and go, and just as he endured living here, His love will endure with me forever even when I'm enduring forever.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Faith Rescue

So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.
James 2:17 NLT

When I read this one, I'm always reminded of that story of the guy in the tree asking God to rescue him. All the sudden, a helicopter appears, and he refuses. Then a boat appears, and he refuses. Then an airplane appears and he refuses. He dies, and God says to him that he sent all these things and he didn't use them. The guy was waiting for a majestic rescue not a logical one. Sip some coffee, I read and think. How many times have I let that moment go by where God was providing and passed it up. It reminds me when I was in business for myself in 2005. Things weren't going well as usual and I felt that I needed to look for a job. I felt awkward applying for jobs, and I got a call that day. I then the spend the next 2 years in retail selling home theatre. I was on commission but also paid $12 an hour. I knew I wouldn't be doing it forever, but I didn't know when I would put an end to it. Then I spent the next 4 years in corporate audio visual. I also have the thought I wouldn't be doing that forever either. I read and think, I have often thought that God needs my help. When really his knocking on my door because I need His. I just have trouble noticing the knock. I keep on wanting to get what I need done first and then answer the door. Sometimes he wants me to drop what I'm doing and just listen to him. Then there are moments when I think he said something but he didn't. Then it's like He did and I misread Him. Then its distinguishing His call between a temptation. He wants me to obey his commands, simply. I have a tendency to make things really complicated, but I must understand them in my own way. Faith never ends, its always there. But I have to use it and believe it. I have to make sure that I'm having faith in the right way too? How do I do this? I can't let my guard down, I have to be aware at all times. I'm not good at that. Without worrying and getting upset when I do mess things up. I have to just surrender everything to God. When I need a rescue, God always provides one, I just have to be open whether it be with logic or love, and accept it.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

My Initech mug

But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him.
Deuteronomy 4:29 NLT

What do I think about in this? the heart and soul will find you. I forget about that. It's the Holidays, I'll see to getting my Christmas decor out this week. Get this place up to par. I'm waiting for the coffee this morning, but have I searched for God? I find I need to take a walk, to pace in order to think. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I grabbed by Initech mug this morning. A mug from the movie office space. A lot of swearing in this movie, but the whole point of it is. Why am I working for the man? There is so much more possibility than having 4 bosses tell you the same thing. It reminds me of the church too. How many mega churches are run like businesses. It's crazy but it's the only way they can function. Then in both you get into politics, which is why I would be constantly searching for God. I can only imagine how many people hate their jobs but go in, day in and day out for the check, but are miserable. Do I really search for God with my heart and soul or do I just give him a thought or two? I live in a society of instant gratification and distraction. But I feel, with that, it makes the searching for the answer even more aggressive. I read and think, Peter Gibbons was searching for an answer, you'd think that just working with computers and doing something important for the y2k change over would be enough, but it wasn't. He finally found his identity in the outdoors. He wasn't going to let the man manipulate him. He wanted to be free, he loved watching kung fu, and just wanted to prove to his boss that he was free. Where do I go? what do I do? Now that I'm an adult, the search is more apparent. Facebook becomes a hidden friend and a tool. Hits me, I will find God when I don't expect to, He will hit my heart and soul the way he chooses, whether or not I'm searching. Because alot of times in my confusion, I was looking for Him, crying out to Him, without knowing it.