Thursday, May 31, 2012

Growing without understanding

“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever.” 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 NLT

These kind always make me think. Its so interesting of how I don't think about the end all the time, I tend to seize the moment I have here. I slept ok last night, I think i hurt Shaynes feelings again when she woke up at two, hungry for cereal and then didn't want to wait for it, so I ate it. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of my friend Josh Heller's headstone ceremony yesterday. His dad had called me a month ago about attending it and shooting it. As I drove down there, I was thinking about the memories we'd had, how complex individuals we were. As I saw the headstone revealed and then his name in the wall nearby I had to think of who he was when he was here, and then why was he taken so soon?  And then had to think about how eternal God is and how internal I am. Every time I've attended a funeral or done a memorial service, it always made me think of my purpose on this earth and how God sees us as his children. It baffles me. I feel I don't need to understand His purpose. I just need to live for Him. How many people that are alive do I take for granted and then miss them when they are gone? I had to also think of John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave. I would have said, "guys heavens way better, your mansions are done, forget that place down there, lets party up here". No, God Loved the world, he didn't see it as a mistake like I do. I mess up so I see things as mistakes. If only, If only, If only. God doesn't see it like that either. He's see growth and perseverance, and loves showing me how much I need Him. By giving his only son to show me how to live down here for him, more let Him live through me down here. I find myself seeing eternally without understanding. I read and think. Hits me, this life is not about getting things done, not about making people happy, not about goals, having a good healthy family, having things. God breathes life on earth and takes life from it, he loves the world. Only an eternal God can do that. It's his desire for me to see it like He see's it. To live like he lived, and think like he thinks and to listen to others and show others that same way of  living, regardless if I understand it or not.

Monday, May 28, 2012

No. Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try. - Yoda

“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 NLT

Can it really be that simple? I'm not sure. I slept ok last night, we're starting to get Shayne into the pool now and its funny how much she loves it, yet how cautious she is. Coffee is good this morning, I decided to go ahead and wake up at my usual 4:30 even though its Memorial day because I just wanted the peace and quiet. I was reminded of Yoda's line "do or do not, there is no try" when I got up this morning. I had no idea what it applied to but it was just on my mind. In Empire, Luke is attempting to free the X-wing from the bog, he simply tells Yoda "Alright I'll give it a try", in which Yoda responds "No..try not. Do or do not. There is no try". I'll never forget a girl that came up to me at bible school to show me her new bible. She was so excited. With a flat face I looked at it, noticed it was a bible and said "cool, great a new bible". I didn't share the excitement. Why couldn't I, why wasn't I excited. Sure she was saved. But why couldn't I get excited with her and about getting a bible. I didn't even try, I let my emotions get ahold of me and basicly told her I didn't care. How selfish can I be? Why can't I be happy with people even if I'm not interested? Why can't I apply the word of God and live this life? Yoda's right. Luke was so young in Jedi training that he just didn't understand what doing was. You let the force flow through you. You don't try, you just let. Sure I was a christian but really knew nothing about living. I'm amazed when I'm in my realm. I don't think about it, but others tell me later of how I thrive. When I see them in there realm, I try to tell them later. I'm also amazed of how the closer I become to God, the easier it is to do those things. In the beginning it seems like being happy with people who are happy appears like raising my own x-wing out of the bog, just impossible. I don't want to be fake. Once I just let the spirit love them through me, and the x-wing is nothing and the bog is nothing because its not me who's doing it. Yoda had trained Jedi's for 800 years, his biggest thing was that they had to be focused and serious and dedicated. Not wondering about the future or about the past but the now. How many times have I thought too much about stuff and concluded with just brushing people aside. Hits me, I can say how I try to obey God's word and listen to his spirit. But there is no try..its only do. Even if I'm not interested I need to be interested and even if I'm not sad, I need to care. Christ's message is that simple, I need to do it.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Upgrading from judgement to love

“God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17 NLT

I remember this one last year before i began blogging. I was amazed of how I got it backwards. I'm first to judge then think about saving. I'm tired this morning, but the coffee's good so I'm happy. It's memorial day weekend. We were supposed to be at the ranch this weekend but a video project that was supposed to be done isn't. I have to finish it today. I read and think, I'm reminded of history, and how when I'm making history, I'm actually thinking of the future. It's like with technology. I get a new laptop, I have to think that I'll replace it in a few years. Why would I think of that now? Because things to don't last that long anymore. God sent his son to replace judgement with love. We didn't like that, because it was change. The actual definition of "judge" is to form an opinion based on evidence and testing of premises. LOL, when I judge I don't even do it right. Because if I were to judge someone correctly according to definition, it would end up being based not on my thoughts about them but the facts of evidence. In the long run, its best left in God's hands, because he knows their pressure points way better than I do. I read and think. I remember when I got saved, and how i was excited to be saved and then I was able to recognize everyone else who weren't and judged them for their actions instead of loving them to Christ. Why? Christ wasn't afraid of people, he loved them. Why was I afraid of them? Judgement is my insecurity. If I was secure in Christ, He'd love them right through me. In technology if I claim that a piece of gear works fine, and it doesn't (unless I kick it or tape it up). If I'm not willing to think ahead of replacing it, when I get it, and of changing things eventually, I'm lost. I remember when I got my 3 rd camera, I thought I would have it forever. Then HD came out and I had to put it away and use it as back up. I had a really hard time facing the fact that I couldn't hold onto gear, that I would have to get rid of it. I would have to upgrade more often than expected. I developed a phrase "i hope it works as good as it looks". Hits me, Jesus was the upgrade that we didn't want to change over to. Many did but the main guys just wouldn't. Change is tough, especially when its so different and scary. Whats crazy is that I live in a world of bad changes. Upgrades that don't work or make things bad and eventually are fixed or never. Jesus was the only correct upgrade replacing judgement with grace. I just have to accept that and know that judgement is the old way and quit going there and keep to this new system of love and relationship instead of judgement and resentment.

Friday, May 25, 2012

I didn't kill my wife......I don't care - The Fugitive

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19 NLT

At first I'm thinking, oh this verse. Usually I am quick to speak and slow to listen. That's probably why James wrote it. Didn't sleep well, but I have a lot of work to do today on a video, actually today and tomorrow. Sip more coffee, I read and think. Dang I had to sip a lot of coffee. I'm reminded of the scene from the Fugitive when, Richard Kimble is a the edge of the tunnel about to jump. He turns around says " I didn't kill my wife" and Detective Gerard says, "I don't care". I can't count how many times I haven't listened to people. I'm just trying to strike conversation or get something done and they have something going on. Later when Kimble called the station and reminded Gerard of the conversation. Gerard replied "I'm not trying to solve a puzzle", Kimble then said "Well, I am trying to solve a puzzle, and I just found a big piece" and leaves the phone on the desk so they can trace the line. Gerard was just trying to find Kimble and get this done but Kimble needed someone to listen. I've listened to peoples stories many times and have even done documentary's on them. Stories are fascinating to me. Sometimes listening is all they need. Being a guy, I want to fix it. I catch myself alot. I find when they try to fix me, I try to tell them I've already done that.  Usually they don't give me that chance. So I end up listening wondering, when they're going to shut up. Kimble needed a friend and could tell from that conversation that Gerard would listen.  The so called criminal is sending a cop to a lead to his innocence. I read and think. Detective Gerard didn't get angry, he was doing his job. He told Kimble he didn't care, which invited Kimble to come back for help.  I have found when I really listen and hear the person out, I have to process everything later. I might get angry later but at least I'm slow to it. Hits me, sure this was a detective hunting down a fugitive. It wasn't a passer by that needed listening. Kimble wasn't running away, he was doing his own investigation and leading Gerard to discover his innocense, and Gerard followed right and a long, because really, he did care and didn't want anyone to know. But he still followed. How many times has it appeared that I'm running from God but really it's my way of seeking Him. My puzzle will never end, because His word stands forever where He leads me. People don't need to care but I'll show them where I am at and they can track if they want.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Delightfully Copyrighting

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Verses like these always make me think. Think about what they really mean. Slept ok, last night, no I didn't, I'm tired and have a busy day today. I'm working on a big project and learning about how to do it legally instead of just getting it done. Coffee's been good this morning but I'm still tired. I read and think, copyrighting comes to mind. It used to never be big deal, but our graphics lady yesterday put it in a great way for me. It's like going to the grocery store and not paying for anything but taking what you want. In the viral world, its hugely critical. I can't just go to google images and download something (even though I can).I can't just insert it into a powerpoint, pro presenter, photoshop, I need to ask permission. I need to acknowledge them and credit them. Sure these days, anything's possible, I can hack my way into something and download whatever I want. It doesn't make it right though. I can also go to the thousands of stock websites and find usually better photos an videos. I read and think, Affirmation wasn't a growing up instinct for me, its something I learned to acquire from watching others. I really had a hard time affirming people. When I was affirmed I loved it, but man it was hard to give it back in return. Giving credit to where credits due, humbling myself, admitting if I don't know something. Admitting if I did something wrong.  And for me, not taking things so personally at times. Sure its easy to credit someone for physically helping me out, but it's tough when you stole it from them online. They'll never find out, its all hidden. But is it? No, sure I might love a certain song, or love a movie clip, picture, etc. But somebody made that. It was there skill, time and energy that respectfully needs the honor for that. They are helping me communicate my message and they deserve the credit and when I honor them it'll be delightful because I'll know I had the right to do it at whatever the cost.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Lost and Found

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.” 1 Corinthians 1:10 NLT

Another living in harmony verse. Susan tells me, this subject is my theme, lol. Why? I don't know. Slept ok, last night, it was my brothers birthday and it was really nice to see him. When we both have families, we end up only seeing each other at those special occasions. I'm using my Lost Canyon mug this morning. It's a new mug, due to the old one that broke. I read and think. I'm reminded of the many church meetings I ran sound for back in the 90's. The little church I grew up in on Whitton Ave, was really messed up and we really didn't know it until the truth leaked out in the mid to late 90's. I was amazed of how many members who never came to church, showed up at the meetings, mainly old people (I didn't know they were still alive). It actually confused me (why do they care?).  The meetings confused me too. I'm also reminded of the Lost and found box. Probably because of my Lost Canyon mug. How many times have I been lost? When I was working in the hotels, I could tell when a guest was lost, and I would help them find their way. When I go to church, I couldn't really tell. I'm amazed of how lost I was back in those meeting days. How my priorities were just not there. Being an AV guy, I've been lost many times. I've lost count of how many marriages have broken, depression, pride, porn, anger, lust, adultery, idolatry, etc have happened to us operating in the booth. I've thought about developing a support group for us. We're under attack. I find I was living for God but dwelling on my insecurities not being secure. This prohibited me from being free. I read and think. I remember how during the meetings it appeared we were in competition with other church's on who was reaching out more. Later as I was listening to meetings on my grandpas reel to reel deck, I heard a meeting strictly on a concern of why they were losing kids in the Sunday School dept. I laughed. It was all about how we can grow. I keep on missing the first of half of this verse. Authority of our Lord Jesus Christ. Why don't I live in harmony with Him? I was just trying to find myself, not admitting I was lost. When I lose something in the condo, we eventually pray because only God knows where it is. He shows us where to find it. Hits me, no matter my calling, I have to admit I'm lost even if I've been saved by Grace. Forget the one time laying on of the hands to pray for the Holy Spirit to come in. I need that every day. I'll operate gear and make that service seamless so that every person can hear and see the message. But can I admit I'm lost and confused? Can I admit that I need to be found and only Jesus can find me? It's a tough battle. Only then will I be able to have harmony and love everyone and see them how He does. I didn't even know I was lost because I wasn't focused on the Him I was focused on me.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Church Look

“May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6NLT

one of these verses again. Why do these always get me thinking about all kinds of things. Slept good last night, God's been teaching me a lot about listening to Him and not fearing things. I have a big project I'm working on and He's teaching to relax. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Being a following of Christ is the most fascinating, confusing, frustrating, joyful, full of life thing I have ever done. I was never interviewed to be a christian, I was never qualified. I never filled out an application where it said, God is an equal opportunity employer. Anyone can follow Christ. That's where I get all messed up. I end up walking the malls, the streets, sometimes browsing, feeling unthreatened by anyone. I enter the doors of church, I put on what I call the "church look" and the concept is, make a joyful noise, I'm smiling. But am I? I say Hi, but am I? I sit down for 1 1/2 and sing, look around to see who's there, (why do I care?) I came for me, or did I? Didn't I come to learn more about God? I sing, and if its a good song I'll sing louder so people can hear my good voice (if im not running sound or video) I hear the sermon, which with my ADD i only hear 1/4 of. I'm thinking about other things throughout. I begin to judge others, that are getting everything out of it that I'm not. I watch people take notes, I think of how I could broadcast this sermon, of what things need to be done this week. Being a follower of Christ is so unusual, I deal with another's knowledge of scripture, how they apply it (that determines how good of a christian they are), and then their personality (whether I'll talk to them ever again or not and who they remind me of). I find myself empathizing with them (because its my nature) and then of course try to tell my life story in about 10 seconds. It ends there or not. I'm a crowd floater, I don't have my group of friends, I float around to make sure everyone's doing great (living in harmony) for an 1 1/2 hr.  The there's bible study time, where i feel competitive with my biblical knowledge, and have fear that I won't give the correct answer when the teacher asks a question (Jesus).  Then something happens, I leave with my family, and we try to see what we gained (what to do for lunch alone). I've wrong some people, I need to reconcile. I dealt with judgement of knowledge (are they theological smart or not?), career (are they smart with a degree), and personality (do I get along with this guy), and of course seeing who's there. And those people who show up that haven't in a long time, (woow, what happened? where have they been?) I read and think. I can't believe I just put "church" into this scripture. It's not there. I just replaced "patience and encouragement" with "organized religion". My marriage would be terrible if I spent 1 1/2 hr a week working on it. I've fallen into a trap of trying to fix others instead of seeking God and letting Him live in harmony through me. I just twisted scripture to fit for me. I didn't love a single person, I've been told to "stay connected" and join a small group. Go ahead fix me won't you. Here I go again. The more I focus on Christ's life in me, the "church look" will be gone, they'll see a follower of Christ instead, and experience patience and encouragement.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.” James 3:17-18 NLT

This one's interesting, Not sure what to make of it. But I can't pass it by. Slept well last night. Today I spend with Shayne since mommy has to work. We're more cleaning the place up than we will play. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Wisdom is crazy. It doesn't make sense at times. I ask for advice, and am I going to listen to it? Especially when I feel God is telling me to do something. I usually know, because I don't want to do it. I'm reminded of Sea Biscuit, a horse movie. Namely the owner, Charles Howard. How after he sales off his car lot and pursues horse racing during the great depression, he begins listening to people like he hadn't before. He chooses a horse trainer thats really too old and a horse that's too small and a jockey that's too big. Nothing matches. But all 4 of them were grieving for something and needed each other. I'm amazed of how God drops people in my life to show me His way. I'm also amazed of how long it takes me to discover why they were dropped in my life. Then I'm amazed of how I quickly get my expectations shattered because of what I think is going to happen. Therefore no expectations I think. There I go again, trying to control things. In this economy, my expectations have to be nothing, because I don't know what's in store. Charles picked his trainer out by just listening to the guy. They were both broken. Red Pollard was abandoned as a kid. Sea Biscuit was treated the same. All four of these guys needed each other. As they began to win races, the country who was going through the same thing was all the sudden given hope of recovery because of this odd team. It's like how some companies start up, or bands, or just people come together. It's these situations in life that throw me through hoops of revelation. Hits me. The definition of Sea Biscuit is a very hard unsalted biscuit or bread. I can fight my way out of problems because of how I think they should be solved. When God lines me up with his word and with other people to show me how pure he is and how odd I am, I find that He's prepped me all this time to listen to His wisdom. Just like all 4 of the men had suffered loss, the country needed that inspiration when they began winning together. Sometimes I'm a very hard unsalted biscuit and with His wisdom being so pure, I'm just ripe for wisdom, as long as I listen.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Blogging with Apples

“For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do.” Hebrews 6:10 NLT

This is interesting. Attending church pretty much all my life, I understand this, yet I kind of don't. Slept ok last night, my mind was able and I love that. Sip more coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of Johnny Appleseed, (John Chapman his real name) and how he planted apples tree's mainly in the Ohio, Indiana, and Illinios in the 1800's.  He was also a missionary to the new church a Swedenborgian church. According to Wikipedia, he was always joyful in his work. He would sing and preach, you never saw him without his bible. I wonder if he got discouraged ever. It seems he just kept going. I don't get discouraged very easily in my line of work. However I get nervous when I send a rough cut of a video to the client, just hoping they like it. Or when I'm in production, and my mind just can't focus, or I just can't figure it out. I remember telling guys in Audio Visual that if they got saved, they would see this field of work in a whole new way. I sure did. I read and think, when I was first getting into sound and video in church, I was accused of hiding behind that board. I really felt hurt from that. Sure I was physically behind some gear but was I hiding from everyone? the more I think about that, the more it makes sense. I had a vision when I was in high school about the need of promoting the gospel everywhere, mainly church's and missionaries, everything pretty much. It's all going visual, I could see it and I was just drawn to cameras, movies, editing, and tv's. Was I hiding though? It did disengage me from socializing with people (i was behind the camera intending to capture the socializing). Being in the booth disengaged me from focusing on the worship for myself (you can't enjoy worship when you're back there, you mixing so everyone else can, yet you feel joy throughout it). I read and think, again. Sip some more coffee, I've lost count of the church services, retreats, videos, I've made. The research I've done, advice I've asked, advice I've given. The bitterness I've had, anger, the people I wish would just disappear and quit discouraging my efforts. Hits me, Johnny Appleseed kept moving, he had a practical vision and passion to simply plant gardens on the frontier, it was a need. He enjoyed it but it was the people he met along the way that remembered him through that little apple and the gospel he preached. God instilled that love for planting trees so he could meet people. God gave me a passion for audio visual to spread the gospel in this technological age and to those who haven't met Him and to those who have. God's ways aren't my ways, it frustrates me at times, yet I'm thankful for it. Am I hiding behind this stuff? no, But I can't let the vision and passion exhaust me, I have to balance it out, there's time a place for it. Because that's when I get discouraged, and when I need to listen to His spirit for direction. He used and apple, music, video, and a these days, a blog to communicate His message to those who need here it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

You can have any orphan in the orphanage...except Annie - Miss Hannigan

“For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”” Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

Sip some coffee, I read and think . This one I've read many times in the past 10 years due a quiet time study I was doing with my mentor (he also married my wife and I). This was one of the many verses I read on a daily basis. We had date night last night at z-greeke it was really nice. Shayne woke up this morning at 3 am wanting cereal only then to fall asleep on me. So I've been up for a while. Sip some more coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of "Annie" the movie. Namely the scene where she goes to Daddy Warbucks house for the first time. It was nuts, they ask her what she wanted to do first and her reaction was cleaning and serving. They stopped her and told her that she didn't have lift a finger. How many times do I do things out of habit. I forget God is living among me, I forget He's a might savior. I forget he delights in me. I forget He calms all my fears. I forget He rejoices over me with joyful songs. Or I just don't care. But why? Annie was left by her parents during the great depression on a door step and was nothing but encouraging to the other girls. Her attitude was "the sun'll come out tomorrow, you gotta hang on till tomorrow, they'll be sun." She had all the reason in the world to be depressed and upset about being abandoned but she kept positive. The story line was evidently not set in Arizona because then her song would have been about rain and clouds. Thats besides the point. God was watching over her the whole time, and Grace knew she was the girl they wanted. Yet Miss Hannigan said "you can have any orphan in this orphanage except Annie". How many times have let things hold me back from accepting God's love and value and just not believing it. I've actually identified myself as a camera operator and not a child of God or as a video guy. Its amazing of how trapped I can get without knowing it. Miss Hannigan saw Annie's worth and just didn't want to lose her. Hits me, I can live my life based one anything but how God sees me or can take this example and keep believing in the son even when it seems God's forgotten me or more I've forgotten on him or just didn't care. The more I believe and accept His love (instead of all the Miss Hannigans I face), when the time comes, ya I might ask to help clean up a mansion (or whatever it might be) and that's when they'll say, no its yours, you've earned it, enjoy the blessing (whatever it may be). The son's been out and has been shining through you all this time and now it's time to enjoy Him.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Truman Show

“Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5 NLT

I'm always fascinated by these type of verses. I really like analogies. Yet how I don't believe it. I find myself thinking its "a good verse". I slept ok last night, sore back today. I go in for some more check ups today, to confirm the pain i'm feeling on my right side is muscle stuff and nothing else. Coffee's good this morning, I read and think. I'm reminded of the Truman Show. How the idea of creating a world around a baby that would be perfect and harmless and show the tv watching world every step he made. I mean they literally created a world for this boy to live in, all the way up to the sun rising and setting and storms. The only thing they couldn't do was change where this guys mind went to. He was adventurous and smart and slowly began to pick up on things that just didn't make sense. How many times have I thought I could control God or let alone be ahead of Him. Thinking He was no different than a college professor who I would only see until graduation and then I would be on my own. When Truman was in his 30's, the director of the show had to continue to figure out how to keep him from wanted to get out of this simulated world he designed for him. He made life situations happen for him where he was scared of the water and then changed his romance interests so that his wife wouldn't want to leave town. Truman wanted to be set free. I also reminded of the church I was raised in. How unless your career choice was considered successful, you almost were frowned upon and put into the "smile" group and not the "lets talk" group. I read and think, I can understand why our pastors wanted to protect us and prepare us for the outside world. Hey its a mess out there. Yet they were trying to be God (without knowing it), which you can't do. Hits me, I feel like Truman at times, in a tv show (held captive) within my own thoughts, having to act a certain way to just get things done, when God's knocking on my heart with His freedom, to show me how he can do all things. I'm not supposed to figure God out, I'm supposed to let Him live in me so He can do all things. I'm not supposed to put a show on, I'm supposed to let Him live as He wants.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

That's what she said - Michael Scott

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:” Proverbs 31:10, 27-28 NLT

This one I always wondered about growing up. I mean when you're a guy and need to think about getting a wife or at least finding one, it's something I kept my eyes open for but gave up a lot. Didn't sleep well but whatever. Mommy has to work these next two saturdays, so I get to spend time with Shayne. Sip some coffee, I read and think. This verse forgot to add after household the word "other full time job". I'm reminded of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers when Adam Pontipee sings "bless your beautiful hide wherever you may be". That's all it was back then, looking for labor help pretty much. So many tv shows have depicted what a wife and mother should do. My problem growing up was patience. I wanted the girl to like me in about 20 mins, because I did. Usually she was gone in 20. It's almost as though Solomon is saying that every womens love language is affirmation. I'm also reminded of the line that Michael Scott uses "that's what she said". A line that is disrespecting a woman, but in this case learning to respect her. How many times has my wife told me I wasn't listening? Our languages don't understand each other. She reminds me of things and is very nice to not insult me when I wasn't listening. I really have to validate her a lot because since we've been married we haven't lived in a place that we could call our home permanently. Women have always had a different insight than us guys. Sure, we have our logic and so do they, but they have a different perspective, and I would rather just escape instead of listen to her. Adam Pontipee left real quick when Milly insulted him.  I read and think, oh how I frustrate my wife at times. Yet she won't insult me. I tell her to. I can handle it, its how I was raised, tell me everything thats wrong with me, and how I'm failing. She was raised with a thing called "etiquette". She thinks before she speaks, I think after. Hits me, sure I can set my ideals on the Brady Bunch, Leave it to Beaver, the Sound of Music, Little House on the Prairie, etc. I never saw the need to look for a wife, I knew my instinct would find her. and I did. With two full time working parents managing a household, praise just isn't enough for a husband to do. I can almost see the husband saying "thanks honey" as he's watching tv. I need to listen to her and hear her out, remember what she saying is huge. I need to value everything, even when I think I am, I'm not enough. Like my relationship with God, if I'm not talking with Him on a daily basis, there will be no praise out of my mouth but profanity, and then that house will suffer because she won't feel valued and the kids won't bless her because I'm not praising her and thats what most important to her, is my walk with Him, because thats what she said. And i need to listen. no job can be too important, appointments can be rescheduled. God always provides when you need to listen to your wife. Happy wife, Happy life.

Friday, May 11, 2012

I've tried to live my life without breaking a single rule - Les Miserable

“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”Ephesians 4:32 NLT

At first I'm thinking, I need to ask forgiveness from people. How many times have I been nice to my wife and child. Just not kind. Slept ok last night, my cat kept scratching something in the room to get my attention and I woke up a littler earlier than usual. So I am sipping some coffee this morning as I read and think. Now my cat won't let me type on this thing, he's all over the power cord. I'm reminded of my business partners dad, who told me there's a difference between being kind to people and being nice to people. I considered it the same thing until I looked it up just a minute ago. Kindness is exactly this verse says it is: tenderhearted, forgiving, etc. Niceness is more dry: fine, good, pretty, pleasant, more on the surface. I never realized that. I really considered them to be the same thing. I can only think of how kind my wife is to people, animals, and God. She has the most tender heart with them. I find myself kind as well and have the problem mixing the niceness with kindness. Try being kind to a jerk. You'll get shattered then I end up creating myself a backbone to stand up to the jerks who apparently can't stand kind people because they put there heart out for all to see. To a girl its called a bully to a guy its called a jerk. Then why are people jerks? I read and think. Forgiveness vs. kindness. They almost don't mix. But one needs the other. I'm also amazed of how jerked around I've been and when a jerk comes to apologize with a tenderheart, I don't accept it, because I can play that game too. Why is forgiveness so hard? I'm reminded of Les Miserables when Jean Valjean is caught stealing bread and the Bishop. The Bishop give's him his fine silverware as well. That act of kindness made Jean's fight for vengeance end. And he sought to be kind to everyone after that. It's such a chemical imbalance I feel. Turning anger into love. Kindness is such a damper on anger. In the movie Annie, when she visits Daddy Warbucks mansion for the first time. It was such a contrast. Then in Les Miserable, Javert says "i've tried to live my life without breaking a single rule" then he takes the shackles off of Valjean and puts them on himself and says "you're free". Jean Valjeans kindness and God fearing heart killed the law. I'm not focusing enough on Christ and his forgiveness.  I keep on going with my nature and logic and experience to determine whether forgiveness is an option or not. Hits me, sure I can go on in my life and resent and those people who have been jerks and bully's or I can strive to keep my attention on Christ and his forgiveness. In that way, kindness will be natural. Boy thats hard. Especially when I just don't know. But He says forgiveness will make kindness natural because it will be Christ living in me and there won't be any rules after that.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

My Name is Earl

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” Matthew 18:15 NLT

At first I'm thinking, i haven't done this enough. And it says privately too. This is a toughy, usually I'm pretty good if its really bugging me or I just never say a word don't talk again. I'm tired this morning, not a good night of sleep. Usually it's me sinning against another believer and not the other way around. Sip more coffee, I read and think. I think the reason I don't do this alot if I feel wronged by someone is that it makes me look more holy than thou when I do it. When I left the church I was raised in, I was determined not to ever judge another person wherever I went regardless of what happened. I wanted to be respectful and to change my outgoing ways. I had very little table matters or conversation etiquite. I'm reminded of The count of monte cristo and the wrong done there, then of Milton in Office Space, Aniken Skywalker in Star wars and the emporer. None of which they actually confronted the people that wronged them, they sought vengance. I find it difficult to decide to talk to someone who has wronged me. I just want to leave it alone and vent to my close friends about them. it's this pain thing that I can't but hold against them. I even look at my old church and see how much wrong there is there. Then I look at where they came from and they have reason for raising me like that. I can't blame them. I think of all the people who wronged Jesus, how I have wronged Him. I'm amazed of how I can hold onto anger  for so long. How it can overwhelm me. I just consider it a lesson learned of what to be prepared for. Yet if were to simply try to meet with that person I wronged or wronged me in private, I might possibly win that person back. I also think of The Fugitive and Ethan from Mission Impossible. Both people were framed. Then there's Andy dufrein from ShawShank Redemption. He really didn't get a case. He didn't murder his wife, and when he spoke to the Ward, and confronted him on what he was doing expecting him to be sincere, he got in more trouble. Then there's, My name is Earl. A tv show about a guy who wants to make every wrong he did, right. It was a hit funny show, but the idea was good. I know the feeling I get on my way to make something right (scared and nervous), then the feeling I get later (victory and freedom). Hits me, I don't listen enough, actually I end up interrupting them before there done. Usually I had a reason for what I did and am not sorry. But I apologize just to get them to leave and because I want to be right with them, even though later I'm even more upset. But why? Why do I hold onto things that like that? They won't win me back. God's always working on me, even in my confusion. He wants to remind me that it is possible to live in peace with other believers, even if they have wronged me or I them. The situation might be huge but He's still bigger. I'm amazed of the mountain I can put up between myself and other believers. The more I choose to put Jesus first and not last, the easier it will be to have peace with those I have wronged. I can go with karma but I'm a believer in God not a buddhist. Earl made it his mission to make everything right and that meant a lot of sacrifice. Am I willing to Sacrifice? God was, why can't I? My flesh will battle me like crazy and counsel from friends will be mandatory but in the long run it will be that risk I take and peace of mind with whatever the outcome is.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.” Romans 8:1-2 NLT

And what's this one all about? This always confused me. Listening, believing, accepting, what is Christ all about? It's like the fork in the road but maybe not for me, maybe for someone else. It's like taking a nap and someone waking me up. It's superman, the matrix, and the force. Sip some coffee, I read and think. My biggest challenge is accepting the fact that I belong to Christ Jesus and not to anyone or anything else. It's this hidden thing I don't and didn't realize. Every where else I eventually feel condemned. It's this search I get into of my past, that brings me up to belonging to Christ. I'm reminded of the matrix. I'm reminded of footloose (the original, not the new one, it sucked), a movie I watched on the way up to a mens retreat weekend this past weekend (more listened to it). It smacked me over the head though. Of how this town logically decided to ban all kind of music, dancing, drug, curfew, etc from his kids due to a car accident that killed 5 of them. Makes sense, illuminate all activities. That didn't stop the kids, they found ways to do it anyway. When Ren came to town with his free spirit, everyone considered him rebellious. He just didn't understand. He was free in his mind but they had his feet tide up. How many times have I had my feet tied up? Due to my own stupid decisions, when Christ really had freed them to walk in his spirit. This town just wouldn't let up. The pastors daughter had gone haywire due to how hypocritical and fake the church was. She was finally honest with her dad about her lifestyle in church and instead of being loving, he replied "don't use that kind of language in here'. It was evident the kind of bondage they were in. The one kid they all resented, was the answer to there hurt and anger. I hate humility and listening to the spirit. Yet when I do, and finally give in, I'm amazed of how stuck I was. Ren had to open the scriptures up to remind the town of what dancing was all about. It was ok to celebrate life. Do I want to belong to death because of the power of past actions of sin? Of course not, I sure live like it at times. Hits me, my feet are tied together in more ways than one, and Christ has already loosened them with the power of his life giving spirit. He wants me to dance with him to walk with Him. I can listen to the lies everyday of my dumb decisions and have my feet tied together and waste my energy by hopping everywhere or I can keep my eyes on christ and learn the way the spirit wants me to move with my footloose.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Never Stop Praying

“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NLT

Sorry about the text background color (I hit a key accidentally and now I can't change it back). I've been waiting for this one to come along. I have a shirt that I got many years ago, with the phrase "never stop praying". I was at another mens weekend this weekend. Really made me evaluate my life. The tricky part was, I was shooting it and producing a highlights by Sunday. So I was working. I felt very spiritually weak the whole weekend, like how am I going to put a video together in my condition, I did though. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Prayer has always been a conviction to me and at times a fix it type of thing. I remember suggesting it to my 5th grade teacher because her dad was sick. Doing that in a public school environment won't get you many friends. Or I'd listen to someone's situation and say I'll pray for you. It's the only way I could help. Then when it came to my struggles, I found I prayed but not in believing. Praying and being joyful are two opposite combinations to me. How many times have I prayed in doubt? I pray in faith when I see a car accident. I pray when I see someone's status on facebook. That's a great prayer request tool actually. It's God's will for me to be joyful, pray, and be thankful? That's how He wants me to be? Are you sure? Because when I'm praying, I talk to God like He's my friend. I don't use heavy words, even my stressful and excitement pacing he knows. Why is it so hard for me to pray in public? or alone with someone? I find that I struggle with being too godly and using spiritual words. I just want to talk to God. Is there a language I need to use? I remember back in the day of church and kneeling for 30 mins while someone would pray. Was it the length of time? Why can't I pray with my hands folded on the table at a restaurant". Then there's the two or more are gathered verse. Billy Strachan at Bible school said "God understands, Help. What about after people have prayed for me, and I'm still struggling? I'm good for a little bit but fall back in to my problems. Hits me, since this life is all about God and the fact I belong to Him, he wants me to be thankful in all circumstances regardless of what they are, thankful that I can pour my heart out to him in them, and in that way, I'll be joyful because I belong to Him and not to my problems.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Marriage, Coffee, and a mug

“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 NLT

At first I wasn't sure if I had already read this one. This is one of those I learned in High School or maybe younger. the humble yourself and pray verse. My mom gave us a date night last night and we had trouble finding one our favorite places that was now closed or finding one that wasn't full. We finally found one and settled in. Meanwhile Shayne was enjoying the irrigation with cousin Kyle at grandmas. Sip some coffee, I read and think. The only thing that stands out to me is humility. Humility was always tough for me growing up. Admitting if I didn't know something or did something wrong or just praying. Why do I need to humble myself to pray? How are these two even related? Prayer shouldn't be even an issue. Is it because I know I'm wicked and by seeking God's face I'll show him the stuff I'm embarrassed of? I'm reminded of marriage, coffee, and a mug. Marital bliss is something that I find myself fighting for these days, working on, striving for. There are books about it, movies, counselors, etc. Coffee is the joining of the two in conversation. The mug is what allows you to sip and listen to the other. Sip some coffee, I find myself preparing coffee in the morning for both my wife and I, so that we can talk later and focus. I'm God's bride, working on my relationship in a blog as I read and think. He show's me as the coffee is sipped how he wants to humble me to pray. Just as I work on my marriage with my wife, God is working on my relationship with Him. It's really interesting. It's like the first time I really started taking responsibility and doing what I said I was going to do. Sure I can have a great time with God but what's happening after that? Sure I can have a great conversation with my wife, but am I forgetting the things I promised I would get done that day? or things that I said that hurt her, that I would never say again for the rest of my life? I can pray all I want to to God and communicate with Him throughout the day, but am I checking in on my wife too, to tell her I'm thinking about her? Hey I'm busy. Hits me, just as prayer requires humility, God is pulling me to Him with coffee and a mug in the early hours of the morning. He's refining my marriage with Him and my wife and daughter. Yes, I'm vulnerable in this blog, I don't say "we" ever simply because I'm not talking about anybody but me. If God's going to restore my land and my family to Him, for now He'll provided a cupboard full of coffee and mugs, and remind me in his own way to protect and preserve my marriage with Him and my wife.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Kindergarten Cop

“Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” Romans 12:12 NLT

At first I'm thinking, this is a real verse. It's almost validating. I'm tired again this morning, Shayne woke up wanting her pasi and it took forever to figure out she wanted her pasifier (she hasn't used one of those in a year). She finally said "we need to get some more". She finally got back to sleep and I guess we experienced her first dream about her pasi. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm honestly reminded of Kindergarten Cop with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Detective John Kimble and his partner Phoebe O'hara are given the task of capturing a drug dealer. This leads them to a kindergarten class where the supposedly the drug dealers kid is. The plan is for Phoebe to sub in as the teacher and have john be on stake out to catch this guy. Well, Phoebe gets sick the first day of class and John has no choice but to go in her place. Phoebe ends up being sick for the duration of the investigation leaving John with this class where he teaches them discipline and learns a whole new element of life from the eyes of a kindergartener.  I don't like these times in my life, when I have a confident hope that is challenged. When my plans are kind of God's plans. Patient? in trouble? I don't have much problems with this at times, all depending on what it is of course. I don't think I can pray enough either. The prayers begin turning into stress paces. I'm amazed of how God builds my confidents in Him through the teachings of patience and prayer and what's cool, He doesn't care of what attitude I have in the moment. Hits me, John really was thrown into a tough situation, all he knew was law enforcement and protecting people. When he got a headache and one of the kids suggested that it could be a tumor, it's just what he needed. That contrast of adult focus and child innocence. Hits me, how many times have I had things I thought were tumors in my life, that I thought there was no way out? Many. Here's this cop who had responsibility but had to change gears and go back to kindergarten. I need to learn patience, because I have a hope but I need to learn to rejoice and I can't fake that. God's put me into the weirdest and toughest situations to show me and prove to me I need Him and sometimes it'll mean doing things that I think are insane but will show me how much He loves me and I'll find myself rejoicing in His confident hope.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

For-e-ver! For-e-ver! For-e-ver! - Squints

“And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.” 1 John 5:14-15 NLT

Oh yes this one. The that almost makes me laugh. The one that I so easily never agree with. I'm tired this morning. Yesterday was filled with getting videos out, setting up meetings, meeting with people, project managing, picking up my truck, and then going back to the studio to finish a video (well, work). I can say that I'm tired but nothing compared to how I used to be at my old job. My new coffee maker is faithful this morning and we are both enjoying opening the word up. Sip some coffee, I read and think. How many times did I ask the wrong people for help? When I was younger. I find myself to really think through things before I make a decision. I want to research, I want to read reviews, ask around. I may be a nice guy, that people will think, "nathan's cool, he'll join in on this". Think again. I find if I don't believe in something, you will know. If I didn't like a girl, she knew. If I liked a girl, she knew and so did everyone else. I read and think, I find it tough to ask God for things, due to my being selfish and due to what he may have in mind. I'm reminded of the Sandlot when the boys are doing whatever they can to get that baseball back almost risking there lives. Then they end up knocking on the door and Mr. Mertle simply says "why didn't you just ask, I would have gotten it for ya". It's like all the years of horror stories about this man come to an end. They ended up playing with the dog and getting all there baseballs back. Hits me, God wants me to ask him for what I want in fear or not in fear. It's not about me being selfish or making sure I'm suitable and healthy enough to ask, He just wants me to ask, whether I think it pleases him or not. He wants me to be honest and not put on a show. I need to remove this false image of God out of my head that I'm tempted to believe and approach him with fear or no fear and just ask (usually later) but just ask. Just as Squints said For-e-ver, instead of feeling trapped, I'll feel free For-e-ver in a different way.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Where we're going, we don't need roads - Doc Brown

“And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.”Hebrews 11:6 NLT

I've always appreciated this one, I guess it just made sense. I always understood it as, God loves it when you trust Him. I don't have many issues with this. Maybe because I'm so optimistic, well in most areas. I slept ok last night, not the best. My truck is getting fixed today. It's been about 3 years since I last took it in. Everything I suspected is wrong with it, is. It won't cost too much, but now that I'll be traveling more, I need it to work. I have over 200,000 miles on it. It's a Nissan Frontier 98. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I can't but think of Back to the future, when Doc Brown says "where were going we don't need roads". It's that vision that Doc had even he was weird to see things that we just couldn't, especially the future. I get scared of things of the future, the unknown, stepping out in faith. It all depends on what it is, and how much control I have and how prepared I am. The fact that God loves it when I trust Him almost still doesn't make it easier. I believe that God exists sure. Seeking God is tough, because i find I seek him with stress. Then at moments no, I seek Him in peace. Then I consider myself doing good, lol. When Doc came back from the future, he was a different person. He was dressed differently, the time machine no longer used gas but fusion, he had to redesign it for a new and different atmosphere. He wasn't afraid of it either. In my life, am I ready for change, wherever God leads my family? sometimes? its stressful making that step. What if I'm reading God wrong? Show me a sign God? Give me direction, I pray. With God there are no roads, there is no concept of time, Its all about Him. Hits me, Doc didn't care of what people thought, He knew what He knew and kept at it. In the same way when I feel I have what I want, God is going to twist it and show me what He wants me to have with it. If I see no potential, He'll show me. As soon as I put my eyes on Him and see it through His eyes, He'll show me He can do anything and reward me for seeking Him sincerely. His ways aren't my ways, road or no road.