The Church Look

“May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6NLT

one of these verses again. Why do these always get me thinking about all kinds of things. Slept good last night, God's been teaching me a lot about listening to Him and not fearing things. I have a big project I'm working on and He's teaching to relax. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Being a following of Christ is the most fascinating, confusing, frustrating, joyful, full of life thing I have ever done. I was never interviewed to be a christian, I was never qualified. I never filled out an application where it said, God is an equal opportunity employer. Anyone can follow Christ. That's where I get all messed up. I end up walking the malls, the streets, sometimes browsing, feeling unthreatened by anyone. I enter the doors of church, I put on what I call the "church look" and the concept is, make a joyful noise, I'm smiling. But am I? I say Hi, but am I? I sit down for 1 1/2 and sing, look around to see who's there, (why do I care?) I came for me, or did I? Didn't I come to learn more about God? I sing, and if its a good song I'll sing louder so people can hear my good voice (if im not running sound or video) I hear the sermon, which with my ADD i only hear 1/4 of. I'm thinking about other things throughout. I begin to judge others, that are getting everything out of it that I'm not. I watch people take notes, I think of how I could broadcast this sermon, of what things need to be done this week. Being a follower of Christ is so unusual, I deal with another's knowledge of scripture, how they apply it (that determines how good of a christian they are), and then their personality (whether I'll talk to them ever again or not and who they remind me of). I find myself empathizing with them (because its my nature) and then of course try to tell my life story in about 10 seconds. It ends there or not. I'm a crowd floater, I don't have my group of friends, I float around to make sure everyone's doing great (living in harmony) for an 1 1/2 hr.  The there's bible study time, where i feel competitive with my biblical knowledge, and have fear that I won't give the correct answer when the teacher asks a question (Jesus).  Then something happens, I leave with my family, and we try to see what we gained (what to do for lunch alone). I've wrong some people, I need to reconcile. I dealt with judgement of knowledge (are they theological smart or not?), career (are they smart with a degree), and personality (do I get along with this guy), and of course seeing who's there. And those people who show up that haven't in a long time, (woow, what happened? where have they been?) I read and think. I can't believe I just put "church" into this scripture. It's not there. I just replaced "patience and encouragement" with "organized religion". My marriage would be terrible if I spent 1 1/2 hr a week working on it. I've fallen into a trap of trying to fix others instead of seeking God and letting Him live in harmony through me. I just twisted scripture to fit for me. I didn't love a single person, I've been told to "stay connected" and join a small group. Go ahead fix me won't you. Here I go again. The more I focus on Christ's life in me, the "church look" will be gone, they'll see a follower of Christ instead, and experience patience and encouragement.