Serving feeling Stupid

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

1 Corinthians 15:58 NLT

The first thing that come's to mind is the passion God gives me for things. That zeal to run faster to work harder and hopefully work smarter. I've been at starbucks these days at about 1 pm, to focus on anything I have to do online, except upload videos. sip some eggnog latte,  I read and think. This hits home a little bit. I have done a lot of stuff for God and sometime's I felt it was useless. It's like I don't here feedback about a video or something else. I feel its a failure. Do I have failure issues? yes.

I've been watching Christmas vacation recently, and the movie hits me a different way every time. It's like here's Clark Grizwald, he won't give up on have a great family christmas, you couldn't keep him from having the christmas spirit. It's also like elf, you just couldn't take his joy away. It's crazy of how many things in my life, I really value. I can't but recall that camp scene again. Where I noticed some of my friends totally on a super spiritual high. I thought maybe I can get there if I act like them? What can be done for God? What is doing things for God? I think its when I don't want to do the right thing and I do it anyway.That sometimes means for me  that I break my leg for a friend. I practically give them my life. Elf knew how to welcome Santa.. Clark knew what it would take to have a great christmas. They both shared enthusiasm and that it would be worth it. I've lost count of the many videos I've done that either people forgot about or lost interest in. I totally lost money on them but I made them because I knew what I needed to do. It's the time after everythings done that i find myself depressed. I find myself doubting that anyone liked it. Did it work? Did the message help? Even doing these blogs, I find that I do it for myself more than anything and if they help someone else, awesome. I feel like the oddball alot, the weird one, the different one. It's like this vibe that I give to people when I'm thinking video. I don't understand how they can't share my excitement. But where do I get my excitement. It's like a cook thinking about what they could make for a feast. Like a contractor who envisions what he could build. It's like a photographer who can see the shot. A movie director who can see the story on the screen. I can't be ashamed over who I am. Whats to be embarrassed about. Then the temptation comes that I can only serve God in church or outside the country. That I can only be a teacher, preacher, greeter, usher, worship team, sound booth, etc. If none of those, then what? I always saw myself preaching but knew it wouldn't happen. I give people the wrong vibe. It's easy to get depressed about it and not feel needed or wanted. Especially when I have an idea that I believe is from God and it gets shattered. Or it has to be approved first, Unless I know someone on the inside. Some thoughts I need to keep to myself I guess. With me being so black and white, I just don't mention anything anymore. But what does God really mean? I find myself fighting patience and understanding in the knowledge of Him. I'm too impulsive.

Hits me. God will knock on my heart about anything, regardless of what it is, I need to be enthusiast about it. I have energy anyway and thats the challenge. If I don't feel like it I won't move. And when I'm serving him and obeying, even when I feel depressed and upset about it, I know its not useless (especially when it seems so little dinky). That's really hard too because sometimes I think things are just a lost cause. My ideas of service are not His, His ways aren't mine and I need to accept that. Elf knew it and so did Clark. Even if it's weird and doesn't make sense, just like Elf said "I just like meeting other humans that share my afinitie for elf culture". or something like that.