I have to drink some coffee, before I get into this one. These days, I find myself really trusting in God and battling Him. Now that I'm on my own again, surprisedly. All Susan and I want to do is listen to His spirit. That is very challenging and tough at times. Sip some coffee, I read and think. As a christian I view this and say "oh, she doens't understand that God did that for a reason. " As an unsaved person, it would be more anger and disbelief or things just happen. It's this line again, that I see that keeps people and myself from believing God.
Why does God do this? It's that one reason I don't like going to Walmart, it's that one reason I want unfriend certain people on facebook, its that one reason why I hate my life at times. It's that one reason why I keep going to starbucks and not dunkin donuts. It's those reason's I prefer certain restaurants over others. I prefer Target over Fry's. It's that same reason why family's have problems. Why people lose their jobs, they end their marriages. The same reason why I've done so terribly in business all these years. It's the same reason why I have scars. The same reason why the phrase "same sh$t, different day" exists. It's the same reason I resort to have no expectations of things. It's the same reason I have no college degree. It's the same reason people I know say I need to be "corralled". It's the same reason I fight bitterness, live in my past, fight anger, wish I was someone else. It's the same reason people don't attend church, can't stand it. It's the Why question?
Why are God's reason way different at times, than what I thought they would be. I've learned one thing when entering a set, never have expectations of what I think its going to be. I look at this verse and can say, that Martha told Jesus exactly what He wanted to hear. He wanted to know how she really felt. I don't talk to God like this hardly ever. Yesterday I lost it with him, I finally just told him what I thought. God wants to hear this stuff from me. It's not my nature to share my true feelings with him. It's my nature to share respectively what I think I need to share and hold my actually feeling of insecurity back. It's like "you never yell at dad". I've learned recently that I have been operating my video thing as a hobby for over 20 years and calling it a company. No wonder thing's weren't making sense. That's like believing in God and calling yourself a christian. It's shopping at Target so much that you call yourself an employee. It's like watching a movie so much, I think I own the rights to it. It's like being in love with the idea of a girl and never talking to her. Hits me. I'm going to be in pain in situations, my family will go through hard times, and we'll let God know how we feel. We'll have sleepless nights and be drained for weeks. God wants to know how we feel about what He's doing or not doing. He wants to hear thankfulness and bitterness, He doesn't want anything held back. It's why, the WHY!!!, the why, the why, why, why, ?
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