The Freedom to Betray God

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me."

—1 Corinthians 11:23-24

 

As I wait for the coffee to brew this morning, I read this one. This is a big one for everyone. This is the double hanger, the line is again drawn. Who and what am I living for? What is the point of life? why do I do what I do? What has caused me to think the way I think? To react the way I react? It's like in the Goonies when they get to the basement and Mikey says "it all starts here". It's the upgrade I'm afraid to get because I'm afraid of what could happen. Or I just don't understand it. It's the moment in church when the communion is passed and i just don't know where I'm at with God. I haven't thought about communion. coffee's ready. 

 

It's like when the client finally walks into the room when the set is going on for a while, everyone kind of stands still, to see if things are the way they should be. When someone opens a paper bible out in public, or they pray at a restaurant, people glance. It's the line in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade "my souls prepared, how's yours?" After all is said and done, what is this life for?

 

I can't but think of the hundreds of communions I have participated in, and I considered myself confident and humble. I read and think, How many times have  I betrayed God? Too many. He took bread on the night he was betrayed. It's like on date night, we're having a great time, and I just happen to share a few misc thoughts and ruin the whole rest of the evening.  Who is God anyway? and why do I need Him? Why does it seem that I fight this dual with Him? Do I think I can win? I can't but think of Satan and how he likes to attack me. He likes to kill my identity. I can't but think of what Christ did while he was here. Now he wants me to remember Him? I do all the time. But it's not that. It's this constant void that I have, that I seek pleasure in. It's so hidden in so many different ways that its easy to get confused. It's my free will view of everything. It's the questions I have about life and death and how my family will be. It's what do I feel like doing  at the moment, I want to watch a movie, or I want to go outside or I'm awake and need to get out of bed, its the todo's, its the frustrations, the questions, the anger, the hunger. It's this pleasure, this honesty, these hidden fears and insecurities of whatever, that form my heart and that make me who I am.  As soon as I run into God, Will I betray him again? Why is it, that only when I need Him, I pray? Nature of Habit? Is that why, I need Him? He can only fill that void and I can't stand that at times.

I read and think, hits me. I'm going to misjudge people and God. That's why he was betrayed. That's why he was denied, and that's why He came as a baby and not as a grown man. I think often of what Christ did when He was physically here, now he wants to use me physically everyday however he pleases, and he will and he has. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in or what's on my mind, he knows. I can't trick Him. He wants to live in me, that's it. Symbolically i eat the bread and drink the wine or in my language I obey Him when He tells me to act on something or to just trust Him.