Battle for Joy

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalm 16:11 NLT

At first I'm thinking, I've read this before. But what is it. These days, I find I'm afraid to live this kind of life. The joy of His presence, that all sounds good. Why do i have a hard time with it?

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I learn on my own time. Not on everyones elses. They can show me, but I will take it my own way. Sometimes, I do exactly as they say. That's why I don't care about my competition, because there different than me. Its crazy how Christ will show me the way of life in His own way, but I refuse it. It grants me joy and pleasure and all that stuff. I know what freedom is, but  I don't want it at times. Why not? My struggle is self condemnation. This helps me to carry on, when I get depressed, I don't stop, I keep charging.

I'm not one to goal set, so i need to be, I'm not one to plan, so I need to be. This is not my nature but it needs to be. I have to pray this.