Forgiveness Sucks

 

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32 (NLT) 

 

 

Instead? Is that because I'm not going to be kind, tenderhearted, or forgive people. This one is tough. Im so angry inside, for people being so mean and knowing it. I read and think. This makes me scratch my head and rack my brain. It just sucks, because I'm too kind and tenderhearted, but I have severe forgiveness issues. Once you hurt me, your done. Make them pay, make them suffer. Why when I am kind do people look for ways to use me, take advantage of me, poke at me, push me. Look at what we did to Christ, he did all that and we crucified him. Yet that was part of the plan. Why is hardship always part of the plan? Sometime's I just can't believe we went through with the divorce. I feel at times, we were so busy that we just treated it like another thing to get done. I was so lost. I was in a survival mode of my life. I was sexting several women on a daily basis. I was pushing in my therapy too. Susan had always deserved better than me. I was way too much for her. My poor kids, they witnessed soo many arguments that they just didn't understand.  My youngest will still say to us that she loves both of us.  Life is just tough. I'll never marry again.  I'm not even thinking of movies anymore. I can't commit to anyone woman. I can't even commit to God. 

Lets end this blog. I don't even know how to title this thing. Forgiveness sucks, it really does. Because its going to happen again. Even though Christ said forgive them 70 x 7. Which really means never stop forgiving, by the time you get to 490, its pretty much your nature to forgive.  Hits me, Forgiveness is a process, its not a onetime thing. Why? because they are going to do it again and again and AGAIN!!  I need to study this more.

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6 (NIV) 

 

I find that I'll be anxious if I don't have full knowledge of whats going on. This was a problem in my marriage. One thing I really like is that there's no more anxiety in my life to deal with. I think also in my News career being that I have no idea what to expect at work, my anxiety is down. I just really go with the flow and just make it happen. I read and think. "Every Situation" sticks out. I don't pray with thanksgiving in every situation until I need to. I'm always thankful and see something good out of things. I think its supposed to be for those who get anxious. I sip some of my mocha with an extra shot, because I just passed out. Anxiety reminds me of all the overacting I experience in the streaming shows these days. I seriously refer to my DVD and Blu Ray library for real stuff to watch besides Cobra Kai. Nothing is what it seems anymore. I read and think again. By prayer and petition and thanksgiving. Man, God wants the whole thing. Usually if I get anxious its too late haha. Usually everything turns out fine. I should have done that before. I have actually been worried lately about whats to happen next year. I can't really afford my apartment anymore, but I felt God say to me, Humble yourself for yourself (a different blog). 

It hits me, God has everything under control. I don't. I wish I did. Even a divorce he knew was going to happen. He wasn't blindsided, He wasn't caught off guard. He's teaching me boundaries and to be honest with myself. I'm not anxious about it but its definitely humbling. I don't know what this remaining pandemic will result of. The economy has totally changed.

Hazard lights

 Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

 

 

I've always been a loner. I never had that group of guys that would hang out, like on TV. I just never craved it. My siblings are the same way. I guess were just independent. As I read and think about this passsage, I'm amazed of how I don't let people influence me as I once did. I've always been misunderstood and laughed or critized for not getting it, when really I was light years ahead. I have in the past apologized for practically living. I would be taken advantage of, because I have a good heart. I read and think. "Let it" sticks out. Its those moments when I'm hurt that my light doesn't shine. I get depressed and go silent and put my light out. Whats weird though, is that people can tell that I'm hurt and they want my light to shine. Do they realize they are the ones that convinced me to put my light out revealing my darkness. Then I start struggling trying to find my way turn the light on. These days I hike or I try to inspire myself especially when my sexual activity gets going and I really need it. Depression, sex, frustration, anger, stress really puts your day on stand still. I'm amazed of how I battle my struggles more than depression. In my marriage, I battled sex way more than I did when I was single. Do they really see a light shining? I don't. If anything they see Hazard Lights. Now that I'm divorced, its more monitoring my feelings and urges about what not to do and self control. The PTSD from my marriage is soo apparent. I have kids and have to keep whats important for them first. My temptations aren't nearly as severe than when I was married. The clock just kept ticking. I watched soo many movies with single parents and now I kind of get it. I'll never marry again. Marriage is clearly for your extended family and friends, not for you. Its for the anniversary of how long I can live in hell. That's what the congrats are for anyway. The vows are a joke too. What they should say instead is. 

 

Sarcasm at all times, life is way too short, you have to laugh most of the time.

When we go broke, we remain an team. When we get rich, we remain a team. no whining

When dealing with family, don't be selfish

When we get sick, no complaining about why this happened again.

When another person or something gets in between us, we expect it and are not surprised.

We agree to disagree.

Hits me,  Why should people look at me anyway. I look at them a bit, especially the girls. I don't care what people think of me really. When I get hurt, they know it. It's more hazard lights that I'm showing anyway.  I need to keep letting my light shine, even if I see hazard lights. regardless whether its accepted or not. They can do with it, what they want.

Humble Myself for Myself

 2 Corinthians 9:6

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

 

 

So I'm at Starbucks. I find myself needing more space these days. I'm kind of broke too. Since the divorce, I have felt more generous to anyone really. I don't really care anymore. I don't make much money, but the money in my car is pretty much gunna sit there unless I use it.  "Remember this" sticks out to me in this verse, why? because I'll forget. For soo many years I would shew anybody away that wanted money from me. I would often immediately think about my debts and be like "not right now". Now I'm like, fuck it, just take it. I'm tired, I need a drink, brb. Ok, got my Mocha with an extra shot. It should help me finish this thing.  I have my Sam Adams at home. Yes Susan and I divorced in January after 12 years of marriage, I'll explain why in other blogs. I moved out. We didn't tell the kids until after Christmas as to not ruin everything. Its been an eventful year. I felt a bit free at first but then I missed the kids. They helped me move and find a place. One thing that God kept hinting to me was to focus on my own therapy. So i began to finish the Dukes of Hazzard series, I finally finished and something hit during the last episode. I could tell how sad the actors were to end it. Some how I felt free from my past a bit and got motivated to move on and I went and hiked a mountain. I then realized I wanted to go meet the cast of the Dukes of Hazzard in November, which never happened.  God kept telling me to Humble myself for myself. Usually I'm humbling myself for my job or for someone else but never for me. Its hard to do. I don't think of me a lot, because there are soo many people with needs out there.

It hits me, I need to give when I feel I need to give. Whatever it is. I need to Humble myself for myself. To protect me. I'm not looking for Prosperity or reaping good.

 #dukesofhazzard #Samueladams #Starbucks #mocha #divorce #2corinthians9:6