Pissed off

Galatians 5:7-11

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?  That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.  “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.”  I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty.  Brothers and sisters, if I am still preaching circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been abolished.

 

At first I'm thinking, of the tough things I've been going through the past few months. Lots of insecurities about listening to God. From this scripture, I'm quick to blame. Sip some coffee, I read and think. It's those moments when you think God is using someone to speak to you and He's is but isn't. It's like in Star Wars when Anakein listens to the chancelor because his wife could be in danger. It's the get rich quick schemes, it's those moments when your past hits you unexpectedly and weeks later your wondering how you landed in the dirt, and is it too late? I have reason for resentment, but I feel miserable. What do I do with forgiveness? what do I do with salvation? Christ didn't say a word for 30 years. All he could say was "it's not time yet". I can't say God makes mistakes, He's teaching me to see Him in them. Why do bad things happen to good people? Define bad. It's different for everyone. I believe I live in a society that lives off of happiness, not reality. Sometimes I want to screw these blogs because I'm not being honest enough. I've been pissed these last months. God's been pulling me in my own company and knocking on me with all kinds of personal stuff. He's brought people back in my life that I now resent. He's brought family stuff up that I now resent again. The scripture comes to mind "he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I've come to envy sinners, then I look in the mirror and I see one. I find myself not wanting people over because it's not ready by my standards. I sound like my mom. NOOO!! Who did this to me? Did I? 

 

Hits me. I have to get myself out of this, I get so blindsided at times, I need to pray for grace, its like drinking a glass of water before I hit the heat outside and not after I'm dehydrated. It's being ready for the gig and not getting ready after its begun. And if the gigs begun and someone leads me astray, I can't put my head in the ground like I'd like to, but need to keep to my identity even if I don't know who I am anymore.

Iron Man: [as the fight begins] Call it, Cap!

Hebrews 6:10-12

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.  We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized.  We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

 

I'm not sure what to think of these. I've done lots of work God in my life and never thought of people seeing it. I never cared. Now that I have a family, I charge money for it. With my a.d.d. I often feel invisible. This helps when I'm operating a camera. I also wear black all of the time but simply due to the industry I work in. People do see me though and it doesn't bother me. I have to do what I have to do, to get that shot. And now, I find I need to show that footage quickly. sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of the super heros. I'm reminded of spiderman, the incredibles, the avengers, all those guys. These people who freely just wanted to help humanity and make the world a safe place to live.

The ending fight scene from the avengers comes to mind.

Iron Man: [as the fight begins] Call it, Cap!
Captain America: Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal our priority's containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash.
Hawkeye: [to Iron Man] Want to give me a lift?
Iron Man: Right. Better clench up, Legolas.
[Iron Man takes Hawkeye up to the roof]
Captain America: Thor, you gotta try and bottleneck that portal. Slow 'em down. You got the lightning. Light the bastards up.
[Thor swings his hammer and flies off and Captain America turns to Black Widow]
Captain America: You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk? Smash!
[the Hulk grins and jumps away]

 I look at these guys, and their all simply using their talents to help make the world a safer place. I'm amazed of how often I only look at my family and seek to protect it. I've done years of service in church with no thought of credit. Sometimes I did feel that God wasn't watching. But did I do it for the right reason or simply because I wanted it done. I'm surprised of how long God will let me make a mistake in order for me to see it His way. It feels right at the time but not wholesome. Yet He'll allow it. Where do my abilities belong? Do I belong?

Hits me, God wants me to put my all in until the very end, He knows my heart and motive, He knows who I really am, especially when I feel misunderstood. The Avengers were all different characters but kept their goal secure. They knew who they were. I must live for who God made me to be, especially when I don't believe it and doubt it  and start becoming lazy.

the dark side of the force

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 

I've always been fascinated by Christ's life here on earth. He never argued, He just spoke the truth. I have a hard time speaking the truth about God to people, especially if their my friends. But then what is a true friend? Sip some coffee, I read and think. He spoke in total first person, which threw everybody off. He actually identified himself as the light of the world.

 

I'm amazed of how much darkness I am used to walking in. It's walking into my office (storage room) at home. I have so much junk from my past in here. Old cd's that i don't use anymore, they're for back up, if my hard drives crash. Memorbelia that needs to be put on display to make it a nice office. When I was single, I took whatever people gave me in technology. Basicly their old junk and put it with mine. Then when I got married, I had to rethink why I had old tv's and gear which all worked fine, just old. My wife told when we had an apartment, "what do you really see in the backyard?" Honestly? I saw a nice patio to hang at, not all my junk. I was then amazed of how much attachment I had put on things that i had purchased or gifts that people had given me.  Then when about my life with God? What things am I collecting due to hard times? Things that are keeping me away from walking in the light? I'm not sure, am I thinking about it too much? It's just like Anakin Skywalker was told that if He turned to the Dark side, he could save his wife. He had a great motive, but little did he know what was ahead. His kids barely saved him from his bitterness and anger. If he hadn't joined the dark side, his wife would have been fine and Luke and Leia wouldn't had to save him. No if's though. What happened, happened and it was meant to be. I can't live by "if only".

 

Hits me, I look to so many other things to be the light of the world, not God. I do it without thinking about it. I find I look at progress as the light of the world or success. Those are things that I'm not good at. That's stupid. My freedom is nothing like Christ's. It's like make my own darkness, my own version of black, my dark side of the force. It's a mixture of a nice yard, good income, healthy family, etc. Where's God in that? I'm way off. He's there, but wants to direct me, not follow. He's revealing to me His life in me through Him even when my darkness appears to be light.