discouragement vs optimism

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God!

Psalm 42:1 NLT

This is fascinating, the process of perseverance. It's the hike up the mountain, yet not knowing how far away the top is. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I find verses like these to be hard to relate with. I wasn't raised to think like this. I was raised to be like Paul and rejoice in my trials. It's like always being optimistic in everything so I didn't get discouraged, because discouragement really meant, lack of faith. My fear is failure and rejection, my problem is, is that I don't goal set. I just keep plugging away at things that keep me from failing. When I take my family on vacation, I have no expectations, that way I don't get discouraged. It's like I put up a defense mechanism so I can prepare myself to be optimistic. Isn't that insecurity though? How long can that last? It's like I don't seek God in my troubles, I seek my past experiences as a cushion. I read and think. David was depressed. I don't get depressed, I just keep moving, I keep optimistic and focused. Sometimes too focused. Am I really not being honest with God? I don't feel I am at times. Venting and stress are almost shunned these days. But why? Because it's showing your true feelings? You attend church and it's happy time, be careful not show your true colors. I have before, and people get concerned. I'm a real person, as is everyone. Not everyone can talk to me though. I'm not everyones close friend, and I won't be. I used to take that as rejection, but now I take it as life. Isn't that a cover up?

Hits me, God wants me to be real with Him, not to be someone else who I think He wished I was. I may not be depressed, but I still need to persevere in God and rejoice in Him, because I easily don't rejoice until I think its from God, then I have pride. Because I begin judging whether it's from God or not.