Inside Out

This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 NIV

At first I'm thinking that this is New Years Eve and why not have a verse like this. I reflect on the past too much I find. Why do I dwell in it, so much? It's like the 1% of clients that hate you, that cause you to updated standards. Its the confidence that you lose for the brief time because I want the job to be over. But I must have integrity and finish it. My grandma died this year, my friend Ben Rehm and Sarah Izbell also passed away.

I need something to drink. I'm at Starbucks today, so I'm drinking my usual cafe' Mocha. Sip some Mocha I read and think. Honestly I'm reminded of how I have trouble not stressing over these blogs. I'm reminded of how much stress I had this year with providing as an entrepreneur and getting ready for our baby, and the plumbing leak that required a new bathroom that took 6 months to replace. Then I forget about how God provided for everything. I'm reminded of the movie Inside Out. Its currently my 6 year olds favorite. Its about the inside of our brains and how we react to change. In the movie, a family sets out to San Francisco for a new business venture, the main charactor Riley, is positive about the change, but gets too fixed on her hometown of Minnesota. Disney very cleverly divided up the brain into 5 parts, Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, and Fear. The point of the movie was to see the need for sadness. Joy played by Amy Poehler, wants Rileys world always to be Joyful, causing Rileys emotions and feeling to be hidden. Sadness played by Phyllis Smith recgonizes when Riley needs to be sad. This feeling of sadness doesn't relate to the other feelings, and they keep shutting her out. This continues until Joy and Sadness find themselves trapped in Rileys past memories where they discover her invisible friend Bing Bong played by Richard Kind. Bing Bong relizes that Riley doesn't need him anymore and Sadness comforts him, making him cheer up.  This gives Joy and epiphany, that sadness is needed in order to recover from hurt.

Hits me, I made mistakes this year, I'm a screw up in my marriage, I let my family down, made dumb decisions. If I don't take time to be sad and let it go, and focus on what God did do, the waters he opened up, the new things he's doing, I'll be miserable I wonder where my hope comes from. Riley was mad about the move, and attempted to run away back to Minnesota where life was better. She finally broke down and cried to her parents and they empathized and related with her, making all her emotions unite. I can look at things as good as the were and fail to see what God has planned for me this upcoming year. He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Doing Business socially

So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 8:15 NLT

At first I'm thinking that, I've never seen this one before. How Fun! I'm a fun guy, but I also have a deep and serious side to me. Who doesn't? Sip some coffee, I read and think.

This is how I do business actually. In networking, business can be done by eating, drinking, and enjoying life. It's about using people who I've connected with. I've run into problems though, when too many cool people approach doing the same thing.

I also see this as how to live life, but with honesty. I'm all about the post-event. What happens after the party. In video production, its about what happens in the post event. I was shooting a funeral yesterday and arrived at the burial, the burial people were wondering why I was shooting it? I had to inform them of the several people who wanted to be there and couldn't. She hadn't thought of that. I find that I am living in an entitled era. Everyone is entitled to do things on their own time, when they want it. The biggest problem with video production is that things are left undone. That's where I come in.

I also see the need to lighten up. I get so fixated on getting work in and getting work out, that I forget to watch the wind in the trees and the months go by and its already Christmas, but I'm thinking of January.  Even in stressful moments I tend to have fun, (drives my wife crazy). I use humor in my stress.

My daughter's been watching Curious George 3: Back to Jungle. In it George is requested to fly to outer space to get a device off a satelite to help control the dams in South Africa. He successful does this but crashes in South Africa. Being Curious, he immidiately makes friends with the animals and eventually finishes his job and saves the land from flooding.  I was impressed with how George could remain positive the whole time and keep thinking outside the box.

Hits me, I need to learn to relax and let my job go. Call it quits after a time. Take a break. God's got my work cut out for me and I need to just trust Him.

Good and Evil

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33 NIV


There's a song about this, that I was raised with. It's crazy the words I sing and don't mean them. I find I sing other music and mean it, but when it come to Godly stuff, it doesn't happen all the time.

Sip come coffee, I read and think. Why can't it go a different way? Why does it have to His kingdom and His righteousness. I find i get this backwards. I think if I do good and feel good, I'll get his kingdom and his righteousness. So I am currently shooting a conference about the afterlife. I was amazed of how i could feel the emptiness in the room. I could feel the evil presence on me. I kept just giving it to God. The belief system was definitely abstract, to there being more than one God. A team of gods. I'm thinking, the gospel is simple people, just believe in it and have faith. I found that too many people wanted control of their lives. When in fact, we're to give up control to God. They want to be in charge and control their universe. It's almost fear that they have. It's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Don't mess with that, it's a spiritual field beyond my control, only supernatural beings such as God should take care of that.  They won't seek His kingdom or his righteousness, they want to choose their own god's. We all have, and know how that go's.

Hits me, The point is, is where do I find my hope, my escape. It should be in God, but usually isn't. I try and try hard, living in His Kingdom and righteousness isn't easy, but more I do, the more all these things are given.

Argofuckyourself

"...for unless you believe that I Am who I claim to be, you will die in your sins."

John 8:24 NLT


At first I'm thinking, how abrupt is that? Believe or die, but not just believe, but believe in who I claim to be. It's so sudden. It's believe that I was there or you will die. I would have so many more questions.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I am a sinner, a professional one. I've always said, christians are the best sinners. There is so much temptation after you get saved, that I've given into sin before, because I just couldn't handle the temptation. So the part "die in your sins" makes sense. I felt I was dying.  I ask my myself, why do I have so much trouble trusting and believing. I am human, but why do I have issues with trust? My daughter brought a note home from school the other day about her speaking during class. I wanted to know the conversation. I wanted to know the relationship. So she didn't start this. Then at the end she said, "dad, everyone gets notes home likes this, this is my first one". I'm going to sin, it's going to happen, but it's just another chance to believe in God again in who is. It's practice, its learning. He's not going to challenge me with things that are easy but with those that aren't.

I'm reminded of the movie Argo, where Ben Afleck stars at Tony Mendez, A CIA agent who has to rescue 6 Americans held Hostage in Iran in 1980. He does this by disguising the as an undercover Hollywood producer and they are the crew scouting for a location to shoot a fake sci film named Argo. It was very hard for them to trust him, but they did and they made it. the phrase "Argofuckyourself" became the humorous come back when the film was brought up by spectators later in the years.

Hits me, I need to believe that He is who He claims to be, not just agree. I'm a sinner, He's my way out, I need to believe that.

The War with my Drone

But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.

1 Corinthians 8:3 NLT

At first I'm thinking, i haven't seen this scripture in this context before. It makes me question my judgements on things I do. Sure I love God, but there are times, I don't show it. How does he recognize me?

Sip come coffee, I read and think. I find there's a vibe, I give everyone, something I can't hold back. Everyone has it. No matter what happens to me, what situations, bad decisions I make, this vibe doesn't leave me. It's this part about me that loves God, people can tell, I can tell. I'm going to piss my wife off, buy saying stupid stuff, or doing stupid stuff. I find I learn when everything is over, not during. I find I observe during, not after. God doesn't mind that. I don't have to be like everyone else. Christ wasn't, and we didn't like it. I find I need to be who I am. I find I'm not close to many at all but God, and they can tell. I try to fake it, but i'm too transparent. Some people have no idea I'm a christian.

But who is God to love? Who am I loving? It's an identity thing to me, it's about how I see myself through Him. I have to be consistent with it too. I get lazy and don't even care for months. He hints to me though through other people that it's ok to trust Him, when I'm not. He loves me, and i need to accept that.  I don't like accepting that because its my nature to feel stuck, not to perform better.

I'm reminded of when I bought my first drone last summer. I needed it for a video shoot. I couldn't figure it out. It was like a war. Finally i went to Hobby lobby and they explained briefly of what to expect when its ready to fly. I still needed to fly it. I was scared, but I knew I had to do it. I kept at it, feeling scared every flight. I crashed it a lot, but kept at it. I upgraded this summer to another one and still have the same fears. I realize that change is needed not just in my company but in my family. I have an image in my head of what I want that to look like, and I need to stride for it. I have a vision in my head of how crazy I want to fly that drone, and I need to practice it.

Hits me, I will always love God, most everyone does, but am I living my life like it? No, not really. But God's a jealous God and he wants me back to where I used to be and he wants me to improve.

A peaceful beating

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 NLT

Interesting, a healthy body to cancer in the bones. Peaceful vs. jealousy. I've never been a jealous guy. I'm always striving to have a good time or just make the most of it. When I was younger, I was obsessed with the lady's.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm amazed of what peace vs jealously does to the body. I find i get stuck in areas either quickly or over time. I'm easy going, so peace is not hard to find wherever I'm at. Envy, jealousy, whatever you want to call it, can kill ya. I'm amazed of the beating my body takes, when I get into this stuff. I don't really get jealous because I tend to want to celebrate with people their successes. I find I don't have peace alot. Peace to me says, I'm cool where I'm at. I usually am not. I want to be better at everything I do. I constantly stride to improve. I try to listen to people and take insight where I can. Instead of being jealous of what others could do, I want to find out how they did it.

Hits me, surrendering things to God will give me peace, the jealousy factor won't be there then. I can set my expectations high for anything. If I don't have peace about it though, it'll be like having cancer.

Hardened Heart

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Proverbs 4:23 NLT


At first I'm thinking that I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's crazy but I do. I put everything out there. Why? because I want to be real. Doing this also puts it up for battle and shred. People will see I'm doing this and want to take advantage of me. They won't be respectful, they just will be completely mean. You throw enough of that at me, I end up hardening my heart. In school, I lost trust in teachers and my classmates. I averaged. I see it many people, so much, that I empthaze with them, because I feel the heart is where life begins and ends. Business's are started due to whats on someones heart.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. In Video production, I produce for the viewers hearts. What mood do I want to give them. People watch videos to escape, learn, grow, be impacted, out of interest, laugh.

My tough part is when my heart is hurt by people that I'm close to, this started with my family, and then gets into my marriage. I didn't expect that, I didn't expect that I would take the pain of childhood into my adult life. I thought adult life would just erase them. Now I find I'm living according to them at times.


Hits me, I need to guard my heart in weird moments, do not mistake kindness for weakness. My heart may be hurt, but it does determine the course of my life. I feel while scrolling through facebook, so many hurt people are escaping to it. Other's escape from it. Facebook was founded due to a hardened heart. Now here I am, online sharing my heart, lol.

Battle for Joy

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Psalm 16:11 NLT

At first I'm thinking, I've read this before. But what is it. These days, I find I'm afraid to live this kind of life. The joy of His presence, that all sounds good. Why do i have a hard time with it?

Sip some coffee, I read and think. I learn on my own time. Not on everyones elses. They can show me, but I will take it my own way. Sometimes, I do exactly as they say. That's why I don't care about my competition, because there different than me. Its crazy how Christ will show me the way of life in His own way, but I refuse it. It grants me joy and pleasure and all that stuff. I know what freedom is, but  I don't want it at times. Why not? My struggle is self condemnation. This helps me to carry on, when I get depressed, I don't stop, I keep charging.

I'm not one to goal set, so i need to be, I'm not one to plan, so I need to be. This is not my nature but it needs to be. I have to pray this. 

Fighting Unfailing Love

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

Psalm 13:5 NLT

At first I'm thinking, I've seen this before. I have a problem with unfailing love. I have trouble when my daughter hugs me and doesn't want to let me go. Maybe its because I'm not very affectionate, I'm more in need of people helping me. She puts me in a tight headlock.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. Every Night, we sing Jesus Loves me to my daughter before bed, that or a Christmas carol. I think I'm the only one those word hit "Jesus, loves me". I feel Him speaking to me, saying "I, really do". I have to trust Him for unfailing love. I'm not good at that. Rescued, me from my self condemning ways. I will rejoice? Why do I keep living like this?

I Redboxed the movie Pandington, this weekend. I was reluctant because the preview made it look dumb. But the movie was good, longer story short, Pandington was rescued by a family in unknown place call London.

In my business, I have to think of what am I doing now.  I need to look at life with what am I doing about this anger, this insecurity, this hurt.

Hits me, I've already been rescued, I need to trust in His unfailing love. I'm not good at that.

Preparing to tell Grandma Kinkels story

Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment,

1 Peter 2:2 NLT


At first I'm thinking, I'm newborn, even though I think and feel such an old christian. I'm all about addressing old things in a new ways. I find that every morning, it's new way of looking at things. This blog, is a new blog for a new day. The scriptures are new every morning even though they were written thousands of years ago.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. Today I am shooting my Grandma Kinkel's life story. She has alzheimers so I know this will be interesting. Grandma is epic, just her personality is real an honest. my cousin Maggie has been taking care of her and has drawn close. I've been getting into story telling these past weeks. I want to hear her story of salvation, hear how God spoke to her way back in the day, how he speaks to her now? How she craves that spiritual milk. This is Grandma Kinkel, the amazing storybook reader, godly, honest, cook. Then I ask myself, how I experience Christ? How i've strayed again and again. Then I witness people like my grandma who've been faithful all their life.

Hits me. I'll always be a new born, even though I change gears to adulthood. Grandma always takes me back to who I really am, here eldest grandson.

Rambling Heart

May he grant your heart's desires and make all your plans succeed.

Psalm 20:4 NLT


The Holidays are over and I feel like I missed them, I was working the whole time, lol. At first I'm thinking, how does he know my hearts desire, but he does. How real am I being here. I can't fake out God. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm amazed of how clogged up my brain gets these days. I find my hearts desire is pay the bills and keep a roof over my families head. Or is it?

In all the business groups I attend on a weekly basis, I find we're all there for the same reason, to keep work coming in. No ones stressed, business is relational, and showing up gives you credibility. More coffee please, my lower back is out today. My daughter woke me up this morning at 2 am to watch Sophia, so I put it on repeat, camped out on the couch with her, until the cats woke me up to feed them. I read and think. What is my hearts desire? I love promoting people, their businesses, seeing them succeed, seeing them in the spotlight, and learning how to do it better.  What are my plans? How do I plan to do that? I have to surround myself with people who believe in what I do. I show up with my steadicam and shoot. Then I deliver in a timely manner. By doing that, several business's spot me and see that I'm legit and want to speak further. But not everyone.  It's hard when you get busy and you're almost a week out in delivery, then followup like crazy. I don't care what people think of me, why should I? If they find me bazaar, more power to them, lets take a selfie!! To me, from what I've learned from putting people around me, it's all about the relationship connection. It's that vibe, that first impression of me.

Hits me, God's given me my hearts desire for whatever it is, He's also given me plans to succeed, and He puts this drive in me and that will never end. He shows me himself everywhere I go. I feel like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire or Steve Jobs when he got with Wozniak. I'm an artist turned entrepreneur.  Now I'm just rambling. I have a rambling heart.

the Face of Video

For God, who said, "Let there be light in the darkness," has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 4:6 NLT

At first I'm thinking, it's another light verse, and I haven't had my coffee yet. I'm tired this morning, well, I'm always tired. Got my coffee.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. This is pretty strong, not the coffee, but the verse. I'm reminded of how I light a video shoot. It's really critical of how I do it.  I do it all on location and it gets everyones attention. People start taking pictures, they ask me how I got into this. I have to move things around in a room and make a whole environment. I have to change theirs. I have to explain where I want them to sit or stand, I also have questions to ask. Whats my point with this verse? Christ wants my heart, in video, I want their heart, in order to get that, I have create a new environment that they may have forgotten about, I have to give them a new face, a new light. I have to ask them questions that are going to make them think about their companies in a way they haven't before. I do this, so I can piece their business together, so that people on the web will know what they do. How many times have I been lost in my own sinful ways? I haven't forgotten about God, but His light is really dim,  I'm trying to keep up with other things and not Him. He's my new environment, He's the 3 point light kit that makes me pop out in a scene so people can hear what my business or my life is all about. It's crazy when I have to ask people in a company if I can redo their entire area in order to get the right shot. They say, sure! Why can't I let God do that to me? I'm amazed of how many people he's put into my life, to give me this new face He wants me to have. It's a face of no fear, it's a face of confidence, a face of honesty and integrity, it's a new look, that at times I don't believe is possible to have.

Hits me, everyday there's a new opportunity for a new face of video. It's wherever I go, whatever I do. I'm going to mess up things and feel stupid. It doesn't matter though,  Christ will shine through in His own way, not mine. People will impact me in a way they never thought, and I'll do the same without knowing it.

God's timing, not ours

For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

Romans 10:10 NLT

At first I'm thinking, I've read this before. It's interesting how I have to say things with my mouth, its the way I say them. Sip some coffee,  I read and think. I see believing and confessing with your mouth. God doesn't want fake people. I'm not fake, I don't think anybody else is either. We all have reasons why we are the way we are. Facebook has all kind of tests to take about what movie character you, disney character, hippie, all kinds of stuff. Their stupid, yet genius, its how they sell you stuff. In networking events I've been to, people have seen my energy and excitement for life and would seduce me to their mlm businesses. I've learned my lesson and can now simply walk away. But its interesting because I don't put up any real walls. Why put up walls, when were all in this life together. I read and think.

It's interesting how I can't pray on someones behalf for them to be saved, they have to do it. I can't believe on someones behalf either, they have to do it. It's like my mom taking a test for me in high school so I would pass, it doesn't work like that. I'm amazed of how God did not give us the ability to fix people, but things. How many times did I watch some kid be brought to the pastor in order to get fixed, or even to me? How many times were youth pastors blamed for the kids problems. Churches don't call people to attend, people attend. The arenas don't call people to remind them of a game, people go to see their team.

Hits me, its all God's timing, not mine. I learn differently than others, my daughter was hanging upside down on the ottoman that other day, and I accused her of not listening. Then I thought to myself, maybe that's her way of listening.  Now how do i title this?

School of hard knocks

So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law.

Galatians 5:1 NLT

The first thing I think of how I don't do this right. I don't stay free, and I get tied up again in the law. It also reminds me of the many times, men have preached to me saying this very thing. I put my act on and leave. Sip some coffee, I read and think. How many times, have told my wife I'm working on freedom. I find the bible filled with drama and death, not peace and happiness. I was hanging out last week with an old friend and mentioned that the cross wasn't an award ceremony of well done. It was death that brought freedom. I think about things too much, I think. I look at facebook and want to know what REALLY is going on, before people escape to there phone for a second to check it. Being above reproach these days is a challenge. I'm not elder material, I'm real material. I tell life like it is, I don't sugar coat it, with a bible verse of how I'm supposed to be. "make sure" stands out. I don't learn in the classroom. I learn on the job, from the school of hard knocks. I was looking to shoot a seminar last week and was asked how I was going to learn if I was behind the camera.  I told the presenter that, unless I'm listening to the presenter I cannot follow him with the camera. He then got someone else to shoot it. I still showed up but could only handle an hour of lecture. Even at church I can't handle too much teaching, I don't like teachers, too controlling. I do better with a phrase and think.  I find I'm trying to follow there and lose track of the message. When I stride to let Jesus live in me, and live above reproach, I begin judging people.  So what is the way out of all this?

Hits me, Christ as truly set me free, that freedom doesn't come from anywhere but Christ. I can escape to anything and Christ will be there waiting. I can disagree with scripture but that doesn't make it false, it makes me stupid. Any lecturer can do their thing, but it's Christ's life in me that will see me through everything.

Frozen

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Jeremiah 29:13 NLT

At first, I'm thinking this makes sense in all areas. If I research anything wholeheartedly, I will find what I'm looking for. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I don't look for God enough. It's an emotional, spiritual thing to study God. Years ago I used to study Him all the time, but then it whithered away. "You will find me" sticks out. Then I'm reminded of Forrest Gump "i didn't know,  I was looking for Him". I find I'm like Elsa in Frozen "no escape from the storm inside me". Or is it a storm? I find that I'm captive in my daily sins. I'm amazed of how I become a immune to living in the storm instead of finding my way out of it. It was Elsa's fear that kept her talent a storm. What is my fear of seeking God? That I'll struggle even more once I start growing in Him.  All Elsa had to do was love her sister and she would gain control of her gift. I find I have a battle with my gift, but I feel God telling me to trust Him with it. Why is that so hard? God doesn't do things by accident. There are no accidents. I read and think.

Hits me, Elsa had frozen her whole town out of fear of the past. It took her sister risking her life for her to let go of that fear. I can live in fear all of my life of rejection and failure and sure God will use me, but as soon as I wholeheartedly look for Him instead of hardheartedly, only then will I see my full potential excel. Or I will just end up freezing everything in my own way.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109830/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2294629/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

For the First Time in Forever

Joyful are those who listen to me, watching for me daily at my gates, waiting for me outside my home!

Proverbs 8:34 NLT

On Vacation this week. Finally get a chance to blog some more in the morning. The first thing that comes to mind are these get rich quick schemes that I used to help produce when I was at PSAV. The doors would open in the ballroom and people would run to the front row to get a good seat. I was amazed of how much energy people had to make money. It was like they were kids. But when I've found the answer to things in my life, what am I to do? Coffee for instance, I make it every morning. It's the answer to me waking up from the dead. I rely on it. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of the song For the first time in forever from Frozen (that's a lot of f's).

http://www.amazon.com/Frozen-Two-Disc-Blu-ray-Digital-Copy/dp/B00G5G7K7O

How eager Anna was to get out of those walls. How anxious have I been in my personal life to seek God? not much. I seek Him on a daily basis. I don't listen to God enough either, but I'm joyful when I do.

Her parents had closed the gates, to protect them from humiliation and keep there gifts sacred. It was all based on fear. How many times have I been afraid to trust God? I'm amazed how He shows himself through my fear. It's almost like a hint that I can trust Him? Anna was alive and her love for Elsa wouldn't leave, so much so that she put her own life up at the end to protect her. Has my love for God ever left? no, but its dithered at times. I used to keep all the doors and windows shut, out of fear that people would see my gear and steal it. I read and think.

Hits me, For the first time in forever, is a daily revelation, it's a whole new day to reveal gifts and talents. It's to listen and seek to understand.

do not mistake kindness for weakness

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 27:4

The first thing that I think of is the line from Gladiator - Maximus: [removes helmet and turns around to face Commodus] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

http://www.amazon.com/Gladiator-Blu-ray-Russell-Crowe/dp/B00AEFY552/ref=sr_1_3?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1402849643&sr=1-3&keywords=Gladiator

I've already had my coffee, so I am reading and thinking. Today is father's day 2014. I find myself always working up to the day about how much of a father I haven't been to my daughter, sure on facebook it looks right, but how selfish have I been this year with work. How godly haven't I been at home. As I read Maximus line in Gladiator, I don't know what I'd do without my family. Would I ask God and strive to dwell in his house all the days of my life? or would I want seek vengeance?  I was raised to see them as God's and not mine, so that death would be easy. I can't think that way, it just doesn't seem human. I title this blog "do not mistake kindness for weakness" because that's how I am read a lot. I am an easy going nice guy. I have to tell cold callers that "I will waist their time for 30 minutes being nice and not buy a think, so hang up now." When people want to do business with me, they usually give me this stone cold business look and I am trying to get to know them as a person. I read and think. Where was Maximus' temple? It was his vengeance, it was like, all he had was his strength and training. I thought about hitting church today, but I just don't like the sermon atmosphere, I will be waiting to leave. Then why go? It was how I was raised. I find I get more out of God when I'm blogging. God knows where I'm at everyday, regardless of where physically I'm at. He put people in my life to keep me on track. Maximus was a commander, but longed to be with his family. His wife and child made him who he was. Then he sought justice for them. He was only wanting one thing. God has designed me for one thing, to dwell in his presence, nothing else. Oh, I will get distracted and dwell elsewhere and he knows that. But no matter how far I drift way, I'm still longing for Him. He doesn't read my kindness as weakness, he reads it as opportunity.

Making eye contact with Christ

Exodus 20

New International Version (NIV)

The Ten Commandments

20 And God spoke all these words:

² “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

³ “You shall have no other gods before^[a] me.

⁴ “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. ⁵ You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, ⁶ but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

⁷ “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

⁸ “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. ¹¹ For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

¹² “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

¹³ “You shall not murder.

¹⁴ “You shall not commit adultery.

¹⁵ “You shall not steal.

¹⁶ “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

¹⁷ “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

The 10 commandments have been on my mind for a few weeks now. I didn't know why either, probably because I've broken most of them. I began to ask myself why and what was going on between moses and God. Sip some coffee, I read and think.  

 I've been working on this entry for a while so the coffee kind of comes and goes.

I've come to recognize that this meeting between between God and Moses wasn't a coffee house conversation like, "lets narrow down a list of things that the people shouldn't do and try to keep it to 10".  God engraved these stones with lightning. So this is for real. It also hit me that, that they weren't just commandments, but God saying "i understand what you are struggling with, and know you will continue to battle these 10 things".


² “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.: 
He knew that a lot of times I think I should just get a job and forget this self employment thing. I want to blame people. He completely acknowledges and take responsibility for this.

³ “You shall have no other gods before^[a] me.
He knew I would replace him with other people and things.

⁴ “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.
He knew my coping ways wouldn't be drawing to him, but to other things, he knew I would ignore his calling at times.

⁵ You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, ⁶ but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
 He knew, I would be addicted to things due to my upbringing, and would need to keep knocking on my door to show me what I need to do and that He loved me.

⁷ “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
I'm careful about this one, but swearing and cursing, I've become really good at. Yet when I become ashamed and neglect to acknowledge him, I feel the conviction.

⁸ “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. ¹¹ For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

He knew I would be a workaholic and neglect to take a day of rest. He knew I would always be thinking about getting work in and getting it out. He knew the passion he gave me would get out of hand.  He also knew I would eventually get upset with the concept of a building, pulpet, and how corporate church has become. So much as to be tired of it. Yet he clear states, take a day off!

¹² “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

Lol, because he knew I would rebel and not listen to them. 


¹⁴ “You shall not commit adultery.
He knew this would be a problem.


 ¹³ “You shall not murder.
i've never thought like this, but he knows its possible and its happened to others.

¹⁵ “You shall not steal.
 He knew I would steal and brag and laugh about it. (online stuff)

 ¹⁶ “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
He knew I would get upset with neighbors at times.

¹⁷ “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

He knew this was an issue too. He knew that things find there way in to my mind in different formats because of situation upon situation of life that happens.

Hits me,
I wish he said, don't read peoples thoughts, don't fly, don't be embarrassing. He wasn't messing around. He wants me to be addicted to Him, but understands that it will be challenging. He's really just said "i know you guys, and here are ten ways to grow in me.
 
  

I desire mercy, not sacrifice - Jesus

Matthew 9:9-13

As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.  While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples.  When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”  On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

 

 

At first I'm thinking, wow this is how he meets Matthew. As I read further, I find he comes back with what is the age old problem, defining the healthy and the sick. Sip some coffee, I read and think. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice" sticks out. What is sacrifice? the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone. Yet Christ wanted mercy. Christ didn't have anything to keep. He wasn't looking for perfect people, he was looking for passionate people, the people who were considered outcasts. How many times have I pointed fingers and judged others for there bad decisions. What a bad decision I made. What is Mercy?
compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. I have to look at others as though I'm no different. I am no different, I'm as much a sinner as they are. We're all sick, in need of a savior.

Hits me, if its a sacrifice to help the sick? I'm not thinking right. I'm also sick, in need of a savior.

I must protect you from yourself - Jacopo

For "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

Romans 10:13 NLT

At first I'm reminded of the count of Monte Cristo when Jacopa tells him he will protect him even if he has to protect him from himself.

Edmond: If you ever presume to interfere in my affairs again, I will, I promise you, finish the job I started the day we met! Do you understand?
Jacopo: I understand you are mad.
Edmond: Mad? My enemies are falling into my traps perfectly!
Jacopo: Mad, your grace, for ignoring this: you have a fortune, a beautiful woman who loves you. Take the money, take the woman, and live your life! Stop this plan, take what you have won!
Edmond: I can't.
Jacopo: Why not?... I'm still your man, Satara. I swore an oath I will protect you. Even if it means I must protect you from yourself. I'll drive you home now.


What is calling on God, and what is being saved?  I never prayed for a wife, I guess I was so logical that I thought what if God has no one, then I'm wasting my time praying. Sip some coffee, I read and think. It's like, what does God know about business? What does God know about vengeance?  What does God know about enemies? I find I get so stuck in my ways about surviving. Susan and I have been surviving since we were hit by the economy 4 years ago. Caring that kind of economic fear is heavy. All Edmond could think about was getting back at his friend. He really wanted him to pay for everything. He didn't, for a second think of the reverse. The whole situation made him grow. I grew in business knowledge last year. I find I live in my marriage and my business life, racing against the clock to provide a good life, when its really one to give to God.

Hits me, Edmond said "I can't". Edmond couldn't see through his vengeance and his plan. I'm like this but with no plan. Saved from what? Saved from myself? I'm known to be faithful, to get the job done. I stick with it, I finish what I start. It's hard for me to let go when I've been hurt. Why do I hold on to pain? Why can't I just flush the toilet and wash my hands? I need to accept the fact that I've been saved and quit putting my chains back on.