What does the diary tell you that it doesn't tell us? - Colonel Vogel

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God

Psalm 42:11 NLT

I woke up this morning thinking about the theology of a christian. The meaning of being a christian. Why do I call myself a christian. As I was browsing some blogs, the line from Indiana Jones and the last crusade came to mind.
Colonel Vogel: What does the diary tell you that it doesn't tell us?
[he tries to slap him again; Henry grabs his wrist, stopping him]
Professor Henry Jones: [through his teeth] It tells me, that goose-stepping morons like yourself should try *reading* books instead of *burning* them!

Then I sip some coffee and read and think. Am I willing to embrace who I am in God and fight for it?  As a christian I should be happy with joy. David clearly isn't. He tells God, that he's depressed, but he's still going to put his hope in Him. It's one of those things. Here in the last crusade, Dr. Jones is in the tank when they have this conversation. Colonel Vogel starts slapping him with his glove. Then asks him about the diary. What is the theology of my life? on what basis do I live my life. Sure I'm a christian so I live by the bible. But what really do I live my life for? I think of sports players, business people, students, family's, etc. Play to win! Grow your company! Get that degree! Have a nice house and great kids! I find I live my life towards and according to my situation. Then when my situation gets intense, I go to the word or whatever way I have of coping at the time. I can so easily get numb with knowledge of God. I can get wrapped up in societies ways and my vision weakens.  The nazi's saw the grail as a prize, which was the whole reason for the battle. I read and think. The diary was the search the grail, but really for the truth. The nazi's simply saw ownership. What's hard for me to understand and comprehend is that God is not to be owned because he seeks to own. I get so blinded, I'm one of those people who start burning the books that i need to read. It's easy for me to go to the place of pain in my life. It's easy to want hope and freedom but not from God. It's easy to think that the true hope comes from anywhere else but God. It's hard to believe that my mission in life is based on my circumstances. Others won't search their past, they live in anger with no way out (not as David does and fight to see the truth). They live in their pain as do I. Then I just have a stronger backbone. Is that whats life's about? Building a strong backbone?

Hits me, Henry Jones was in pursuit of God via the Diary even though he called it illumination. It was this theology that drew Him all his life. I'll get hit day in and day out with who knows what. God will use whatever he feels to draw me to him. I'll see his truth when its time. It's not about what job I do or don't have, where I'm at in my life at my age. It's His diary that he's writing through me.

Secret Weapon - Petra

The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

James 5:16b NLT

The first thing I think of is not having the power of prayer within me. However, I feel it when someones prays for me. I don't feel it when I pray for someone else. It's like acknowledging someone. It's awkward, it feels better to be acknowledged. Sip some coffee, I read think. It's this battle between having confidence and believing in God. What makes me righteous? The dicitionary defines this as morally right, justifiable, virtuous. Man I am none of those at times, I'm terrible.  Then there are moments when I am.

Prayer is as Petra puts it the "secret weapon". When someone has an issue on facebook and really speaks their heart, I comment "praying". I remember in college in my radio broadcasting class, my teacher would cuss up a storm. I thought I'm just going to pray for him like crazy until he stops. He never stopped. Then there are the moments when I pray that I can find something at home, and I find it. Sometimes I feel that I feel its not the right time to pray for someone. What is prayer though? the dictionary again says " a plea, help, devout petition to God." I remember being in a worship prayer time before church and praying for who was going to be there. I'm reminded of the many movies that have people praying in them: Bruce Almighty, It's a wonderful life, Shenandoah, Forrest Gump. Prayer is a weapon against the enemy. When two or more are gathered. Only two. I've lost count of the many shows that I been in where I've prayed for them to run seamlessly.

Petra lyrics hit me though. 

I've waited patiently for your reply 
You say you'll come around, by and by 
I've tried to show the way into the light 
But I just won't let you go, without a fight
You think my hands are tied 
But you will never hide, 
no I've got you in my sight, day and night
I've got a secret weapon 
I'll pray for you  
I've got a secret weapon  
Gonna get through

Read more: PETRA - SECRET WEAPON LYRIC

 

Then there's "Get On Your Knees and Fight like a man" by Petra

 

Out on your own with your own self reliance
You've got no one to watch your back
You find yourself caught with no strong alliance
You've been left open for attack
Over your head the condition is graver
You've given ground you can't retreive
The cards are stacked and they're not in your favor
But you've got an ace up your sleeve
[Chorus]
Get on your knees and fight like a man
You'll pull down strongholds if you just believe you can
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
Your enemy will tuck his tail and flee
Get on your knees and fight like a man
Under the gun you've got no place to hide out
Backed in the corner on your own
This is one storm you are destined to ride out
One way to leave the danger zone
You've got the backbone to fight this tide
You've got the will to survive
You've got the weapon, it's at your side
You've got to learn to confide

 

Man this blog is all over the place

When my daughter shoots me a quick prayer, I feel it. No need for thick words and a deep toned voice. 

What happens when my prayer isn't answered the way I really wanted it to be? Back in 2010 we were praying for prosperity for my video company and I ended up closing it. We had a terrible year, why? According to us it was terrible, but through God's eyes he was doing things that we couldn't see yet. It's like digital vs. analog. You can't see it until you get a converter. I am mortal and God is eternal, when it's time for me to see, he'll convert it for me and I'll see. He'll open my eyes.

Hits me, even if I don't feel righteous, I am still His child, he wants me to use this secret weapon regardless of how I feel or what mood I'm in. He wants me to get on my knees and fight like a man.

I'll kneel to tape a cable down but why do I have trouble kneeling to pray? God doesn't care how I pray as long as He hears my heart. However kneeling does provoke more prayers for some reason. He wants me to see this life through His eyes, He's the only one that open them.

Rational Relationship

God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

2 Peter 1:3 NLT

At first I'm thinking, a godly life? Then the word "living" sticks out, and then as I read it again  and the word "everything" sticks out. It's like the full packet, its the job description. It's getting ready for a gig and taking all my stuff. I'm not sure what I'll need. I'm one of those guys who learns a different way. I learn when I'm not planning on learning. Sip some coffee, I read and think.

I got a redbox txt yesterday and decided to pick up a movie. I have a list of movies I don't have yet and some that Susan wants. However I couldn't find any at the redbox so I chose one that looked intrgueing called Hope Springs with Merryl Streep and Tommy lee Jones. early in the movie due to the context of the film I had to mute it and put the subtitles due the language of the film and our 3 year olds ears. It was about a married couple of 31 years, and their love life was just numb. Kay finds a book and decides to book a week of marriage counseling for her and her husband. Merryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, along with Steve Carell did a phenominal job as expected. I didn't get quite the impact I wanted due to reading the subtitles. But it was real dialogue. It can only make me think of my walk with God. I've been a christian forever. I blog about it all the time. But my relationship with God can get numb. Sure I think and talk with Him alot, but I don't work on it. This couple had a lot of work to do. They were both numb with each other. Arnold didn't learn the way that his wife did. He learned more after they arrived home. He hated this counseling thing. She was hurt by it. How many times have I made God cry, have i hurt God? God's truth is brutal and I don't like it at times. They renew their vows at the end of the movie on the beach which Kay had always wanted. As I think further, I imagine what my closest moments with God have been. Where did they go? I find it so easy to get stuck in my walk with God and just keep living being stuck. I can get frozen in my marriage too. I read and think.

Hits me, as a man I look at Arnold's point of view, and understand how easily it can happen. The guy was just living with his wife, living in his career, didn't value either, just had them. How long have I just been living with God, living in my battles? God wants me to know Him. He's given me everything I need. Yet I somehow think he hasn't. I'm so used to a society of updates that I feel God is the same way. I'm waiting for a new God to come out. When if I just pursue Him, he makes me new. And that's the biggest challenge is pursuing Him, and listening to Him when I don't feel like it.

Bewitched or Befree

Colossians 3:22

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.

 

Interesting passage. It's like just do what the client wants. I'm not really a slave to my client, I do have rules, but still they want what they want. Sip some coffee, I read and think.  A few different movies come to mind in this. I think of Amazing Grace and the slave trade that was going on. Then I'm kind of reminded of the movie Bewitched with Will Ferril and Nicole Kidman. We've been watching it recently. It gives a good look into the tv show industry on how quickly things can change on the set. Nicole plays Elizabeth Bigelow, a witch that really wants to be a normal person. She auditions for the role of Samantha on the remake of Bewitched. Her whole goal is to be with Will Ferril and to be normal. Using no powers. This works for a little bit, and then Will Ferril (jack white) reveals how much of a jerk he is. She then resorts back to her powers to make him like her and the unexpected happens. She learns that she didn't need and really didn't want to have things happen like this. She makes things normal as though they never happened. She confronts him on his attitude, which to everyones surprise, he submits. How many times have I done my own thing and regretted it? Or if I was being manipulated and I wouldn't take it? How many times has my focus been off of God? Not many, but is has. Or its on God and I still do the wrong thing. After Elizabeth realizes that she shouldn't have made jack white like her. She reversed it and let things happen. I know I can't reverse things so they never happened but that's why I have to strive to keep committed to God. Even when I screw things up, he's not surprised, because he planned that too.

Hits me, sure I can live my life according what I want to live it for. I can have my standards and my routines to make sure I have control. It will have its season. But if I'm not in seeking God's direction throughout it, I can't think clearly. As soon as Elizabeth quit controlling her world, she became happier. I need to be a slave to God and He'll remove the thoughts of being a slave to my job or anyone else. I can bewitched in my own way or befree in God's way. What a battle.

Freedom to Breach

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love

Galatians 5:13 NLT

Very clever scripture. live in freedom, but don't take advantage of it with my sinful nature. use it for good. Sip some coffee, I read and think. The word "satisfy" stands out to me. And then  I see again the word "called". I'm reminded of Breach. A true story about the capturing of FBI agent Robert Hanssen who is caught selling secrets to the soviet union.  Robert cover's his secrets up by portraying a great family man life style. He's always involved with the investigation of a mole in the system. Yet all along he know's that he's the mole. After he's caught, they ask him why he did it. He says, the "why" doesn't mean a thing does it? I proved our security sucks. To Breach is to rupture, to break, a violation, break trust.

How many times have a I broken trust with God. I have proven to myself that I suck as a christian. I've proven  that I can do anything that I want at anytime. But, I've been called to live in freedom, yet I take that and satisfy my sinful nature. I should be using it to serving others. Which I do, don't get me wrong. I wonder what made Robert Hanssen decide to breach. He was one of the head agents, he knew all the rules, he knew the system. And that's why he did it, because he could. I've been a christian forever, I can go into any church and feel at home. I can fit right in, I know the motions. But, am I still satisfying my sinful nature? Of course.   Robert Hanssen makes a comment that stuck out to me though. "Now, could the mole be someone from the Bureau, not the CIA? Of course. Are we actively pursuing that possibility? Of course not. Because we're the *Bureau*. The Bureau knows-all. Cooperation is counter-operation, and that's the mentally. Of course the enemies of this country aren't so picky. They'll work with anyone who shares their hatred of us. The Bureau hasn't learned that lesson yet."

Hits me, Robert Hanssen was angry and knew how to cover everything up. Why, don't I live in freedom, am I so angry that only my sinful nature can relate? I feel free to be satisfied in my sinful nature while I serve others? Yet I feel miserable. God's freed me from this anger and from the things that draw me to my sinful nature. Even though I know i can sin, I shouldn't. I need to live in the freedom and love everyone because that's my calling, not my obligation. Even if I'm angry, God knows and that's why he continues to call.

You call this fighting? We're finally starting to talk - Rod Tidwell

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:16 NLT




At first I'm reminded of a time with God study I've been pursuing these last 10 years. The pastor that married us introduced me to this "time with God". This scripture was among many that I read every day of the week. Sip some coffee, I read and think. The word boldy sticks out to me, everything else just falls in after that. When I have come boldly to God? If I need help, I will go to someone and get to my point with boldness. If have to be honest, I will be honest. I'm not very direct but I am bold. Can I drop what I'm doing and go right to God? not always. freedictionary.com defines boldly as: fearless, daring, and courageous. hhmm. I know have done this with God many times. Then there all the many times that I haven't. Then I get scared that he'll do something since I didn't. If I get used to coming boldly I'll be afraid of receiving an answer I don't want and accidentally believe something that isn't true or that I made up in my head.

I'm reminded of Jerry Maquire. Namely the locker room scene when he really gets mad at Rod Tidwell. Near the end he just gets honest and starts kicking things and starts venting to Rod. at the end of the scene, Rod replies "you call this fighting? I think we're just finally starting to talk." Up to this point Jerry was a just a brown noser people pleasing. Until he had a revelation about really what he thought of his career. He shared it with everyone. This got him fired, the rest of the movie brought his true heart to life. It was very powerful. He had to come boldly with his one client, who really had no hope and learn to listen to him about what really mattered in life. Yes, I want the mercy of God and the grace that He has for me. A lot of times i don't want to work for it. It wasn't until Jerry really lost of it with Rod that they started talking. Am I willing to tell God what I think and really poor my desperate heart out to him? not always. It's a challenge because I feel according to scripture I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to be grateful in hard times, and not angry. I'm supposed to hold my feelings in, have a peaceful coping mechanism, and not get depressed. Yet I need to be bold with God. I need to come boldly, not peacefully. I'll get mercy after I come.

Hits me, Jerry was thrown out by surprise, and was fighting to keep the wrong thing in tact. He needed to look at his life and not his career. He lost all of his clients but one. The one he needed to personally listen to. He had to come boldly to Rod and find out his own flaws. When I have been faced with only God to go to? I need to come boldly and just let him know what I think. It hurts and its depressing, because I feel what does God know? Then I feel Him tell me, "we're finally starting to talk".

Impure Holy Life

God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.

1 Thessalonians 4:7 NLT

I was thinking of bitterness this morning. Then I read this scripture and it occurred to me that I can become bitter when living an impure life. As I sip coffee and read and think, I'm reminded of a christian teen movie my dad lent me a month ago or so. I finally watched it yesterday with my film critics mind and christian film critic mind. The movie was called "to save a life". It hit on a ton of areas that are in the news these days. teen suicide, sex, abortion, cutting, adoption, partying, drugs, church judgement, high school acceptance, popularity. The acting was subpar as expected but the message was good. The one question that came up throughout in my head was "how are teens reacting to this?" I mean I'm the producers age. So sure I can say "wow, good message" but I'm not them. After reading the facebook comments, it did hit the teens hard.  I read and think. I find myself in this battle of holiness vs. impurity everyday of the week. As a grown man, sure I'm not facing what teens face, but I'm similar. This verse is as simple as it gets, and I complicate it. I find myself having trouble accepting God's love and calling on me. He's called me to live a holy life. Why do I have a problem with that?  In the movie, Jake was famous, he had reason to not want God, but after he knew he could have probably stopped his childhood friend from suicide, he made some practical life decisions. Why do things like that have to happen in life? We were born impure. That's why God has called us to live holy. Because we're impure. He's the pure one.

Impurities are the particles in my life that find there way into my heart by circumstance. I don't even know it at times either. Then I get hurt, angry, bitter, resentful, selfish, proud, etc. Then there's God knocking again. Hey I've called you to live a Holy life. It's like being sick, I need water, even though coffee sounds real good. I really need water. just plug me into an iv and have water constantly be coming in. I wish I could hook up to God's iv of grace and always have it automatic despite what I'm doing. It's a choice I have to make unfortunately. Sometimes its easier than others. Then there's the other avenue of not feeling worthy because i'm living an impure life and therefore I can't be a listening ear. I feel worthless to others. I feel my life needs to be saved first, and that could take years. Then I go on moping around waiting for the moment of being saved. When God's still knocking that he's already saved me and wants me to be holy. I just refuse to accept that.

Hits me, sure I can bounce back and forth between holy and impurity all my life. God will always be calling me to holiness and he uses those impurities to do it. Therefore I need to pursue God and the impurities will come to refine me and remind me that I'm no different than anyone else.

Merciful Manipulation

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

Psalm 103:8 NLT

I feel like I've read all these scriptures, yet I struggle and sin, and debate with myself. I find myself in a lot of anger lately. I'm just mad, I recently found out why too. I'm a victim of manipulation. I've been puzzled why my ears been flicked, why I've been shoulder bumped, chest  bumped, or head smacked throughout my life. I just couldn't imagine someone having so much confidence that they are right, that they will make anyone believe them. They make it all about them, yet they make it about you. It's really strange. I'm a nice guy, and couldn't imagine trying to manipulate someone into my ways or to do something for me. That's so mean and wrong. Then it hit me that, its their insecurity.  I'd like to see two manipulators together. That reminded me of the church. Then my wife stopped me because I wasn't all accurate. Then the images of every bully started appearing. I was enraged. Then I read this verse. I read and think.

Both of us are insecure and looking for acceptance, we react to rejection in different ways, they both hurt. what is pain for? Then I think of Christ and how he went through pain while on earth. He was born in a manger (very bad conditions). The scriptures state I need to be like Christ, let Christ live in in me. I feel like I'm in star wars and Obe-one canobi is instructing me. I feel like Luke, "i''ve learned so much and now I need to go". I read and think, then I find myself trapped in the memories of the many manipulators I've dealt with.

Hits me, no matter how squashed my heart gets, or deformed I feel, or stuck or whatever I feel. It's what God thinks of me and not how someone is trying to manipulate me. Can I handle the numb feeling I get when the manipulation kicks in and I feel like strangling and mangling the person doing it? The same merciful lord that is after me is after them too. Because really, we're both angry. We both are searching for compassion and want that unfailing love but are trapped. The whole thing of praying for the bully, thats a whole other story.

Hugo

Come and see what our God has done, what awesome miracles He performs for people!

Psalm 66:5 NLT

Its been a crazy few weeks in our home. Last week we were in the hospital with Shayne, she gave us her flu and now she's better this week and mommy and daddy are struggling with it as we continue to work. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I first thought it said, God will make a way. But I find it saying "look back and see what God did". How many times have I thought the other. I'm always in the mindset of "I'll see what God is going to do" How he'll use me. But I don't look back and see how I got to where I was. I look back too much at wonder why I'm not where I want to be. It's really weird. I'm very optimistic, I'm always looking to see where God wants me and my servants attitude but I have a hard time looking at my past and thanking God for it and seeing the awesome miracle he performed.

I'm reminded of the movie Hugo. I got it for Christmas from my mother in law and after seeing bits a pieces of it over a 3 week period, I really enjoyed it. Hugo is a boy who's dad has died. Prior to his dads death, they had both discovered, kind of a robot, and were in the process of fixing it. Hugo begins fixing the robot on his own by stealing different mechanical toys from a toy shop. He is fascinated by the owner and simply won't leave him alone. Once the robot is fixed it begins to draw strange pictures that Hugo brings to the owners attention. The pictures reveal the owners past as a magician and a movie maker. At first he's very upset with Hugo, Hugo eventually comes across a film historian who is a big fan of the owners films. This meetings ignites a film tribute night for the owner that was 30 years in the making. Hugo finds a new home with owner and his grand daughter (i forgot to mention her). How many times have I just left my past behind and hated it? Why don't I look for God in it? Hugo was only trying to finish what his dad and him had started, he wasn't expecting to find a new family to be part of. The owner was expecting to just be a toy collector and leave his glory days behind. As I look back at my past, I need to see how God was there, sure I'll be resentful and angry and try to figure out what happened, then what?

Hits me, sure by habit I'm going to be angry one way or another about how I was raised or why I was rejected, or I made this choice or that one. Or why I was treated a certain way. God was there, I was miserable, but now he's made me who I am, and He's constantly knocking on me for the move, so when I look back and see Him there, and not a mess.

Behind the scenes

Hebrews 4:14-16

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 

 

At first I'm not sure what to think as always. However this morning I impulsively searched for behind the scenes in the movies. This scripture really makes me think of the behind the scenes in my life. The things that make me who I am. I'm also reminded of when I get into production and get my lighting out. I love creating that interview scene, setting up that shot. Whenever I watch a movie with special features, I'm always interested to see how they made everything. I like to see what the director was thinking, even watch the movie with commentary about a certain scene. Whenever I'm in production i try to take photos of the set as well.  To me the makings is what makes the editing possible. I find I see christ the same way. He's behind the scenes living in me. I ignore him like I do the credits. All these people in this long scroll which I simply just turn off and eject the dvd or leave the theatre. These are the people that made everything. These are the camera people, make up, set designers, the people that created the movie world for my enjoyment, which took years to make. Yet I only look at the actors, the people that are made to look good. I find myself not even thinking about the credits. When I produce videos, the credits are as important as the video. Giving credit is huge or else I'll look terrible. I read and think. Here's Christ's example of unity. How he directs me is up to him. I can go on in this movie I call life and Christ will knock on my heart and say do this or do that. Listen to your wife, or say no to this job, or we need to talk because you're getting out of character. When Christ yells cut, I need to stop. His example on earth was what I need to follow, and he'll show me each scene. 

 

Hits me, I love behind the scenes photos, I love telling peoples stories. What about telling Christ's work in me? I find I have to give credit to where credits due. Christ is behind the scenes, he wants me to seek his direction in my life, not him seeking my direction.  I can't live his life without Him directing me or the people who puts in my life to help protect me. Oh I will try, believe I'm really good at that.