Living Eternally

“God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.” 1 John 4:9 NLT

I've never understood this one. I really haven't. I think I've read and heard ones like these so many times, the meaning just swept by. I'm a little tired this morning, slept ok, not the best, a lot on my mind last night. I've always got a lot on my mind. Sip some coffee, I read and think, yesterday I helped Susan put on a baby shower for one her best friends. She was very nervous, she didn't feel quite prepared enough for it. She had already done a wedding shower for her friend, so I wasn't very worried. When Susan gets that opportunity, she runs with it. This side of her comes out that I don't see alot (due to downsizing twice). Real creative and thoughful. I was her assistant and just had to set stuff up and try keep her from stressing out. I was also the MC and the photographer. About 40 women showed up and had a great time. Yet on the way home, she continued to ask me, did they have fun? Did they like it? Absolutely. Women coming to together to celebrate new life coming into the world. I read and think, Why don't I get excited when I read this verse? Why do I get excited when I open up a present? When a baby is born? Is eternal life a has been, message? Susan did a lot of work to celebrate her friends first born. Hits me, baby's bring life into a crowd of adults, they remind me to slow down and enjoy this place. Eternal life isn't just going to heaven, it's the one thing that I can't give myself, I can't order it online, I can't drink it, eat it. It's given to me as a gift. It's showered on me by friends and family in love. It's God's perfecting timing in my weakest moment and giving me a taste of heaven. It's God using someone in my life despite how stubborn I am. It's Him using me in someones life unexpectedly. It's me believing in things I can't see. It's a baby shower. It's feeling loved. It's like on Beauty and the Beast, when the beast was transformed in the end. Through a long process of being brought to all humility and emptied of all anger and frustration, and then he was set free and back to the way he was intended. He would have never though. I get so caught up in trying to making a better life for my family that I forget the life God wants to live in me and share it with others. And once I finally surrender what I call a future and choose to obey, it's then I start seeing that His is the only way. My way was practical and good, but His way was much more established.

The Music Man

“If you plan to do evil, you will be lost; if you plan to do good, you will receive unfailing love and faithfulness.” Proverbs 14:22 NLT

Again, I'm quick to judge those who do evil and not myself. I'm tired this morning, didn't sleep well. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm using my route 66 mug today. I'm reminded of the Music Man. One of my favorite movies growing up. About a traveling salesman who' reputation is terrible among the cities. Professor Harold Hill is a music man and he sells clarinet to the kids in the town with big trombones and the rat-at-tat drums, big brass bass, big brass bass, and the piccolo, the piccolo with uniforms, too with shiny gold braid on the coat and the big red stripe runnin.... He sales the idea of making a band and the whole shubang to small towns, guranteeing to teach them to play and march. As soon as he gets the money for all the gear he splits town. All the traveling salesman find out about this guy and are out to get him becuause he's giving them a bad name. This all goes as planned until he tries River City, Iowa. After he walks the streets they tell him, "so what the heck your welcome, glad to have you with us, even they we may never mention it again". He meets the librarian who's a lot smarter than the other people, he falls for her but she won't give him the time of day. He ends up getting the whole town around his finger with the concern of a Pooltable, when the board members attempt to get his credentials he persuades them to say Good night to the ladies. He then goes to the town meeting and gets the whole place wrapped up in his sales pitch of 76 trombones in a big parade. Everyone's hooked except her. He think's he's even more clever when he shares his learning to play an instrument method called "the think system". She eventually falls in love with him, (mainly after the Wells Fargo wagon arrives with the instruments) and helps him believe that using his own abilities or "the think system". He could make a band, he could do good. Hits me, sometimes I get into a rut where I think I'm just terrible, I'm angry at myself, frustrated with people, confused. I can totally be living according to what I call a lie, but God is still watching me and will eventually come through and show me I had what it took the whole time.  It's my own think system that He's developing and configuring for Him as I (without thinking )try to live for me in those moments. In the end after all my junk is done I'll only want to give unfailing love and faithfulness to those around me, since the author of love allowed me to venture out be lost.

Bruce Almighty

“For the commandments say, “You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not covet.” These—and other such commandments—are summed up in this one commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” Romans 13:9-10 NLT

All that stuff and just love your neighbor? If only it were that simple. I was able to leave work early yesterday, so it was nice to have time with family, which included bachelor watching. I used to like the show because it wasn't about my life, but now I'm sick of it. Love doesn't work that way and for people to think it does? are just foolish. I'm drinking generic breakfast blend this morning since starbucks is still crazy expensive, so I'm not really enjoying sipping coffee. Sip some generic coffee, I read and think. I'm honestly reminded of Superman. His big line during the movie,  "all those things I can do, All those powers. And I couldn't even save Him". He couldn't save the ones he loved most. This coffee sucks. I read and think, I'm also reminded of Bruce Almighty. this news reporter who just wants to get promoted into anchor and doesn't get it. God begins calling him and he finally responds out of annoyance and God lets him take his job for a week. Bruce takes care of his stuff first and the God interrupts him and asks him what he has done for other people, nothing. Bruce then tries to just make everyone happy and at the end of the movie discovers he won't be happy unless he follow God instead of himself. I was raised to be on the look out. Be smart, don't do anything stupid. I keep myself pretty clean. I'm routined oriented, I can feel when I need to make a move to be proactive and I do usually. I can only take that so far, yet my selfishness comes out. I read and think, Hits me, Superman couldn't save his earthly dad, but he had the power to love, he could prevent almost every bad thing from happening or just reverse everything. Bruce Almighty had to learn to love everyone but himself (yet God didn't stop him from being selfish). I'm so used to walking away and looking back at the people that I don't like, who have wronged me, who I have wronged. God wants me to turn around, go back to them and love them? I'm used to keeping them in my thougthts for months on end, not confronting them. Yet that's what summs it up? Thats not fair. I need to learn to love the people I've wronged and have wronged me, I find myself building up such walls. God has given me the abilties to do all kinds of things but only He can save them. He just wants to love them through me is all (man I hate that). Forget this earthly love that Bruce new about, we're talking about Godly love now, that kind that only He can live through me.

Girl Crazy

“Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.” 1 John 4:11-12 NLT

I'm not sure of what to think of this one either. The whole bible throws me off at times. We all slept better last night after a fun episode of SNL that is, still congested but Shayne and I should be better in a week. I'm honestly reminded of all the girls I've liked in my life. All the infatuation, all the feelings, flirting, all the chemistry, all the hurts, all the miscomunication, all the lead ons.etc.Man am I glad those days are over. I was girl crazy from day one. I just got along better with the girls. Sure I got along with the guys, but I felt the girls accepted me alot faster than the guys. I wasn't good in sports, wasn't good academically, I wasn't talented the way other guys were, to be accepted like them.  There were a few guys who were cool though growing up. If I didn't make sense, they were cool with it. Other's were just jerks. What I saw in the movies, the bible, on tv and in songs, was all knowledge of Love. I remember liking a girl in High school. Looking at her picture while listening to Petra's love. I remember not feeling anything for her, I was so used to the soundtrack in movies perfectly timed for that one big moment. I longed for that. I didn't see it though, but I thought I should at least have a moment where I can simulate a scene like it. I felt empty, nothing there, I was expecting true love like from the Princess Bride. I read and think, my biggest problem was loving people. I was such a crowd floater, sure I could help people out but I didn't love them. Each year at camp was a year of "what girl is it going to be this year". Just ask any of the old camp gang. I was terrible. Then I'm reminded of my time at Bodenseehof after High School, when while in my state of confusion of God over there. One week a girl came to my mind and I was scared to death of why she was on my mind. Did God wanted me to marry her? I was sick to my stomach. It stalled my whole week. I did notice her attitude had changed. She wasn't happy like she usually was. Friday I asked how she was doing, and she explained to me what was wrong. She simply needed prayer. I was too weak in faith to give it to God and just pray for her until then. Hits me, God's love is way different than the things that influence me and convince me what love is. He loves his children and wants to use them to communicate His love to each other. There are no personal attachments needed but obedience to Him and his calling at the moment. I'm so lost in that at times. My love is conditional and baseed on my feelings but His isn't, Its about Him and His life in me. His love is for His purpose and so am I. Since God lives in me, He's going to show me how He loves people, (especially the ones I can't stand)and that's when I'll see how He truely expresses His love as He reveals to me in time how He was always my first love. Sure i was infatuated and lonesome and everything, God's desire is to love the people I meet with the way he made me. Some things need to be forgotten and some ways need to be learned, and with His help, and with lots of wisdom and understanding. I'll know exactly how and why He made us cross paths.

Love's Gravitational pull

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”Romans 8:38-39 NLT

At first I'm thinking, yet I still don't believe it or get it. I still have trouble with God's love. My cold is almost gone, just need more rest. I read and think, I'm reminded of an entertainment group called Fighting Gravity. They perform with  black lights and simulate antigravity shows. It's very cool. It wouldn't be cool if it was possible to beat gravity. I would love it, if I could learn how to fly. Rigging at work and focusing lights would be so much easier, If we could turn gravity off. In a way God's love is like gravity to me, it will always be there. I can't get rid of it, no matter what, gravity will always keep me down. How many times have I not accepted God's love for me. Thinking I'm a terrible person, and idiot, just waiting to die, God can't handle this, life is too tough right now, the economy can't get better, the government is all screwed up. I then have to realize that I need to forget about what ever happened and move on. God always throws things in my face and I don't see them. I used to fear so many things, I don't anymore but when I used to, I almost thought that God was overwhelmed with stuff. I wouldn't even believe scripture at times. Why can't I accept God's love. It's like I don't accept the fact that I can't fly. I have to, I can jump up and down all I want but I still land. I can be as fake of a person as I want, I can run away from God, do what I think is bad, and see what He thinks. It's like I'm fighting God at times to do things my way, because I think its right, then I choose optimism as to relax, that worked a lot. It also tells me how to have faith. I read and think. Hits me, gravity isn't going anywhere, to simulate floating, you almost have to glow in the dark and fake it. God is going to pull me to himself all my life with His own arms, whether I like it or not, He'll put people in my life in my own language and in His own way to just show me, nothing is stronger than His Love for me and He'll always be there.

Goodbye My Looove - Dumb and Dumber

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” Romans 8:35,37NLT

That's a good question. It also goes with that age old one "if God is so good then why is the world so bad?" Why do bad things happen to good people? Why did  I get a flat tire today in rush hour with my daughter in the car, and in my pajamas? Does Christ still love me? I'm almost over this cold. I read and think, drink some juice.  I think too many times about life problems. Sickness, conflict, every day things. I deal with them, I call them "life". But what are they really? Maybe I'm thinking too much about stuff? I'm reminded of Dumb and Dumber. By far my most favorite movie ever (next to the Sound of Music of course). Good ol Harry and Lloyd. Two low lifes, that were dumber than a nut who just wanted to get a briefcase back to its owner. They had no idea what was in it, till later in the movie. So many things happened to them along the way, Lloyd sells his dead parakeat to blind kid, Harry throws salt over his shoulder to prevent bad luck from happening, Lloyd goes with his instinct and welcomes a drifter (who happens to be the bad guy, then accidently kills him), Harry trades the van for a minibike straight up. They about killed each other all for the love of Mary Swanson. They made some pretty dumb decisions and ended up with only each other at the end. Crazy things will happen to me and I'll do my best to make a good decsions and a smart one to fix it. Usually things work out, but I forget about God, I forget to think where he's at. I find myself kicking into challenge gear and fixing whatever broke. Then I find things that aren't broke and try to fix them. Lloyd had a passion for Mary, from the moment he saw her, He liked her. When she left the briefcase alone, he saw his chance, but had no idea what he was about to get into. Lloyd had this childlike kind of love that only happens when you're young and at time I forget about. I put my adult brain on and forget about sometimes who I really am. I find myself being fake about things without knowing it. Hits me, oh crazy things will happen to me, but I need to see where Christ's love is, and where mine should be. I'll get upset, frustrated and then in the end, I'll see what was really going on. As Lloyd drove away from the airport he noticed Mary walking and said with his hand reaching out "Goodbye My Looove" and then crashed the car which was the beginning of the adventure. Thus is the beginning of my adventure when getting out of my car, seeing how God's going to love me today. And hope I can remain strong through it.

Preaching to the choir

This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11 NLT

This seems simple, then why do I have trouble with it? I've been sick the past few days, feeling better today, but not quite of to par. Shayne has bronchiolitis (she was wheezing), so she has an inhaler as needed. So far she hasn't really needed it. But she's been sleeping well and been herself. Susan's been the only fully well one this time. Not drinking much coffee this week due to a cold so this is going to be interesting. I read and think, I find myself being understanding of guys at work when they're under the weather. I've been there, I can't stand when someones arrogant and claims they never get sick. At home I'm the same way, when you feel like crap you  feel like crap. Then there's the personality differences. I have found it easier to work with people who share my same work ethic than to work with people who don't. Then I think of church people, for some reason it's a whole different ballpark. It shouldn't be but it is for me. It's like this underworld of hidden talent just screaming to get out. My growing up years were the hardest. I'm also reminded of Forrest Gump and the Princess Bride. Forrest knew what love really was. Wesley new true love. If love has been heard from the beginning, then why, is it so difficult? Why do I have to be reminded? Am i fake? Am I just loving to love? Because I'm told to? At work I've found myself getting competitive with knowledge of equipment, and church knowledge of God (I can't stand it when someone shows me a scripture one on one and spends 20 minutes telling me how to read the bible) I'm like "you're preaching to the choir" why can't I love them and say "thank you". Both places are tough. Then at home it's being selfish. Hits me, Love was from the beginning because God is the beginning, and He is love, and I get that mixed up. If I don't focus on God, my feelings about people whoever and wherever they're and whatever they've done to me will be judged by anything and not by how God sees them. I'm so quick to tell God "take a break, I'll take this one" that I don't take a moment and see them through His eyes as He's said from the beginning.

I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston

““For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16NLT

Oh yes, the king of all verses. John 3:16. This is like F word in swearing. I never really understood what this was all about. I'm drinking 8 oclock coffee today, not my favorite but it works. I read and think, This by far was the most confusing of the scriptures. It seems so simple but what is it saying? How could someone make something beautiful, watch it go to crap and continue to love it. The only reason why that would happen is if they had it planned the whole time. I think power and money, fame, success, etc. make me feel settled and established, yet there's always this void thing missing. Why would someone plan to make a place beautiful give it away, have it trashed, and the send there son to show how to it should be later to keep it from perishing. They kill him only so he can save them. It's almost as though God made us in his own image, therefore the way He designed me was to question believes, get confused, search and research for that He is the only answer. Pretty much challenge him, which they did and then killed him, which was his plan that way He could conquer the very thing they couldn't control, death. Did God the love the world more than his own son? In our language it was his son, but in His language He was His son. I can only think of the love songs that thousands of artists have written over the years. Whitney Houston's song, I will always love you, comes out of course. Namely because she passed away a few days ago. But as I read the lyrics, Hits me. This is me talking to God, saying I'm fine where I'm at and God is too, God doesn't need me, I don't need Him. Let me go. I know what I'm doing. but, I'll always love Him. How many times have I shut the door on God and said, this believe stuff doesn't work for me, I'm different than you are. I remember those days, such confusion, I just wanted to do nothing, and watch movies, drive somewhere, be me. I'm reminded of the plane trip I took to Germany in '95. I was scared to death, I seriously thought that once I entered Europe my mind would reset and I would forget everything I had ever learned (I watch too many movies). When that didn't happen I just didn't know what to do. So I took my camera out and started shooting. Through that shooting, God revealed Himself to me. After several months, I spoke to a lecturer about it, and he told me, "you didn't realize that you didn't leave God in the U.S. because He was waiting for you when you arrived here." Hits me again.  I'm going to bounce all around God on a pogo stick in my life, following him and not, following him and not, and He knows that. Even when I think i'm listening and I'm not, He's knows it. I Strive and Strive to follow His lead and not my own. I have no idea that I'm perishing at times, but I am, He knows that. Christ waited 30 years to begin. That was part of the plan. I never expected the good guy to win by dying. Usually the good guy gets freed by his friends and beats the crap out of the bad guy. In this case conquerering death was win that no one knew about. In my "death" moments, when I feel there's no way out, he shows me in the most of loving ways that He's got me, He knows that I love Him, even when I hurt Him, He knows that. Especially when I want to perish, He knows it. Its all part of His plan to live his life in me.

Feelings in the form of a question

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NLT

With Valentines day around the corner, it figures that Biblegateway.com is throwing love verses at me. I slept good last night, not enough sleep but I wasn't woken up. Sip some coffee, (i need it this morning). I read and think, I can only think of Barry Whites "can't get enough of your love, babe." I also can remember how hard it was to tell my dad I loved him when I was a kid. It was tough to be polite, to say not "can I", but "may I". I never understood love until I studied God, and then I really never understood it until I got married. And even now, I still don't understand it at times. DC talk had there song, Love is a Verb.  Petra had there's, Love. Then there's of course Love is a Weapon, and love stinks. I look at this, and I think, I'm not patient at times, I'm not kind all the time, I get jealous, I boast, I'm proud at times, oh I can be rude. I demand my own way at times, I get irritated, believe me I track everything.  I read and think, I remember hearing in so many sermons, love being replaced with God. God is patient, etc. But what about me? Why do I love things? I love this coffee, I love this chips and salsa. I love this software. I have my friends, because I get along with them.  I find I confuse love with good chemistry. In the animal kingdom its all about reproduction. In human kingdom, it starts with chemistry and how you get along with someone. What qualifies someone to earn love? I told my wife I was in love on our first date. She told me she loved me 3 months later. I remember in childhood and into my teen years of how girl crazy I was. If I was attracted to a girl and she was to me, I spared no seconds and went in for the kill.  No patients, lots of kindness, and then it ended because I was too aggressive. Forget this two, three month deal crap, I wanted her now. And everyone knew it. Probably why it took me until I was 31 to get married. Hits me, I've got reason to be jealous, proud, rude, demand my own way, be irritated, track everything, but when I've done that, I feel terrible later. Yet those are the areas that I really fight for to keep away from. God is the author love, and in his book, it's not based on feelings about someone or something, it's based on Him and His way of destroying them. It's not me basing it upon my feelings about the situation at the moment. I've learned in marriage that a question a lot of times doesn't require a logical answer but me validating her feelings (when I remember that is).  It's about me letting Him love through me, and really letting Him, and in that I'll experience His love for me and be patient and kind to those around me (as much as I can at least). He'll teach me discernment and give me wisdom and reveal to me why things happen. He'll draw me to Himself and I"ll strive to obey understand what He's all about.

The Power of Love

“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.”1 Corinthians 13:1-3 NLT

This ones part of the love chapter. A lot of thoughts come to mind here, I really have a problem with this i think. Late night of work, 4 hours means I want a nap. The coffee is slowing kicking, this blog might take some time. I'm reminded of a moment during Mexicali 1994 that I'll never forget. We had been playing with the kids all morning and were going to lunch. Usually we would have to drive far away to find a park, but this little village had stuff pretty close by. Well the kids followed us and would not leave us alone. Our translator Gloria was just exhausted from the morning and was napping. The kids just weren't letting up and we became frustrated and angry, so our leader asked Gloria if she could tell them it was lunch time for us. Gloria went over to them and said a phrase and they were gone. We all looked at her in amazement and said, "what in the world did you say". she said , I told them "we love you, we'll back to play in an hour". I felt like an idiot. Where was my love? Why couldn't I think of that? I was so selfish in thinking I wanted to eat. I didn't even know how to love. I only knew how to love things that were easy. Things that I could love with my peers, but not alone. I read and think, I'm reminded of when I first began to see study God, I discovered it first through my viewfinder, I wasn't shooting my friends anymore,.  I was interested in everyone now. As I shot footage, and got ready for post, I wanted to have everyone in the video, not just people I thought would make the video look cool. It felt awkward at first but then the video became something better. Hits me, I'll discover skills and study other technologies, but if I don't study God along with them, knowledge of them just won't mean as much and my attitude will be numb. I'm not a natural at loving people, and that's why I need God's help. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I have to strive to seek God who created love because He is love. It's His love that He really wants to use through me in whatever way He chooses at the moment even if I don't realize it. And that's the power of His love. like from Back to the Future and Huey Lewis.

1. 2. 3. Out To In

Dear brothers and sisters, we can’t help but thank God for you, because your faith is flourishing and your love for one another is growing.” 2 Thessalonians 1:3 NLT

At first, I'm thinking, who am I to judge that? Not a good night of sleep, but I'm up anyway at my usual time. Shayne has a blood appt today, so I'm praying that the counts are coming up hopefully. I read and think, I'm reminded of the first time I started learning about home theater. I was coming from a PA background and home  theater was a way different avenue. I thought it was the same thing but it wasn't. I remember a few other guys in the class arguing with the teacher about needing to know watts and ohms and such.  But he said, not necessary.  I turned around and told them that it doesn't make sense but its necessary. In a Church pa, you'll dealt the watts and ohms per speaker for to the size and qty of the amp, everything had to match or else, you'd blow something. In Home Theater, everything was adjusted in the amp, you went from a 2 channel amplifier with no built in mixer (unless you had a powermixer, which in that case, the amp is built in) for church stuff, to a 5.1 reciever for you home theater where you get a remote because everything is built in to it, no need for a sound board, you plug a dvd player into it. Your movie becomes the sound mixer almost. The whole venture was such a contrast and adventure for me. As I began selling systems to people, I developed step by step processes so they could take there gear home and wire it themselves. One concept I showed them was 1. 2. 3. Out to IN. If you they could follow that, in that order, they could wire anything up. They had to come out of there dvd player and into there Reciever, not the other way around. Hits me, I'm not going to appreciate and love it when my fellow brothers and sisters are growing if I don't come out with my sins and pride and let God in to open my eyes to see them through Him. I can fake it, and just be happy, but it won't be real. I can't pretend i'm an in or out. I want to sometimes, why can't I plug my blu ray player into the back of my old tv, why can't I watch my blu ray on a regular dvd player? Out with the old and in with the new it's a simple as that. But the toughest thing I'll ever do it seems.

My own worst enemy

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.”Matthew 5:43-45 NLT

Enemies? me? Never.......ya right. I slept not bad last night, Shayne is just growing like a weed and with almost complete sentences. I really need a hair cut. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm not just reminded of my rejection years in elementary school, but also of certain tasks at work, that really none of the guys like. I'm also reminded of myself. I feel like I'm my worst enemy at times. Yet the movies are covered with scenes about bully's and enemies, there would be no story if there weren't an enemy. Somebody trying to stop them, the big fight between the main villian and hero that everyone waits for. In the Karate Kid, it was Johnny, Back to the Future it was Biff, Star Wars it was Darth Vader, Goonies it was the Fitellis, Indiana Jones it was the Nazis. What is it for me? Sometimes I feel its my thoughts, that fact that I think too much. I'm a thinker. I've learned not to think too much. It's like I've had to learn to filter different things that don't need thinking. I read and think, lol. I'm reminded of sets we do at work. We know how to wire stuff up, we understand the technologies, we developed packages for efficiency so that a room can be set quickly and operational. Yet if my mind is troubled  and upset, I'm non paying attention, it won't matter how efficient I'm trying to be, I can easily not wire something up right. I find myself not being a true child to God, not the way He intended. Pray for my enemies? I was told to do that when I was younger, man that felt awkward. I'd rather pray for someone that's nice to me, rather than someone who's out to get me. I'm amazed of the thoughts I have and how much they haunt me at times. If only I had done this back then, or didn't react like that. It's hard being me, I don't recieve the vibe that I thought I sent. Hits me, I'm going to have enemies all my life, some that I'm aware of, some that I foolishly build up in my head, and some that I thought I was close to that were really just out to get me. God see's everything and is equal to everyone, and I don't need to worry, but do as He says. Man that's not easy. Especially when the enemy is me and I don't even know it.

Loving Evil

“You who love the LORD, hate evil! He protects the lives of his godly people and rescues them from the power of the wicked.” Psalm 97:10 NLT

A few things come to mind with this one and confusion. We celebrated my dads 59th Birthday last night. His Birthday was on Super Bowl Sunday which I had to work, we celebrated the next night. I'm drinking xtra bold starbucks this morning. It's not bad but I can't really taste the flavor just the strength, it was on sale (I wonder why?) I read and think. Sure I love the Lord, but I don't HATE evil all the time, only when it hurts me. Am I being rational? probably. When I'm stolen from, that's evil. When I fell rejected, that's evil.When I'm lied to, that's evil. When credit is due me and its not given, but taken, that's evil. Then I get bitter and resentful, then I'm evil. I love the Lord though, but I still get evil without almost knowing it. I'm reminded of Anieken Skywalker who just wanted to save his wife from dying and was seduced to the darkside becoming evil. He lost all of his limbs battling in anger, sure he became powerful but felt terrible inside. I'm amazed of evil overwhelms me and his so challenging to get out of. I'm reminded of venom in spiderman, he couldn't get that stuff off and just over took him, then I see all the meth billboards around town, its the truth. It takes over you. What's up with wanting that escape? I remember back in the day, I got mad at my family one night, I called some friends and went clubbing. I wanted evil, I was mad. God allowed it, he didn't stop me, he let me. As I slept that night, I was amazed of how haunted I was from the images that i saw and experienced. I just wasn't comfortable. I felt like crap, then on to church the next day, right? There was a moment when I got very mad at my dad, so mad, that I wanted to hurt him, so I just left the house and refused to speak to anyone but one of my sisters and my brother for 3 or 4 months. My goal was to hurt him, but I felt like crap doing it. Over the following weeks I must have recieved calls from 13 guys which I met with about this stuff. It was evident that I was in evil. I wouldn't listen, it was like I had been hit by a stunn gun and numbed. I was brain dead. I was stuck. I sought counseling but didn't listen to it. I felt so alone, i still talked to my friends, but I felt like crap, I slept very well actually, I just wanted to be left alone. In the movies the one who's causing the evil is always laughing in the middle not at then end, they are caught at the end. Why wasn't I laughing? Long story short, we're getting along again, that was a long time ago. Things are clear up now. Hits me, regardless of mad I get, how rebellious I choose to be, how much I want to hurt those closest to me, God's has a plan for me to get out. I'll feel alone, and numb, and just lost. It's just like Aneiken, it didn't matter how angry he was, he knew who his kids were at the end when the mask came off, he was as human as they. They turned him around. He brought 13 men into my life during that hard time, all with different perspectives, but wisdom. I heard a lot of godly wisdom. It was God's way of rescuing me, the kind of rescue where I didn't understand how I could be trapped...but it was His way of showing me His love by allow me to try to love it.  Feels great, you should try it! I'm being sarcastic.

My Superman cape

“Whoever pursues righteousness and unfailing love will find life, righteousness, and honor.” Proverbs 21:21 NLT

Kind of sounds like an army slogan. It also sounds like something superman would say. Only woke up once last night, still need coffee but didn't realize i was almost out this morning. I read and think, when was the last time I pursued righteousness? What is righteousness? Being Right? doing good? up to who's standards? and wh o are they to tell me what I should and shouldn't do.Yet when I have been nice to someone, I find life, when I don't get upset but keep my cool I feel good and honorful. I'm reminded of a friend back in the day, told me that you earn respect its not asked for or given, its earned. I always like movies where the underdog reveals a hidden talent that only the audience was aware of. I always love to learn about someones talents and when the time comes, connect with them and see what they can do. When I was in 2nd grade, I wanted to be superman, the christopher reeve movies were out and man, Superman was the man, (and then it was He-man, the Karate Kid, Indiana Jones, etc). My friends next door's mom made them superman capes and also gave me one for my birthday. I loved that cape, don't know where it went but I wish I fly. I wish I had the super powers. I had such an imagination, lol, still do. As I grew older the superhero's never left my system, my favorite still remaining superman. I had an insecurity though of learning. School was harder for me and so I spent most my time on videos and learning what I could with that, and just trying to get by. The deadlines in school were just too soon. I just couldn't keep up. And if it didn't apply to me at the time and didn't come easy, I gave no effort.But I had a love for movies and video, because I saw so much potential in them. I also liked to run, I liked to run long distance and fast (I even had a tape entitled "fast tape") At camp one year, I was in a biathalon (swimming and running). I can't swim, I mean, don't tell me to swim 12 laps, it won't happen. Well, I did my best and got out of the pool last, everyone was looking at me like I lost in pity. They had no idea what I had hidden. I had my Petra taped cued up to "fired up", shoes ready, and saved all my energy for the one mile I had yet to run. As soon as I got out of the pool, I was in gear and in my element. I couldn't beat the lead runner James Rhubic, but I came in second, I felt like Eric Littel. Hits me, my superman cape was my security, it brought me into my element of power and control and identity when I was 8 or 9. God used it to allow me to be who He made me in his element. Since then He's used other things to draw me to Him, to help me pursue Him, and experience His unfailing love. And in that only, have I ever found life, righteousness, and honor. Seriously, I can't do this life myself.

Working with the end in mind

“For the word of the LORD holds true, and we can trust everything he does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the LORD fills the earth.” Psalm 33:4-5 NLT

Whenever I read used to read one's like these, I thought I knew what they were saying, these were psalms, right? Happy time verse, pure time, I agree time, things like that. I slept when I got to sleep last night, thats all I can say. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I find myself agreeing with this verse because it's in the bible, and because its true. How many things do I read online and tell to other people. But when it's scripture, I keep my mouth shut. I was watching Robin Williams last night, kind of a documentary. One of his friends said that he takes a subject and walks around it like its a campfire and just starts looking at every element of it at every angle, and just never stops, its hysterical. I find it tough to trust everything God does. I believe He holds true, usually at the end, but its tough during the process. I always try to work with the end in mind. It's a phrase my dad taught me many years ago. He learned it, from a book or tape series I think. It's a good concept "Work with the end in mind". That's how I produce every video I do, I know what the final product will look like, or something like that. These blogs? I have no idea what they will end up to look like, I just think them through. Even at work, we work with the end in mind, the room looks a mess in the beginning, and usually we have a plan or idea of whats to come and keep moving with it. It usually changes a long the way once the client arrives. Then its amazing, the next morning when we're about to kick off, how many more additions there are, and changes. Then were done. We all start analyzing if the changes were aggressive or common? Sometimes common and sometimes aggressive, and we figure out how to make things go smoother the next time around, if needed. We learn though, that somethings we can't predict things. We'll have everything set, and the keynote arrives and doesn't want to stay on stage but walk throughout the audience where there is no light. I remember growing up in church AV and being upset about changes. Those days are over, this is how the industry is, get used to it. Hits me, I'm not going to understand the unfailing love of God until the situations over and I look back. Sometimes I get so caught up in making sure I'm trusting God, that I'm not trusting God. I'm stressing about trusting Him. I need to give him editing time. Walk away, give him space, let Him do His thing. I need to quit breathing over his shoulder and telling him how to guide me. I hate when people do that. Don't tell me how to live my christian life! I guess I send a vibe that says I'm clueless about life or I am not performing the right way or something. People are going to be barking at me all the rest of my life in all elements, and I can fixate on what they're saying on or I focus on where God's leading me and live in his unfailing love striving to trust Him all the way especially when I don't feel He's holding true. And when even through that situation, when the show is over, can I see how He worked and is working on me.

My Gerber

“But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress.” Psalm 59:16 NLT

I never know what to think of these kind. I'm a christian right? and I've experienced him being my refuge when I'm in distress, so am I thankful, did I feel His unfailing love. Sometimes I feel its a different breed of people that experience this. I slept good last night, still tired but I slept good, sip some coffee, I read and think. I can only think of the connections I have with people. Then when I'm trying to find someone to help me, I forget who to look for. How many times have I not gone to God for help when I was in distress? How many times have I? It's crazy when someone comes to mind that I need to ask for help and I don't. Then there are moments when I did ask for help but gave no credit to them. I also can't stand it when I tell someone that did a great job and they say "it's all God" only. I want them to say thank you as well. Why can't I brag about God in public? I can give credit to everyone else, but Him it seems. Why can't I fold my hands above the table when I pray for my food? People are suffering, looking for the answer, yet I'm afraid to give it to them. I remember the everybody duck song "the cure". One of the lines read "he's keeping the cure in his pocket". I've been wearing a multi tool for over 10 years now. My gerber (no not baby food) has always come in handy in so many ways for anyone. I like to have things on me. The guys give me a hard time about it, because I have so much crap on my belt at work. I don't have everything but I mostly everything. Why am I not ready with God? He's power, unfailing love, refuge, safety, all that  stuff. Believe me I can tell when someone needs him. Yet sharing that with people in distress can be wood added to the fire more than water. The hard part is not having that fear. I carry tools because of my experiences without them. I go to God because of my experiences with Him. Hits me, I'm like my gerber and God's, the hand operating it, only He knows how to use me and show me what he see's fit and not me. Then I'll see Him at work even when I feel dull, he can sharpen me in ways I don't even see.

Honey, where's my super suit? - The Incredibles

“That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”” 1 Corinthians 2:9 NLT

A lot of things come to mind in this one. No expectations, how I met my wife, getting ready for a show, good vs. evil. Slept good last night, unfortunately I forgot to adjust my alarm from the previous days, and woke up an hour too early, so whatever. I like the quietness of the early morning, sip some coffee, I read and think. It's time to take the christmas decorations down, I don't set timers (so the lights stay on 24 hours) and now the lights have actually burned out since christmas. The christmas tree is still lit though. There can be no evil without good existing. Even Darth Vader new the power of the force. When in show, I can't have any expectations. I warned my fellow camera man about some settings on the camera this week (which he ignored) and sure enough the director wanted his shot smoother. I'm reminded of Lake Powell 2006, I had just finished our big collection of vacation dvds and had so many expectations of how this new trip would be, I envisioned a huge water skiing day, a big hike day, a massive fishing contest, cliff jumping, etc. Well we had 3 houseboats, but they all wanted to part and do their own thing until the last two days of the trip. One had a good hike they said, a little water skiing, some fishing. I ended up leaving my families boat and spending a day with another just so I could get some shots. I was very disappointed. I learned from that point on, no expectations, the (video turned out very well actually).  I read and think, I'm amazed of much I can plan and rehearse and envision my life ahead with God, yet not let go of what I think is best for me. I'm reminded of the scene from the incredibles, "Honey, where's my supersuit?"

Lucius: Where-is-my-super-suit?
Honey: I, uh, put it away.
[helicopter explodes outside]
Lucius: *where*?
Honey: *Why*, do you *need* to know?
Lucius: I need it!
Honey: Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off doing no derrin'-do. We've been planning this dinner for two months!
Lucius: The public is in danger!
Honey: My evening's in danger!
Lucius: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
Honey: 'Greater good? I am your wife! I'm the greatest *good* you ever gonna get!

Lucius had this instinct to help the greater good, yet he was married and needed to care for his wife, and what a terrible time to have some crazy war going on. On a date night they had been planning for 2 months. Hits me, there can be no evil without good. The enemy is well aware and believes in God completely. That's why he works so hard to get me away from Him. Yet i doubt that God has anything prepared at times. I can stay in control by being optimistic so that I don't freak out when things don't have happen the way I plan them, but that can only last so long. I don't like to stress, I want to have faith. Do I truly love God or just sing like I do? There's a song written for this verse. I sure don't act like it at times when I joke with my coworkers. I need to quit guessing what God is going to do. He just wants me to focus on obeying Him and letting Him live in me and not worry about other things. When I finally give in and not worry about the next minutes, He shows me what He's all about. Sure I can dig my super suit out of the closet and help the greater good (which is needed at times) or I can listen to my wife's feelings which are in the form of a question "why", which is how God wants me to talk to Him. He wants me to vent, so I can experience His true love for me and then I'll know how to live. At least, until it happens all over again.

Living Rythm

““Listen, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.” Deuteronomy 6:4-5 NLT

I've always been confused with ones like these. I always thought, I'm not Israel, doesn't apply. Whoever Israel was, they were always in trouble. Slept good last night, Mommy has her own special way of getting Shayne to bed, and it works almost every time. Sip some coffee, I read and think. This week I'm doing a show for group that is using simple musical instruments to train business leaders on how to conduct business. I kind of laughed because it looked no different than the toys Shayne plays with at daycare. As I was shooting these events taking place, the people's enlightened faces looked no different than my daughters when she's playing with the gawk of inspiration and amazement. It was a mixture of egg shakers, rocks, and different lengths of 3" sch 80 pvc pipe that when hit against your hand made a noise. There was a conductor and he divided the group of 300 people into different sections and instructed them on what to do in what rhythm. As I framed my shots and angles, I was amazed of how so many people were off beat and on beat. Within a half hour they had a combined rhythm and then the conductor slowly reversed it and ended it. They of course opened it up for thoughts about what just happened. Most of the people said, they weren't paying attention to the conductor but either to the rhythm, to other people but eventually to the conductor. The entire session was entitled "working in concert". Then each team was given 30 minutes to create there own 2 min song and perform it. After they all performed, they all brought in 3 concepts of following a leader: chaos, multiple leaders, and creativity. They also had to identify everyone in there group as participants, escapees, prisoners. I read and think, I find myself being out of place. I can't keep rhythm well, I just can't. Israel was the same blood line, as Jesus, Abraham, and David. They were God's chosen people. You'd think they wouldn't have trouble following God, yet they didn't make it to the promise land and God spent more time talking to His own people than anyone else. Hits me, sure I love God with all my heart, soul, and strength. Do I show it, not always, do I need to have team building exercises to remind me? yes, at times. These people were all adults, yet they were instructed to act like toddlers, to go back to square one and bang things together. I get too focused on daily things and end up develping my own rythm instead of following His, I need to keep my eyes on Him and He' ll show me what its like to let Him work my heart, soul, and strength because living this life is a lot better to His beat instead of mine.