What Happened to Your Hand?

Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely

Psalm 67:7-8 NLT

At first I'm thinking, this doesn't apply today but after a little while it did. It reminds me of why I quit attending church. God is my helper, I used to rely on church and not God.  I would be angry with church and not God. I would praise God at church and found it interesting to praise him outside the walls. I found myself looking for a church to fit my needs, when God already did. I found very little real relationships and more surfacey due to the lack of time there. My ADD I couldn't pay attention during the message, which is why I got involved behind the scenes. Then  I feel alone, and the fact the spirit is my helper, I can sing for joy. I have to remember that Jesus didn't start a church, we did. Their a bunch of clubs that I try to fit into. Something just isn't right. I believe some are called, but others are called elsewhere. I'm reminded of the photo entitled "what happened to you're hand?" It's an honest picture of Jesus in a garden with children. He's loving them, and they feel safe. Theirs no steeple, there's no building, they are just loving him and feeling loved.

Hits me, God's got me, he's my helper, he brings people into my life that I respect and me into theirs. He's always knocking on me about things and challenging me with my fears and faith.

Cool Runnings

Psalm 121:5-6

 

The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

 

I have alot on my mind today. It's crazy when you're a husband and a dad. All your insecurities come out, and you don't know where they came from. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I was watching Cool Runnings last night. Even though after research the movie was a true story, but very in accurate. Disney made it into a fun family inspirational film. One of our favorites and at the end of the movie, I was hit like I had never been hit before. Here are these Jamaican's that are totally out of place in Canada. No one excepts them. They had no sled when they arrived for the olympic games. They had a lot against them but they had alot for them. The biggest challenge was really believing in who they were and being ashamed about it.  When I got booted from my previous company with all the work. I was primarily focused on getting the work out and getting it done. Then the question was, should I continue on my own? Am I in huge market right now for video production? The answer was yes. Yet  I was on my own and still am. I began studying business concepts and realized that business operation wasn't a cheat scam to get money from people but a service and a skill learned. While watching the movie, it hit me that these guys were runners and their coach knew that runners would make great bobsledders. Then each of the players were of different personalities. They had to work together and believe in Jamaica amongst all the negativity. Business can't be taken personally because it's business. However business come's in because of my personal effort with the client. In this day and age, it's all about your connection with your client and then it turns professional. It can get really confusing when you have to say no to a friend you just made due to business reasons. It's almost like being professional with your spouse. It just doesn't work. Anything can discourage you. It's amazing what holds me back from being a good husband and father. I don't even realize it until after the argument. Then I'm wondering why I have this problem?

Hits me, the odds were against the Jamaicans in Cool Runnings. I find I'm afraid of success. Yet God is on my side, He's on my right hand, He's with me. He's got me, my fears even though I don't know really what they are at times, I have to confront them and face them. I have to learn new skills that I think are impossible at times.

Argo

Deuteronomy 18:21-22 

 

 

You may say to yourselves, “How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the Lord?”  If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the Lord does not take place or come true, that is a message the Lord has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously, so do not be alarmed.

 

 

This is an interesting verse. I find myself thinking about my believes alot. Susan and i watched "Argo" for the first time on Friday night. We were at the edge of our seats. It was very good. It was best picture last year. Ben Affleck did a great job starring and directing it. Basicly the U.S. Embassy in Iran is invaded and only 6 people escape. They hide at the Canadian Embassy. The U.S. can't figure out how to rescue them. They end up hiring Tony Mendez. The hard part is, he has to get them out in public disguised as a film crew scouting locations for the movie "Argo". At first the 6 Americans along with the U.S. government think this is a joke but let him go with it. I find things seem obsurd to me in my life. Like God why am I doing things this way? This doesn't make any sense. In order for Tony to pull this escape off, he had to get with Warner Brothers and make an actual movie, get it published, screenplays made, everything. Each escapee had a profile to memorize, a whole identity, and take on ownership of this film that would get them out of Iran. It was suicide. The night before, the U.S. canceled the escape. Tony refused and went forward with it. The escapies had to live their roles out now. Whether it was the director, producer, cameraman, writer, screenplay. The Iranians were very cautious and eventually figured them out. But they made it. How many times have I felt stupid about obeying God? He continues to remind me of characters in the bible that felt the same way but continued to obey. I felt the phrase "don't be afraid to be successful" spoken to me this week. Why do I have fear of success? 

Hits me, When Tony Mendez went over to Iran, he had to battle the 6 escapees and persuade them to trust Him. God seems obsurd at times. When he's pulling me to be successful because he knows I have Him in me. I doubt too much, he knows that. He also knows I don't give up. He knows I'm committed. Even when the U.S. canceled the plane tickets, Tony went forward with the plan. Now they had to trust Him. Just like Argo got the 6 people out, is just how God uses things in my life as a way escape and success, the don't make any sense, but make me believe.

Ditching Prayer

Always be joyful. Never stop praying.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 NLT

I have a shirt that has this verse on it. Prayer is a powerful communication with God. It's the hidden weapon, the antidote, yet the most misunderstood and abused concept of time I think I have thought of. I did some research on how to pray, to see what the internet had to say. I found some logical things. http://www.tomorrowsworld.org/booklets/twelve-keys-to-answered-prayer?gclid=CPaUmfmapLUCFUlxQgodd2UANA

This guy states that prayer needs to be honest, deadfully honest. Now I'm afraid to do that. I get confused with the all the "count it all joy when falling into various trials" verses that I should I ever be angry. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Prayer is from the heart. I find myself praying for people and with people and then demanding from people at times. But why? It's my longing for God, my desire for Him. But how is this possible through prayer? I find that its more difficult to pray when I don't know who I'm praying to. I remember at bohof, after studying the scriptures, my view of prayer completely changed. It's like when I first really understood digital and High Definition, was I able to explain the need for it. I was also able to show it true nature. Prayer is how we connect with each others heart and soul.  It's really weird. Which is why its uncomfortable, theres a lot of hurt out there. Because it deals with the soul and heart, where the hurts and pains are, it's reluctant. Prayer also touches on shame. It wants to open up the heart to really let healing in. I have learned that God has really answered prayer when I really have prayed. When I utter out of true frustration or when I have really am honest with God. I mean when I really am showing my true colors and not holding things back. Not when I'm trying to fix it, by praying. I find in our connected society today, only the truly honest people survive. Facebook, doesn't do it. It's still fake. Am I really going to expose how I feel? It's a crazy test. Prayer is unusual, it's this moment where you I have to dig deep down and not believe that even though he knows what I'm really thinking, I still need to say it. Even though I know I'm doing something wrong, I still need ask for help. That's where I stop. Because I don't want to get better, I still want to stay in my ditch.

Hits me, there's a difference between happiness and joy. Anyone can be happy, but joy comes from within, there's meaning behind it. For me, it's the joy is replaced with resentment and anger if I'm not praying, listening, and obeying. I can go on with my life with the knowledge of the bible and prayer, and be miserable. Or I can strive to study and pray and renew myself daily to keep that joy. Life sucks me dry at times, but I can't stop praying especially when I'm dried up.

Love and Logic

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8 NLT

You'd think it would be something more like "be honest or tell the truth or the golden rule. Love is strong, I have to be careful about love. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Loving someone is really, challenging when they've hurt you. I think of john 3:16, then I think that i don't know what love is at times. I don't love myself, I find I condemn myself too much. Then I know people who love themselves too much. I find I have trouble loving people more these days than I did before I was married. My wife has to convince me that people are mean to me at times, when I totally blow it off. I don't care. I'm so used to rejection. She can sense that I'm clueless to it, which makes her feel more hurt for me. Her main question whenever I come home from a meeting is, "were they nice to you?" I don't know, they weren't mean. I wasn't offended. This has happened to so many times, that i begin to think I'm this weird alien that people are just putting up with. I find that both my wife and I have been battered in our single lives so much, that showing deep love from both us to others is a show and not real, yet I can watch others and think I should do that, but why?

My biggest problem, is. I don't accept God's love for myself, I can sure love others great, but not myself. When someone wrongs me though? no more love for them. Thats where I have issues with this scripture. I need to accept God's love for me first and the love will come naturally. I feel I'm terrible because of my sins. That has to change though, I will always sin in who knows what way. That doesn't stop God's love though. He actually uses that sinful moment to draw me to Him.

Hits me, I'm going to screw up for the rest of my life, and love on others too. No ones perfect. I've unfriended people, unliked pages, and feel terrible, and why? Am I afraid of what they think? or am I doing somethings wrong? I look at pages on facebook that I don't know what to do with, should I unlike them? then I see the junk in my office, that I don't know what to do with. I find God telling me to love, but I can't without logical reason.  Love isn't logical, they don't mix. I find logic has come into my life and ruled almost everything with results. I can't love with logic, it just doesn't work, it's like oil and water. It's crazy of how my brain has been programed over the years to think different ways.

Zookeeper

James 4:8-10

Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

 

Whenever I read these kind of verses, I often think about how I'm not doing this correctly. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of the movie Zookeeper with Kevin James. It came out in 2011. I didn't see it until a few days ago on redbox, which reminds me, I haven't returned it yet. It's about a zookeeper who gets dumped by his girlfriend due to him being "just a zookeeper". Un beknownst him the animals at the zoo begin speaking to him about getting this girl to like him again. What he learns is that, she wants him to be someone he's not. How many times have i wanted to be someone I wasn't. Honestly? not many. It's been more, I don't believe I can be who I am. This guy tried to be somebody else in Kevin James style, which was hilarious. I find God wants me to do the same thing. Try something and see if it works and then when I come back and say what's wrong with me God? It's this process that God takes me through. I can't stand it. I want this right the first time. I read and think. This scripture starts and ends the same way. It's the beginning and ending to a video, something is in between. But what is in between. It's the heartache, the pressure, the identity, the dismay, the confusion. Why can't I just humble myself? Why do I think so much about why?

 

Hits me, since humbling myself and drawing near to God are the obvious quick solutions, but sometimes not mine, I have to look at all the middle. Just like making sure the middle of the video flows and transitions into the ending, many times its forgotten, but its where I grow. Where I learn to be humble. I may not be a zookeeper who thinks he's just a zookeeper but I am who God made me, and I have to believe and love that, even if it means bloom where I'm planted when it hurts.

discouragement vs optimism

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God!

Psalm 42:1 NLT

This is fascinating, the process of perseverance. It's the hike up the mountain, yet not knowing how far away the top is. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I find verses like these to be hard to relate with. I wasn't raised to think like this. I was raised to be like Paul and rejoice in my trials. It's like always being optimistic in everything so I didn't get discouraged, because discouragement really meant, lack of faith. My fear is failure and rejection, my problem is, is that I don't goal set. I just keep plugging away at things that keep me from failing. When I take my family on vacation, I have no expectations, that way I don't get discouraged. It's like I put up a defense mechanism so I can prepare myself to be optimistic. Isn't that insecurity though? How long can that last? It's like I don't seek God in my troubles, I seek my past experiences as a cushion. I read and think. David was depressed. I don't get depressed, I just keep moving, I keep optimistic and focused. Sometimes too focused. Am I really not being honest with God? I don't feel I am at times. Venting and stress are almost shunned these days. But why? Because it's showing your true feelings? You attend church and it's happy time, be careful not show your true colors. I have before, and people get concerned. I'm a real person, as is everyone. Not everyone can talk to me though. I'm not everyones close friend, and I won't be. I used to take that as rejection, but now I take it as life. Isn't that a cover up?

Hits me, God wants me to be real with Him, not to be someone else who I think He wished I was. I may not be depressed, but I still need to persevere in God and rejoice in Him, because I easily don't rejoice until I think its from God, then I have pride. Because I begin judging whether it's from God or not.

Please Help....God bless

Deuteronomy 14:28-29

At the end of every three years, bring all the tithes of that year’s produce and store it in your towns,  so that the Levites (who have no allotment or inheritance of their own) and the foreigners, the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.

At first I'm thinking of all the homeless people. Then I think of how many people won't do this. Then I think of how much judgement and pity I would give when giving my tithes for this reason. This isn't at the end of the week, its at the end of 3 years. I've already had my coffee, and discussing this scripture with Susan. I'm reminded of the "Please Help...God bless" people on the corners. Yet Susan tells me that there are places that they can go (if they are clean and sober) to get back on their feet within a few weeks. I read and think. I find its an honor to help people out if I can. I've given food to people before on the street. Then I saw the news report of lady with a sign saying "quit giving my son and daughter in law money for their drugs". I'm not getting the point of this scripture. It's about believing that a percentage of the time I put into a project is going to help someone out that could benefit. Whether its food, video, physical labor, possessions, etc. What's the big deal? I'm also reminded of an idiot who hollered at me while I was approaching my car at the bank. He gets my attention and try's to offer me a cd of his for a donation. I told him I would listen to the cd and let him know. He said no, donation or no cd. How do I know the cd isn't blank? He then got close to me and told me to slow down. I then left. I thought to myself, you don't walk up yelling at someone to get their attention to sell something they don't want.

Hits me, I'm in a day and age of service, about people i know and connections. I need to give work away at times. To give money, to give whatever my percentage is. God is about resources, not about only one way of doing things. I need to remember not to pity people who I give things to, but to see opportunity to give what I can and when I can.

Don't Fence Me in

1 Corinthians 11:1

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

At first I wasn't sure what to think. I think of the men I've looked up to and then of how left out I've felt. I've always felt as though I was 10 years late. Like what people have discovered 10 years ago, I'm figuring it out now. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Knowing me I'm always thinking outside the box. I'm reminded of the song "Don't fence me in". Originally a poem by Robert Fletcher in 1934. It was written into a song for the movie Adios, Argentina. The lyrics go
Oh, give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above

Don't fence me in
Let me ride thru the wide-open country that I love
Don't fence me in
Let me be by myself in the evening breeze
Listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees
Send me off forever, but I ask you please
Don't fence me in
Don't fence me in

Just turn me loose
Let me straddle my old saddle underneath the western skies
On my cayuse
Let me wander over yonder till I see the mountains rise
I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
Gaze at the moon until I loose my senses
I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in
Don't fence me in


Give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above

That's called Freedom to me.  It's pretty bold for someone to say this. Follow my example? I would have just said "don't look at me, look at God". Yet I live in a society where people compare. I compare reviews, videos, movies, technology. The competition is fierce. Whenever I network in business, I meet my competition at times. I'm interested to hear from them. My challenge is that, I'm not competitive. I could care less of how successful they are. I'm different, and I don't give up. Really people are buying the person and not the product. They are paying for a relationship. Do people see Christ when they see me? I sure don't at times. I read and think. Theres something I'm missing when studying Christ's life on earth. I keep on reading scriptures like this, and not seeing whats really there. It's not about what would Jesus do, it's about why He came when He did. It's about how he went about everything. I keep on reading for words and not for the environment. Christ wasn't in one place, he traveled, he met the people where they were at. He did it responsibly though. 

Hits me, he doesn't want me to guess, he wants me to live. He doesn't want me to figure Him out, he wants me to just go on my way and study Him. He'll put me in situations that will test my character. His character was tested. He came into a society that chose to kill Him. I live in a world where the scriptures are tested and ridiculed and mocked. He expected that. We can do whatever we want in this world, it doesn't matter. Christ character is still there when were done. Everything falls back to it, no matter what I do. Don't fence me in.

A beer and the bible

Mark 7:20-23

He went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them.  For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder,  adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.  All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”

At first I'm thinking "oh crap, not this one". It's like itching the mosquito bite. It itches, so you scratch your skin, only to watch it spread. I can't but think of Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. The man turned creature because of his obsession with his precious. Then I think of Anakin Skywalker, the anger he had for those who killed his mother. Then I remember "the generals daughter", how her vengeance at her father lead to her death. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm using my Venetian mug from Las Vegas. I recently had a gig there a few weeks ago. I had never been there. I was expecting it to be way worse that what it was. This scripture hits me though. It's what comes OUT that defiles me. Not what I take in. It's the evil thoughts, the lust, resentment, bitterness, anger, gross stuff, rage. It's working with a broken garbage disposal. Mines broken right now. I have to plunge it 5 times to get the sink to drain. It stinks bad. I'm reminded of the quote "the mouth speaks of what the heart is full of". How did the heart get full of junk. It's like not replacing your air filter in your A/C monthly. Junk just gets in there and pretty soon, your not breathing right. Situations just load up in life. The particles of evil slowly trinkle in and settle in, and pretty soon I'm just driving no where. It just all collected without me knowing it. How did this happen to me. I got lazy and wasn't filtering my situations through God's word. All the sudden, I'm not reading anything but the headlines, then I'm sick of christian music, sick of church, sick of scripture. Just leave me alone and hand me a beer. Beer and the bible, doesn't sound quite right, yet I feel refreshed, and God understands.

Hits me, Christ spoke with the people I think are evil. Then I find He's speaking directly to me. He's not who I thought He was. that's because I'm not seeing myself through His eyes, but through mine. All kinds of junk is going to hit me whether I like it or not, it's out I filter it leaving me that will defile me or not. I can't let the situations become my filter but word of God, man I wish that were easy.

It's our time, it's our time down here - Mikey

Psalm 54:6-7

I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, Lord, for it is good. You have delivered me from all my troubles, and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

 

I often feel out of place and under estimated. Like be careful about Nathan. I feel God is the only one that gets me. I find I have resentment towards people in my past and that makes me bitter. Then I find my character changes. I don't love like I used to. Sip some coffee, I read and think. Yet David praises God. I used to praise God when I was hurt, I guess once things affected my family, I changed. What are my troubles? what is deliverance? I discovered recently that i work best with tough love. God throws things in my lap until I get it right. Then he gives me a break. a few weeks or days later, he tests me again. I'm reminded of the goonies. How they had this group of friends who they were going to miss. As they got into mistcheif, they had no idea it would lead to saving the goon docks. They were just being themselves and it paid off in their favor. I read and think, sacrifice a free will offering  sticks out. When good things happen in bad situations, do I give credit to God? inwardly i do. But through my resentment and bitterness I don't see it. I see coincidence. I lose confidence, get depressed, get too insecure. Then God's knocking on my heart saying "you can thank me".  The goonies almost got killed. They used what they had amongst all of them and found the treasure. 

Hits me, it's all about who I am that will get me to where God wants me. He doesn't want me to be anybody else. Sure I'll got through ups and downs but He wants me to stay original and be me. Just like the goonies "its out time, its our time down here", He'll give me a goal and show me how to reach it, regardless of where it is.

Here comes the Boom

The Lord is my light and my salvation so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?

Psalm 27:1 NLT

At first I'm reminded of a movie,  I watched last night, called "Here comes the boom" with Kevin James. Scott Voss is a Biology teacher who discovers that his school is dropping the music program due to budget cuts. So he sets out to get funds to be able to keep the program. He discovers mma fighting  through a student in a class he teaches at night. Scott was a wrestler in college and has no training for this type of fighting. But the winner gets 50k which is the amount needed for to keep the music program.  I read and think. His trainer told him, just jump into through ring and see what happens, then we'll know how to train. Scott does this, and gets demolished, yet he keeps training because he needs to get the music program back. How many times have I wanted to not jump in unprepared, many. This year, I've had to make business decisions that I hated, but were healthy. I've had to take my insecurities and believe I was wrong, and continue to pursue things. I've had to make a trip to places, that I wanted to procrastinate on. Scott ends up winning the big fight and gets the money.

Hits me, why should I be afraid? I've got God, especially when He's really knocking on me. He's my fortress, yet I don't believe He's possible, He's protecting me from danger, yet I'm scared when I'm trusting Him. Why am I trembling? He's my light. Scott had a goal, I'm a terrible goal setter. Even though Scott was totally out of his league, he went for it. When God is pulling me, I can't resist even though my mind and body tell me to. It sucks when God opens doors and I'm just afraid to walk through.

Everlasting animation

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139:23-24 NLT

This is from David. I remember the song. I'm tired today but need to careful about the coffee, I just worked out and don't want to get dehydrated. As I read this, "search me" sticks out. Usually I'm the one searching, wondering, analyzing. Yesterday, I was told I needed a better logo for my business. I agreed. I didn't like it. What does a logo do? It should speak about what my business. I had to let the artist search the web for images that represented me. I found out that I was thinking about things way too much. After about 2 hours, we had one, he felt was good, and I trusted him. I liked it too. I read and think. What is the logo of my person. What do people think when they see me? Am I on the path to everlasting life? I don't always let God lead me, I let my anxious impulsive thoughts take over and offend people. I then asked the artist to give me the logo in photoshop so I could animate it later. What's my animation anyway in way in life?  When I see a company logo, it defines them, I immediately think about how to bring it to life. Will I let God search me and know me. Am I seeking Him and knowing Him?

Hits me, a logo is an identity, it's what represents me, I have to seek God and let him redesign me in His way, not mine, because he knows me, and will animate me.

Pierced Integrity

Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord.

Psalm 119:1 NLT

The first thing that comes to mind is how much integrity it takes to be joyful. It's the step into following God's instructions that provided integrity. It's a sore spot for me at times. I am amazed of how much integrity the public wants. In business, if you show integrity and do what you say you're going to do, you're golden. If not, you're in trouble. Or its like in tools, how much integrity does this hammer have. Is it going to break? But being joyful? this is a big deal. I find that I give people the vibe that they can trust me, that I have integrity. I fight for integrity as much as the guy sitting next to me. I read and think. Is there a difference between joy and happiness? Is there a difference between having your sweatshirt or not. Can I be joyful alone without God? I have trouble following the instructions. Oh i can build a lego set step by step but when God's knocking on my heart, that's a different story. It's tough because what happens when I lose out. I try being joyful when I don't have integrity. Just doesn't happen. Why do I need to follow the instructions? Why can't there be an easier way? It's like why can't I just smile and be fine. It's following God. Is it that in this the day and age where speaking about God is still offensive? Yes. Actually its the day and age of offending and being offended. Only God can survive. I get kind of irritated with the christian community whenever something like the bible series is shown on TV. Why are we surprised? God is in control and everywhere, not just in scripture. Yes, when the scripture is preached, it is a piercing. When I hear worship music, it's a piercing. It's a piercing when Christ was here in person. The people weren't ready for that, and honestly still aren't.

Hits me, am I going to have integrity according to the word or according to me? It's a lot easier when I'm following God, unfortunately I get distracted and then I get pierced.

Walk this way

The godly walk with integrity; blessed are their children who follow them.

Proverbs 20:7 NLT


At first I'm thinking, how do I walk in this life? Then I read it again and integrity pops out and then again. walk with integrity. It's crazy of how in this day and age, integrity is an option and not an honor. I find myself dealing with it in all areas.
Wikipedia defines it as Integrity is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions. Integrity can be regarded as the opposite of hypocrisy,^[1] in that integrity regards internal consistency as a virtue, and suggests that parties holding apparently conflicting values should account for the discrepancy or alter their beliefs. Man have I screwed this up.

Sip some coffee, I read and think. People who have integrity are sometimes hard to approach due to my insecurity of not being like them. Sometimes I feel like I'm a flake, and I don't want to be a flake. I want to be respected. You earn respect, you don't ask for it. This bible, these scriptures, this life that is called godly, what is it? Is it that integrity is only for the godly? It's considered old fashioned today almost. It's even crazier in marriage, raising your children without being selfish. It's knowing how to discipline and being fair. Having integrity with your mind, eyes, business, family, friends. Where do you draw the line? Am I willing to end friendships due to my beliefs or can I agree to disagree? I find myself in a constant battle between pain and gain. It's a spiritual work out to be godly. It's standing up and leaving, or showing up and staying. Just like what Gandolph said:

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

Hits me, God gives me all kinds of opportunities to have integrity. And thats integrity without judgement. It's about walking a godly way, keeping my word, managing my impulses, speaking the truth. the first lines from Fellowship of the ring come to mind.

Galadriel: The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who, above all else, desire power. But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master Ring, to control all others. And into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Ring to rule them all.

I need to walk a certain way.

Pitch Perfect

Live in harmony with each other.

Romans 12:16a NLT

I'm amazed when on vacation, my by biological time clock doesn't change as well. I woke up 4:30 on my own, on my first day of vacation. I felt fine, I was awake, it wasn't like I was trying to sleep. This is a get along with each other verse. Sip some coffee, I read and think. We're in Carlsbad, Ca for a few days. I need to get a mug. Harmony sticks out to me in this one. Whenever I hear that word, I think of singing. Singing harmony is natural to me. But really it's a natural way to sing. It definitely enhances the song, when you hear the same line being song in harmony with the melody. It's not a back up, its enhances, but just a little. Harmony supports the people. It's not that I'm going to agree all the time with others but something I need to decide in myself to do. "Live" also pops out at me. Meaning that, even if I just don't get along with someone? I need to seek to understand them. That's very challenging with some people, who I just want to leave alone and wish I never met. I'm reminded of the In-laws, not the remake but the original with Peter Falk and Alan Arkin. My mother in-law lent it to me a month ago and I can say, it's not my favorite. Both actors did a great job, but I can't handle those kind of comedies where things just keep happening and theres no real resolution until the end. But my point is, these two guys had to work hard to live in harmony with each other since their their kids were getting married. Peter Falk works for the CIA (you don't really believe that until the end) and Alan Arkin is a successful dentist. Peter falk persuades his future in-law to help him take care of an undercover operation (alan has no idea what anything is all about, until bullits start flying). In the end of the movie, they both are living in harmony together. They both have great hearts and are both very different. I'm also reminded of Pitch Perfect, a movie about acappela singing. The girls ended up living in harmony in order to get along to win the competition. They actually took the theme of the breakfast club and applied it to their relationships with each other. I'm amazed of how getting along with people is so essential in the family and the work place.

Hits me, we're all in this earth together, for that very act of harmony, God sent his son. We were screwing it up. I'm amazed of how much judgement i throw on people because of my insecurity. I'm amazed of how accepting I am of crap thrown at me. I'm also amazed of how much I bend the truth of God's word to live in harmony with someone else. Yet he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Harmony isn't singing the same key, it's referred to as the vertical aspect of music, and melody being the horizontal. Its a change in pitch. That pitch can be a blessing or a curse. If I keep listening to God and sometimes asking for grace with someone, that pitch will come naturally and sometimes in time.

OMG or Praise God!

O our God, we thank You and praise Your glorious name!

1 Chronicles 29:13 NLT


This has got alot behind it. You don't just say this, there has to be reason behind it. I'd try just saying stuff like this because everyone else was, but it didn't work. It's like how many likes can I get? When people hear their name, they get confidence, unless its bad news. It's the craziest thing. That's why God sent His son, to be the credit and the people back then hated that, so do people these days. Honestly, it took along time to for me to give credit to people and God. I remember asking my parents, "after I sing a solo and people praise me, how do I respond?", They said, "praise God or it's all for God's glory". Then I learned to say thank you first. I'm amazed of how many people don't sit and watch the credits of a movie, they get up and go. Pretty much, they know the director and actors but could care less about everyone else. Star Wars was the first movie to have the credits at the end, 20th century fox almost pulled it from theatres on opening weekend because of that. I read and think, their's reason behind accreditation. It's when the person, that company, really blew you out of the water. Where they made the show awesome, its when they do what they say they will do. God says he will not leave me nor forsake me. Does that mean, I'll get what I want? maybe, maybe not. It means, He'll be with me regardless of what his plan is. Would I rather have him give me what I want and not be there all the time, or have him there always and watch him provide in His way?   This is where people start taking His name in vain. The name above all names, the one name that should never be taken invane....is. Simply because I don't get my way.  Because something happened to me that God probably hinted at, and I didn't listen. Then I keep silent because anger is not good and I hold it in so I look like I'm fine. Then what makes a name, glorious? what makes a name thankful and worthy of praise? For me its honesty, reliability, and communication. Isn't that what God is? He sure is honest, He's always there, and He communicates through all kinds of things. Then why the hesitation to praise Him? Am I disrespecting Him when I use a lower case h instead of an uppercase H?

Hits me, getting likes and credit will never end. I always feel weird putting my nak logo at the end of my videos. It's that part of my humanity that I'll never get over. Jesus said He was the credit and no one else. These days I find myself giving him credit only when I think its big. It's the experiences and growth that I receive from Him every day that are opportunities to trust Him and praise Him. Even when God uses a movie to speak to me, I need to sit and watch the credits and say thank you, I needed that.

Pissed off

Galatians 5:7-11

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?  That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.  “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.”  I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty.  Brothers and sisters, if I am still preaching circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been abolished.

 

At first I'm thinking, of the tough things I've been going through the past few months. Lots of insecurities about listening to God. From this scripture, I'm quick to blame. Sip some coffee, I read and think. It's those moments when you think God is using someone to speak to you and He's is but isn't. It's like in Star Wars when Anakein listens to the chancelor because his wife could be in danger. It's the get rich quick schemes, it's those moments when your past hits you unexpectedly and weeks later your wondering how you landed in the dirt, and is it too late? I have reason for resentment, but I feel miserable. What do I do with forgiveness? what do I do with salvation? Christ didn't say a word for 30 years. All he could say was "it's not time yet". I can't say God makes mistakes, He's teaching me to see Him in them. Why do bad things happen to good people? Define bad. It's different for everyone. I believe I live in a society that lives off of happiness, not reality. Sometimes I want to screw these blogs because I'm not being honest enough. I've been pissed these last months. God's been pulling me in my own company and knocking on me with all kinds of personal stuff. He's brought people back in my life that I now resent. He's brought family stuff up that I now resent again. The scripture comes to mind "he who is without sin, cast the first stone". I've come to envy sinners, then I look in the mirror and I see one. I find myself not wanting people over because it's not ready by my standards. I sound like my mom. NOOO!! Who did this to me? Did I? 

 

Hits me. I have to get myself out of this, I get so blindsided at times, I need to pray for grace, its like drinking a glass of water before I hit the heat outside and not after I'm dehydrated. It's being ready for the gig and not getting ready after its begun. And if the gigs begun and someone leads me astray, I can't put my head in the ground like I'd like to, but need to keep to my identity even if I don't know who I am anymore.

Iron Man: [as the fight begins] Call it, Cap!

Hebrews 6:10-12

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.  We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized.  We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

 

I'm not sure what to think of these. I've done lots of work God in my life and never thought of people seeing it. I never cared. Now that I have a family, I charge money for it. With my a.d.d. I often feel invisible. This helps when I'm operating a camera. I also wear black all of the time but simply due to the industry I work in. People do see me though and it doesn't bother me. I have to do what I have to do, to get that shot. And now, I find I need to show that footage quickly. sip some coffee, I read and think. I'm reminded of the super heros. I'm reminded of spiderman, the incredibles, the avengers, all those guys. These people who freely just wanted to help humanity and make the world a safe place to live.

The ending fight scene from the avengers comes to mind.

Iron Man: [as the fight begins] Call it, Cap!
Captain America: Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal our priority's containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash.
Hawkeye: [to Iron Man] Want to give me a lift?
Iron Man: Right. Better clench up, Legolas.
[Iron Man takes Hawkeye up to the roof]
Captain America: Thor, you gotta try and bottleneck that portal. Slow 'em down. You got the lightning. Light the bastards up.
[Thor swings his hammer and flies off and Captain America turns to Black Widow]
Captain America: You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk? Smash!
[the Hulk grins and jumps away]

 I look at these guys, and their all simply using their talents to help make the world a safer place. I'm amazed of how often I only look at my family and seek to protect it. I've done years of service in church with no thought of credit. Sometimes I did feel that God wasn't watching. But did I do it for the right reason or simply because I wanted it done. I'm surprised of how long God will let me make a mistake in order for me to see it His way. It feels right at the time but not wholesome. Yet He'll allow it. Where do my abilities belong? Do I belong?

Hits me, God wants me to put my all in until the very end, He knows my heart and motive, He knows who I really am, especially when I feel misunderstood. The Avengers were all different characters but kept their goal secure. They knew who they were. I must live for who God made me to be, especially when I don't believe it and doubt it  and start becoming lazy.

the dark side of the force

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 

I've always been fascinated by Christ's life here on earth. He never argued, He just spoke the truth. I have a hard time speaking the truth about God to people, especially if their my friends. But then what is a true friend? Sip some coffee, I read and think. He spoke in total first person, which threw everybody off. He actually identified himself as the light of the world.

 

I'm amazed of how much darkness I am used to walking in. It's walking into my office (storage room) at home. I have so much junk from my past in here. Old cd's that i don't use anymore, they're for back up, if my hard drives crash. Memorbelia that needs to be put on display to make it a nice office. When I was single, I took whatever people gave me in technology. Basicly their old junk and put it with mine. Then when I got married, I had to rethink why I had old tv's and gear which all worked fine, just old. My wife told when we had an apartment, "what do you really see in the backyard?" Honestly? I saw a nice patio to hang at, not all my junk. I was then amazed of how much attachment I had put on things that i had purchased or gifts that people had given me.  Then when about my life with God? What things am I collecting due to hard times? Things that are keeping me away from walking in the light? I'm not sure, am I thinking about it too much? It's just like Anakin Skywalker was told that if He turned to the Dark side, he could save his wife. He had a great motive, but little did he know what was ahead. His kids barely saved him from his bitterness and anger. If he hadn't joined the dark side, his wife would have been fine and Luke and Leia wouldn't had to save him. No if's though. What happened, happened and it was meant to be. I can't live by "if only".

 

Hits me, I look to so many other things to be the light of the world, not God. I do it without thinking about it. I find I look at progress as the light of the world or success. Those are things that I'm not good at. That's stupid. My freedom is nothing like Christ's. It's like make my own darkness, my own version of black, my dark side of the force. It's a mixture of a nice yard, good income, healthy family, etc. Where's God in that? I'm way off. He's there, but wants to direct me, not follow. He's revealing to me His life in me through Him even when my darkness appears to be light.