Oh yes this one, the bread of life one, I always think of that picture of the old man with the white beard praying over his oatmeal and loaf of bread, I think my aunt had it hanging some where. Wow, what a long week of work. I started two drafts of blogs that never finished either because of time or lack of energy. Shaynes a little sick today, but she should be good hopefully by this evening. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I can only think of the moments at work where I wish I could never hunger again, sometimes due to the fact that our cafeteria food is bad. But what can I say, I love to eat. I think about the fact that I need to eat and drink to stay alive. I'm a breakfast person, some people aren't, I love my eggs and bacon, pancakes, hash browns, all that stuff, I don't make it all the time and usually my body doesn't get fed until 10:30 with chips and salsa. I'm also amazed of how I can meet a friend or family for a meal. Just to talk, or for coffee. I'm amazed of how regardless of belief's or circumstances, eating things with other people and renewing that relationship or just bumping into someone, encourages me. Then I find how I grew up and my mom just was concerned about how the house looked prior to people coming over. Oh the battles I'd have with her about that. It is etiquette and respectful to clean up for friends and family but sometimes honesty in how your really live, is ok. Then I think of the food I hunger for and why? I love coffee, but not all the time. I like to eat things that don't make me sick and stay away from food that makes me feel sick. If I get sick from a restaurant, I get scared to eat there ever again. Then I think of the other avenue, my mental health. Where do I get the energy to clear my mind. With the struggles I have, how do I battle this life out? Is it true that having a coke can make me feel that life is going to fine? I read and think, the bread of life? never be hungry again? never be thirsty? I had an a heated argument with a co worker yesterday about christmas time and music. He hated it, and he told me why. I was fumed and angry, and was not going to let him get me down, and I told him that. Then it hit me, this guy was in a lot of pain, I knew a little bit of his story. Healthy food is never fun to eat, its the greasy ones that are good. I love the pumpkin pie in this season. I find myself experiencing the same pain as my co worker at times. When bad things happen in my life, I rush to harm myself, out of nature, why can't I rush to God, to this "bread of life". It's a like running a race and having coke afterwards. I'd die, give me water. Why do I find this verse so easy to read yet, so hard to listen to. When someone tells me it won't work like that, why do I challenge them? Why do I challenge God? I find myself thinking, "no, you can't be the answer", I want the answer to be this, not you". It's like when I was driving home from work, I took a wrong exit because I wanted to home already, I didn't want to wait another 3 miles, I wanted it then. I at times want this life to be my way, I get tired of waiting on God. Yet I get thirsty, I get hungry, on a daily basis, its like God telling me "I'm here, you need me, I'm here,.......still here."Oh the moments when I did go to God and felt completely filled and complete. I miss those, why are they so tough to come by. I get on a role for a while, and sure enough when I turn my back, I get hit, and then get upset and myself for not being on guard, and to start all over again, yet I feel God telling me, it's ok, and keep moving. During these Holidays, its hard to watch the crime scene going up, its just evidence of a battle going on between good and evil, why? Hits me, the more I try and replace God with things that look evident to fill his spot, the more He reveals himself through those things, that He can't be replaced. This life I'm living is tough, alot of late nights, early mornings, pain, who knows what it is. All I could think of, after my heated argument was the pain I felt. Then it hit me of what christmas music was all about, and how it could be painful. It's healthy music, and when I'm in pain, its my nature to keep that pain and dwell on it. I don't want help, I don't want to be saved, I want to be angry and then eventually it'll wear off. The truth of holiday music regardless of who's singing can be painful, who wants to hear the truth that can set you free? Who wants the honest answer? Hits me again, sure I can be angry about my past and present circumstances and be fumed, when the true reason for the season was to heal my pain and agony and what do I do? I slam the door in His face, I tell Him how much I hate him, how could he? Yet His arms are open and he continues to listen until I'm ready to eat and drink and dine with Him.
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