What does the diary tell you that it doesn't tell us? - Colonel Vogel

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again - my Savior and my God

Psalm 42:11 NLT

I woke up this morning thinking about the theology of a christian. The meaning of being a christian. Why do I call myself a christian. As I was browsing some blogs, the line from Indiana Jones and the last crusade came to mind.
Colonel Vogel: What does the diary tell you that it doesn't tell us?
[he tries to slap him again; Henry grabs his wrist, stopping him]
Professor Henry Jones: [through his teeth] It tells me, that goose-stepping morons like yourself should try *reading* books instead of *burning* them!

Then I sip some coffee and read and think. Am I willing to embrace who I am in God and fight for it?  As a christian I should be happy with joy. David clearly isn't. He tells God, that he's depressed, but he's still going to put his hope in Him. It's one of those things. Here in the last crusade, Dr. Jones is in the tank when they have this conversation. Colonel Vogel starts slapping him with his glove. Then asks him about the diary. What is the theology of my life? on what basis do I live my life. Sure I'm a christian so I live by the bible. But what really do I live my life for? I think of sports players, business people, students, family's, etc. Play to win! Grow your company! Get that degree! Have a nice house and great kids! I find I live my life towards and according to my situation. Then when my situation gets intense, I go to the word or whatever way I have of coping at the time. I can so easily get numb with knowledge of God. I can get wrapped up in societies ways and my vision weakens.  The nazi's saw the grail as a prize, which was the whole reason for the battle. I read and think. The diary was the search the grail, but really for the truth. The nazi's simply saw ownership. What's hard for me to understand and comprehend is that God is not to be owned because he seeks to own. I get so blinded, I'm one of those people who start burning the books that i need to read. It's easy for me to go to the place of pain in my life. It's easy to want hope and freedom but not from God. It's easy to think that the true hope comes from anywhere else but God. It's hard to believe that my mission in life is based on my circumstances. Others won't search their past, they live in anger with no way out (not as David does and fight to see the truth). They live in their pain as do I. Then I just have a stronger backbone. Is that whats life's about? Building a strong backbone?

Hits me, Henry Jones was in pursuit of God via the Diary even though he called it illumination. It was this theology that drew Him all his life. I'll get hit day in and day out with who knows what. God will use whatever he feels to draw me to him. I'll see his truth when its time. It's not about what job I do or don't have, where I'm at in my life at my age. It's His diary that he's writing through me.

Secret Weapon - Petra

The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

James 5:16b NLT

The first thing I think of is not having the power of prayer within me. However, I feel it when someones prays for me. I don't feel it when I pray for someone else. It's like acknowledging someone. It's awkward, it feels better to be acknowledged. Sip some coffee, I read think. It's this battle between having confidence and believing in God. What makes me righteous? The dicitionary defines this as morally right, justifiable, virtuous. Man I am none of those at times, I'm terrible.  Then there are moments when I am.

Prayer is as Petra puts it the "secret weapon". When someone has an issue on facebook and really speaks their heart, I comment "praying". I remember in college in my radio broadcasting class, my teacher would cuss up a storm. I thought I'm just going to pray for him like crazy until he stops. He never stopped. Then there are the moments when I pray that I can find something at home, and I find it. Sometimes I feel that I feel its not the right time to pray for someone. What is prayer though? the dictionary again says " a plea, help, devout petition to God." I remember being in a worship prayer time before church and praying for who was going to be there. I'm reminded of the many movies that have people praying in them: Bruce Almighty, It's a wonderful life, Shenandoah, Forrest Gump. Prayer is a weapon against the enemy. When two or more are gathered. Only two. I've lost count of the many shows that I been in where I've prayed for them to run seamlessly.

Petra lyrics hit me though. 

I've waited patiently for your reply 
You say you'll come around, by and by 
I've tried to show the way into the light 
But I just won't let you go, without a fight
You think my hands are tied 
But you will never hide, 
no I've got you in my sight, day and night
I've got a secret weapon 
I'll pray for you  
I've got a secret weapon  
Gonna get through

Read more: PETRA - SECRET WEAPON LYRIC

 

Then there's "Get On Your Knees and Fight like a man" by Petra

 

Out on your own with your own self reliance
You've got no one to watch your back
You find yourself caught with no strong alliance
You've been left open for attack
Over your head the condition is graver
You've given ground you can't retreive
The cards are stacked and they're not in your favor
But you've got an ace up your sleeve
[Chorus]
Get on your knees and fight like a man
You'll pull down strongholds if you just believe you can
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
Your enemy will tuck his tail and flee
Get on your knees and fight like a man
Under the gun you've got no place to hide out
Backed in the corner on your own
This is one storm you are destined to ride out
One way to leave the danger zone
You've got the backbone to fight this tide
You've got the will to survive
You've got the weapon, it's at your side
You've got to learn to confide

 

Man this blog is all over the place

When my daughter shoots me a quick prayer, I feel it. No need for thick words and a deep toned voice. 

What happens when my prayer isn't answered the way I really wanted it to be? Back in 2010 we were praying for prosperity for my video company and I ended up closing it. We had a terrible year, why? According to us it was terrible, but through God's eyes he was doing things that we couldn't see yet. It's like digital vs. analog. You can't see it until you get a converter. I am mortal and God is eternal, when it's time for me to see, he'll convert it for me and I'll see. He'll open my eyes.

Hits me, even if I don't feel righteous, I am still His child, he wants me to use this secret weapon regardless of how I feel or what mood I'm in. He wants me to get on my knees and fight like a man.

I'll kneel to tape a cable down but why do I have trouble kneeling to pray? God doesn't care how I pray as long as He hears my heart. However kneeling does provoke more prayers for some reason. He wants me to see this life through His eyes, He's the only one that open them.

Rational Relationship

God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

2 Peter 1:3 NLT

At first I'm thinking, a godly life? Then the word "living" sticks out, and then as I read it again  and the word "everything" sticks out. It's like the full packet, its the job description. It's getting ready for a gig and taking all my stuff. I'm not sure what I'll need. I'm one of those guys who learns a different way. I learn when I'm not planning on learning. Sip some coffee, I read and think.

I got a redbox txt yesterday and decided to pick up a movie. I have a list of movies I don't have yet and some that Susan wants. However I couldn't find any at the redbox so I chose one that looked intrgueing called Hope Springs with Merryl Streep and Tommy lee Jones. early in the movie due to the context of the film I had to mute it and put the subtitles due the language of the film and our 3 year olds ears. It was about a married couple of 31 years, and their love life was just numb. Kay finds a book and decides to book a week of marriage counseling for her and her husband. Merryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, along with Steve Carell did a phenominal job as expected. I didn't get quite the impact I wanted due to reading the subtitles. But it was real dialogue. It can only make me think of my walk with God. I've been a christian forever. I blog about it all the time. But my relationship with God can get numb. Sure I think and talk with Him alot, but I don't work on it. This couple had a lot of work to do. They were both numb with each other. Arnold didn't learn the way that his wife did. He learned more after they arrived home. He hated this counseling thing. She was hurt by it. How many times have I made God cry, have i hurt God? God's truth is brutal and I don't like it at times. They renew their vows at the end of the movie on the beach which Kay had always wanted. As I think further, I imagine what my closest moments with God have been. Where did they go? I find it so easy to get stuck in my walk with God and just keep living being stuck. I can get frozen in my marriage too. I read and think.

Hits me, as a man I look at Arnold's point of view, and understand how easily it can happen. The guy was just living with his wife, living in his career, didn't value either, just had them. How long have I just been living with God, living in my battles? God wants me to know Him. He's given me everything I need. Yet I somehow think he hasn't. I'm so used to a society of updates that I feel God is the same way. I'm waiting for a new God to come out. When if I just pursue Him, he makes me new. And that's the biggest challenge is pursuing Him, and listening to Him when I don't feel like it.

Bewitched or Befree

Colossians 3:22

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.

 

Interesting passage. It's like just do what the client wants. I'm not really a slave to my client, I do have rules, but still they want what they want. Sip some coffee, I read and think.  A few different movies come to mind in this. I think of Amazing Grace and the slave trade that was going on. Then I'm kind of reminded of the movie Bewitched with Will Ferril and Nicole Kidman. We've been watching it recently. It gives a good look into the tv show industry on how quickly things can change on the set. Nicole plays Elizabeth Bigelow, a witch that really wants to be a normal person. She auditions for the role of Samantha on the remake of Bewitched. Her whole goal is to be with Will Ferril and to be normal. Using no powers. This works for a little bit, and then Will Ferril (jack white) reveals how much of a jerk he is. She then resorts back to her powers to make him like her and the unexpected happens. She learns that she didn't need and really didn't want to have things happen like this. She makes things normal as though they never happened. She confronts him on his attitude, which to everyones surprise, he submits. How many times have I done my own thing and regretted it? Or if I was being manipulated and I wouldn't take it? How many times has my focus been off of God? Not many, but is has. Or its on God and I still do the wrong thing. After Elizabeth realizes that she shouldn't have made jack white like her. She reversed it and let things happen. I know I can't reverse things so they never happened but that's why I have to strive to keep committed to God. Even when I screw things up, he's not surprised, because he planned that too.

Hits me, sure I can live my life according what I want to live it for. I can have my standards and my routines to make sure I have control. It will have its season. But if I'm not in seeking God's direction throughout it, I can't think clearly. As soon as Elizabeth quit controlling her world, she became happier. I need to be a slave to God and He'll remove the thoughts of being a slave to my job or anyone else. I can bewitched in my own way or befree in God's way. What a battle.

Freedom to Breach

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love

Galatians 5:13 NLT

Very clever scripture. live in freedom, but don't take advantage of it with my sinful nature. use it for good. Sip some coffee, I read and think. The word "satisfy" stands out to me. And then  I see again the word "called". I'm reminded of Breach. A true story about the capturing of FBI agent Robert Hanssen who is caught selling secrets to the soviet union.  Robert cover's his secrets up by portraying a great family man life style. He's always involved with the investigation of a mole in the system. Yet all along he know's that he's the mole. After he's caught, they ask him why he did it. He says, the "why" doesn't mean a thing does it? I proved our security sucks. To Breach is to rupture, to break, a violation, break trust.

How many times have a I broken trust with God. I have proven to myself that I suck as a christian. I've proven  that I can do anything that I want at anytime. But, I've been called to live in freedom, yet I take that and satisfy my sinful nature. I should be using it to serving others. Which I do, don't get me wrong. I wonder what made Robert Hanssen decide to breach. He was one of the head agents, he knew all the rules, he knew the system. And that's why he did it, because he could. I've been a christian forever, I can go into any church and feel at home. I can fit right in, I know the motions. But, am I still satisfying my sinful nature? Of course.   Robert Hanssen makes a comment that stuck out to me though. "Now, could the mole be someone from the Bureau, not the CIA? Of course. Are we actively pursuing that possibility? Of course not. Because we're the *Bureau*. The Bureau knows-all. Cooperation is counter-operation, and that's the mentally. Of course the enemies of this country aren't so picky. They'll work with anyone who shares their hatred of us. The Bureau hasn't learned that lesson yet."

Hits me, Robert Hanssen was angry and knew how to cover everything up. Why, don't I live in freedom, am I so angry that only my sinful nature can relate? I feel free to be satisfied in my sinful nature while I serve others? Yet I feel miserable. God's freed me from this anger and from the things that draw me to my sinful nature. Even though I know i can sin, I shouldn't. I need to live in the freedom and love everyone because that's my calling, not my obligation. Even if I'm angry, God knows and that's why he continues to call.

You call this fighting? We're finally starting to talk - Rod Tidwell

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:16 NLT




At first I'm reminded of a time with God study I've been pursuing these last 10 years. The pastor that married us introduced me to this "time with God". This scripture was among many that I read every day of the week. Sip some coffee, I read and think. The word boldy sticks out to me, everything else just falls in after that. When I have come boldly to God? If I need help, I will go to someone and get to my point with boldness. If have to be honest, I will be honest. I'm not very direct but I am bold. Can I drop what I'm doing and go right to God? not always. freedictionary.com defines boldly as: fearless, daring, and courageous. hhmm. I know have done this with God many times. Then there all the many times that I haven't. Then I get scared that he'll do something since I didn't. If I get used to coming boldly I'll be afraid of receiving an answer I don't want and accidentally believe something that isn't true or that I made up in my head.

I'm reminded of Jerry Maquire. Namely the locker room scene when he really gets mad at Rod Tidwell. Near the end he just gets honest and starts kicking things and starts venting to Rod. at the end of the scene, Rod replies "you call this fighting? I think we're just finally starting to talk." Up to this point Jerry was a just a brown noser people pleasing. Until he had a revelation about really what he thought of his career. He shared it with everyone. This got him fired, the rest of the movie brought his true heart to life. It was very powerful. He had to come boldly with his one client, who really had no hope and learn to listen to him about what really mattered in life. Yes, I want the mercy of God and the grace that He has for me. A lot of times i don't want to work for it. It wasn't until Jerry really lost of it with Rod that they started talking. Am I willing to tell God what I think and really poor my desperate heart out to him? not always. It's a challenge because I feel according to scripture I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to be grateful in hard times, and not angry. I'm supposed to hold my feelings in, have a peaceful coping mechanism, and not get depressed. Yet I need to be bold with God. I need to come boldly, not peacefully. I'll get mercy after I come.

Hits me, Jerry was thrown out by surprise, and was fighting to keep the wrong thing in tact. He needed to look at his life and not his career. He lost all of his clients but one. The one he needed to personally listen to. He had to come boldly to Rod and find out his own flaws. When I have been faced with only God to go to? I need to come boldly and just let him know what I think. It hurts and its depressing, because I feel what does God know? Then I feel Him tell me, "we're finally starting to talk".

Impure Holy Life

God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.

1 Thessalonians 4:7 NLT

I was thinking of bitterness this morning. Then I read this scripture and it occurred to me that I can become bitter when living an impure life. As I sip coffee and read and think, I'm reminded of a christian teen movie my dad lent me a month ago or so. I finally watched it yesterday with my film critics mind and christian film critic mind. The movie was called "to save a life". It hit on a ton of areas that are in the news these days. teen suicide, sex, abortion, cutting, adoption, partying, drugs, church judgement, high school acceptance, popularity. The acting was subpar as expected but the message was good. The one question that came up throughout in my head was "how are teens reacting to this?" I mean I'm the producers age. So sure I can say "wow, good message" but I'm not them. After reading the facebook comments, it did hit the teens hard.  I read and think. I find myself in this battle of holiness vs. impurity everyday of the week. As a grown man, sure I'm not facing what teens face, but I'm similar. This verse is as simple as it gets, and I complicate it. I find myself having trouble accepting God's love and calling on me. He's called me to live a holy life. Why do I have a problem with that?  In the movie, Jake was famous, he had reason to not want God, but after he knew he could have probably stopped his childhood friend from suicide, he made some practical life decisions. Why do things like that have to happen in life? We were born impure. That's why God has called us to live holy. Because we're impure. He's the pure one.

Impurities are the particles in my life that find there way into my heart by circumstance. I don't even know it at times either. Then I get hurt, angry, bitter, resentful, selfish, proud, etc. Then there's God knocking again. Hey I've called you to live a Holy life. It's like being sick, I need water, even though coffee sounds real good. I really need water. just plug me into an iv and have water constantly be coming in. I wish I could hook up to God's iv of grace and always have it automatic despite what I'm doing. It's a choice I have to make unfortunately. Sometimes its easier than others. Then there's the other avenue of not feeling worthy because i'm living an impure life and therefore I can't be a listening ear. I feel worthless to others. I feel my life needs to be saved first, and that could take years. Then I go on moping around waiting for the moment of being saved. When God's still knocking that he's already saved me and wants me to be holy. I just refuse to accept that.

Hits me, sure I can bounce back and forth between holy and impurity all my life. God will always be calling me to holiness and he uses those impurities to do it. Therefore I need to pursue God and the impurities will come to refine me and remind me that I'm no different than anyone else.

Merciful Manipulation

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

Psalm 103:8 NLT

I feel like I've read all these scriptures, yet I struggle and sin, and debate with myself. I find myself in a lot of anger lately. I'm just mad, I recently found out why too. I'm a victim of manipulation. I've been puzzled why my ears been flicked, why I've been shoulder bumped, chest  bumped, or head smacked throughout my life. I just couldn't imagine someone having so much confidence that they are right, that they will make anyone believe them. They make it all about them, yet they make it about you. It's really strange. I'm a nice guy, and couldn't imagine trying to manipulate someone into my ways or to do something for me. That's so mean and wrong. Then it hit me that, its their insecurity.  I'd like to see two manipulators together. That reminded me of the church. Then my wife stopped me because I wasn't all accurate. Then the images of every bully started appearing. I was enraged. Then I read this verse. I read and think.

Both of us are insecure and looking for acceptance, we react to rejection in different ways, they both hurt. what is pain for? Then I think of Christ and how he went through pain while on earth. He was born in a manger (very bad conditions). The scriptures state I need to be like Christ, let Christ live in in me. I feel like I'm in star wars and Obe-one canobi is instructing me. I feel like Luke, "i''ve learned so much and now I need to go". I read and think, then I find myself trapped in the memories of the many manipulators I've dealt with.

Hits me, no matter how squashed my heart gets, or deformed I feel, or stuck or whatever I feel. It's what God thinks of me and not how someone is trying to manipulate me. Can I handle the numb feeling I get when the manipulation kicks in and I feel like strangling and mangling the person doing it? The same merciful lord that is after me is after them too. Because really, we're both angry. We both are searching for compassion and want that unfailing love but are trapped. The whole thing of praying for the bully, thats a whole other story.

Hugo

Come and see what our God has done, what awesome miracles He performs for people!

Psalm 66:5 NLT

Its been a crazy few weeks in our home. Last week we were in the hospital with Shayne, she gave us her flu and now she's better this week and mommy and daddy are struggling with it as we continue to work. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I first thought it said, God will make a way. But I find it saying "look back and see what God did". How many times have I thought the other. I'm always in the mindset of "I'll see what God is going to do" How he'll use me. But I don't look back and see how I got to where I was. I look back too much at wonder why I'm not where I want to be. It's really weird. I'm very optimistic, I'm always looking to see where God wants me and my servants attitude but I have a hard time looking at my past and thanking God for it and seeing the awesome miracle he performed.

I'm reminded of the movie Hugo. I got it for Christmas from my mother in law and after seeing bits a pieces of it over a 3 week period, I really enjoyed it. Hugo is a boy who's dad has died. Prior to his dads death, they had both discovered, kind of a robot, and were in the process of fixing it. Hugo begins fixing the robot on his own by stealing different mechanical toys from a toy shop. He is fascinated by the owner and simply won't leave him alone. Once the robot is fixed it begins to draw strange pictures that Hugo brings to the owners attention. The pictures reveal the owners past as a magician and a movie maker. At first he's very upset with Hugo, Hugo eventually comes across a film historian who is a big fan of the owners films. This meetings ignites a film tribute night for the owner that was 30 years in the making. Hugo finds a new home with owner and his grand daughter (i forgot to mention her). How many times have I just left my past behind and hated it? Why don't I look for God in it? Hugo was only trying to finish what his dad and him had started, he wasn't expecting to find a new family to be part of. The owner was expecting to just be a toy collector and leave his glory days behind. As I look back at my past, I need to see how God was there, sure I'll be resentful and angry and try to figure out what happened, then what?

Hits me, sure by habit I'm going to be angry one way or another about how I was raised or why I was rejected, or I made this choice or that one. Or why I was treated a certain way. God was there, I was miserable, but now he's made me who I am, and He's constantly knocking on me for the move, so when I look back and see Him there, and not a mess.

Behind the scenes

Hebrews 4:14-16

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 

 

At first I'm not sure what to think as always. However this morning I impulsively searched for behind the scenes in the movies. This scripture really makes me think of the behind the scenes in my life. The things that make me who I am. I'm also reminded of when I get into production and get my lighting out. I love creating that interview scene, setting up that shot. Whenever I watch a movie with special features, I'm always interested to see how they made everything. I like to see what the director was thinking, even watch the movie with commentary about a certain scene. Whenever I'm in production i try to take photos of the set as well.  To me the makings is what makes the editing possible. I find I see christ the same way. He's behind the scenes living in me. I ignore him like I do the credits. All these people in this long scroll which I simply just turn off and eject the dvd or leave the theatre. These are the people that made everything. These are the camera people, make up, set designers, the people that created the movie world for my enjoyment, which took years to make. Yet I only look at the actors, the people that are made to look good. I find myself not even thinking about the credits. When I produce videos, the credits are as important as the video. Giving credit is huge or else I'll look terrible. I read and think. Here's Christ's example of unity. How he directs me is up to him. I can go on in this movie I call life and Christ will knock on my heart and say do this or do that. Listen to your wife, or say no to this job, or we need to talk because you're getting out of character. When Christ yells cut, I need to stop. His example on earth was what I need to follow, and he'll show me each scene. 

 

Hits me, I love behind the scenes photos, I love telling peoples stories. What about telling Christ's work in me? I find I have to give credit to where credits due. Christ is behind the scenes, he wants me to seek his direction in my life, not him seeking my direction.  I can't live his life without Him directing me or the people who puts in my life to help protect me. Oh I will try, believe I'm really good at that.

Failing Faith

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

1 Corinthians 16:13 NLT

The first I think of, is how crazy important this is in life. Whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. Its weird how things happen when I don't expect it. Its like one of those movies, where the men aren't ready, the audiences knows something is about to happen. Or when the hero is ready because he's been up all night waiting for it. It's like showing up for a gig with nothing, no gear, nothing. Can I work without my tools? I was thinking the other day about sin. About the different types of ways things creep in. I narrowed it down to two different things. The unexpected failures, and the moments when I look to fail. Then why do I say failure? That's what sin makes me feel like. A failure full of shame and stupidity. I can't but think of our economy and how it has influences so many. Then I'm reminded of George Bailey from Its a wonderful life. He was caught off guard on christmas eve when his uncle misplaced $8000. He was excited about his brother coming home after winning the medal of honor, and then he got hit by this missing money. This made him flip his hood. that's a lot of money still. He got to the point of taking his own life. He really got hit hard. How many times have I been hit hard to a point of that kind of dispair? Really, never. I'm too positive. But this last October and November brought me to a realization that I had let my guard down. I thought I was on guard, good in faith and all that. But I wasn't. I couldn't even blog I found. I had put my full trust in man without knowing it. My wife did and I never heard the end of it.

Hits me, George was always fighting potter about finances. But one thing he had which potter didn't have was friends. The whole point of his business was helping people out. I'm not meant to stand guard alone or this scripture wouldn't have been written. God will put things in my path that will be an open door to put my guard up. He doesn't want me to be paranoid around every corner, but to let Him live in me. George had to be reminded of that too. He had to be reminded that he wasn't alone. I get trapped thinking that I can have faith in my own planning and then put God on the shelf for later. Its a process that I grow in, that I fight through, and that I question.

Marriage advice for Singles

Genesis 2:24
This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

What is united into one mean anyway? I believe this is a mentality that you won't understand until you're married.




Marriage Advice to Singles

This is from Nathan but with permission from Susan

For those of you who grew up with me from day 1 or have known me throughout my life, you know I wasn't the quietest guy you've met, and didn't really leave the ladies alone. Now that I'm married, I’ve had a chance to think about what advice I wish I was given back in that time and now am giving it.  Some things you may think are absurd and aren’t correct, but their my opinions.  Something I've been working on the past few years.  Sorry so long

1. Even if you say your not looking, you are, because you're human.

2. If its obviously love at first sight, that’s great, they'll let you know too

3. Guy or girl, we all send vibes if we're desperate and it doesn't work. You'll just scare them off.

4. Remember, either of you will have to take a risk sometime

5. God will line someone up for you in his timing, regardless of your relationship with Him.

6. Whatever struggles you currently have, will go right with you. They might be toned down a lot, but later on in your marriage when you're relaxed, they will come out.

7. If you're in a relationship and are scared to get serious, remember everyone goes through this.

8. As a single person you have your own dreams and desires and would like to fulfill them, once you meet someone else, you’ll share theirs as well and have to make that important too.

9. Men and women alike notice those who do not notice them, so no need to feel unnoticed.  We’re all insecure, so if you want to be noticed, be confident in yourself.

10. If you start dating someone, and get confused and nervous throughout it, remember they were attracted to how you WERE in the beginning and not to how you think you need to be at the moment.

11. If you've made some mistakes, don't even feel God is going to punish you and give you someone terrible, He doesn't work like that. He'll give you someone best for you. And don't be thinking of people who are best for you as you read this.

12.  If you begin dating someone, be ready for all those other people who were interested in you, to flock to you. Somehow you send a vibe out and they all begin calling you or getting in contact and giving you attention.  This is because you now present a challenge to them.  Just be ready for it, because it will happen.


DO's

1. Guys need to shut up and let the women talk. Ask the girls, questions about them and REMEMBER what they said.

2. Play the field, see who's out there, then when the right one comes around, it'll be obvious between both of you.

3. If you're compassionate, show it

4. if you're a jerk, show it

5. Know who you are and believe it. Your identity is huge, if you don't know who you are, then you will find other things or people for that identity, and then you'll crash. You're identity is in Christ. It’s not in your talents or abilities.

6. If you're shy and just don't want to leave the house, leave the house.

7. If you get confused and just are saying "i don't know" all the time, first remember satan loves to confuse us and second, look at your gut feeling.

8. You need to feel comfortable with you when you're with them, if you can't, you need to look at yourself again

9. Learn to chill and relax by yourself

10. Be content being single, no rush.

11. If you can tell they like you and you don't like them back, tell them. Don’t lead them on.

12. If you’re not used to being good friends with others, work on that first.

Scenerio's:

1. If you like someone you met at camp or some mission trip, etc. it's called "camp or mission fever". These can turn into great friendships and sometimes marriage but don't let the atmosphere influence your feelings. Just feel blessed to have met such great people.

2. "But I'm just waiting for this person to come back to the good side". This can very well happen and has happened. In these cases, its best to not worry about it or them, and listen to your friends and family very closely.



DON'T's

1. Don't fall in love with (the idea) of someone. Yes we all want to get married and be in love and live happily ever after. BUT, some get infatuated with the thought of having someone and being held and being with them (the idea), DON'T. Be smart and practical.

2. If you can tell the girl or guy isn't into you, DON'T try to make them get into you, it won't happen (some people are just Really nice)

3. Everything from your past will go with you, DON'T think a relationship is going to erase your past or theirs. It can help, but it won’t permanently fix anything.

4. Don't try to impress them, being yourself will impress them without knowing it.

5. You cannot worry about it, DON’T be scared if they're not calling you or messaging you, DON’T read into their replies, unless you know for fact that you hurt them. Still give it a few days.

6. Don't beat yourself up for being you, you know you, you know if you're not being you.

7. Don't play with the other persons emotions

8. Never lead anybody on

9. Don't rush into things (let the paint dry) like 2 days. Remember if you marry them you need to marry your best friend, not someone you're in love with the fact "I'm in love" with.

10. Don't think marriage first off, be aware of them too, them as a person

11. Don't be who you're not

12. Don't be doing any pedestals, you'll just get hurt, because they will feel uncomfortable

13. Don't become like a computer and be one tracked minded to keep from feeling lonely.

14. Don't limit yourself to one location, and that I mean church’s.  Don’t ever think that your denomination is the only place that you’ll meet someone. It could be, but since God never made up denominations (we did) don’t limit yourself.

15. Don't ever think marriage is going to fix your life, because it won't, without a lot of work.

16. There is no need to rush anything. It's well worth the wait.

17. Don't be looking for someone who's best for you. Majority of the time you don’t know.

18. A lot of us have been raised with an image of what a married life is supposed to be.  Such as “have a set number of kids, nice house, nice neighborhood, good job, kids are all cute for church on Sunday, wife does her things, the husband does his, kids are playing in the yard”.  Life is great! HAAAA. What planet are you on? DON’T think like this. Parts of this may happen for a season but most likely not. You will have the marriage and family God has for you, NOT how you might think and NOONE does.  Never compare yourself to what it appears other people have.

19. Don’t freak out when you see them laughing and hanging out with someone else.  People don’t get interested so quick, they like to chill, let loose.  If they are dating, don’t worry, if they get engaged, don’t worry, if they get married, it’s over for you and you need to move on.  And I mean MOVE ON.  You have no business hanging out with them as though you’re both single.

20. Don’t get scared if you find yourself confused, that’s completely normal.

FACTS about marriage

1. Two Christians or Two people of similar beliefs can get married

2. Two non-Christians can get married

3. A non-Christian and a Christian shouldn’t get married, when stress levels hit their peak, things won’t work.

4. You are marrying someone for you, not your family. Your family should like them but don't marry them for your family.

5. Marriage is not like a job promotion. Job's and careers come and go, but marriage is there to stay.

6. When you're single, you can just go home and be rid of everything. When you’re married, you can be rid of everything but still have emotional responsibilities with your family, even when you’re drained.

7. When you've had fights with your siblings or parents, you can just go to your rooms or homes, you can't do that in marriage.

8. Marriage is a mentality that is developed and has to be fed and nurtured. Marriage is not a project that ends with the signing of the license. It begins with the signing of the license and is fed and modified everyday until you die or it will die and many have.

9. Marriage is NOT for the selfish, but the for the selfless.

10. Marriage will show you how selfish you really are and you'll be working on it forever or NOT.

11. If you choose not to work on it, you will put your family through a living hell and wish you were there too.

12. Marriage is a very much like a battery, + and - must be together for anything to work, if not, you're dead.

13. If your friends and family are pushing you to get married, ignore them, marriage is not like renting a car or buying a house, its a lifetime commitment that requires work and lots of it at times.

14. There's nothing wrong with you, its just not time yet, you don't want to make a mistake.

15. You're going to meet a ton of the nicest men or women and none of them could be the right one. Some friendlier than others, get used to it, get over it.  When the right one comes around, it will be scary but evident.

16. If you're a Christian, and you've met someone special, and all of a sudden you're totally doing great spiritually, DON’T take that as a sign, that doesn't mean it's meant to be.

17. If you end up getting married, don't think you have to be on this perfect spiritual high on your wedding day.

18. the first few months of marriage can be tough.  Be aware that your insecurities will be at there peak.  Don’t worry, give it time, its very much like a starting a new job, you must give yourself time to get around the hard stuff and expectations, conflicts, disagreements, etc.  It may not be bad, but can be.  The filter (if you want to call it that) that was on your mind and eyes while you were dating and engaged is now gone and you can think and see everything like you did prior to meeting each other.  This is where the true tests begin,  don’t worry, its ok.  You’ll get over it.

19. If you’re a relational person and have many friends and chat a lot, and help people emotionally a lot.  Despite how close your outside friendships are, or who they’re with. Your spouses needs come FIRST, not second because you met them second. You’ll be very tempted to put what you think is important first.  All your emotions go to your family now, not any one stranger you meet, who (you know you can help).  Your flesh will crave everyone but your family for some reason.

20.  FEARS, It doesn’t matter how many you have, in marriage they will all be dealt with in one way or another and you will hate it, because you don’t want to go there.  Yes your spouse will help you and you will hate it and will fight them but will have to face them.  So be ready.

Advice for guys:

1. Don't go and kiss the girl you like, that doesn't work very well

2. Don't ask the girl "what's that stuff all over you face, oh its make-up"

3. If its a first date and she's late, and you brought no money anyway, expect it to be your last date.

5. Yes its true that many girls are attracted to instrument players, worship team people, etc. DON’T get into it, for that reason. If they come and sit down to listen to you play, don’t read into it.  I am a soundman and I’ll hit the mute button.

6. Just because you’re up on stage singing, doesn’t mean you’re all Godly.  Us tech’s behind the scenes know really how you are.

7. If your girlfriend is giving you hints of marriage, don't joke with her, put yourself into marriage mode and set a date for yourself to propose. This will tell you if you're ready for it. Don't be playing with the girls emotions, if you're serious move forward with it. Women need security, don't be playing them for years and years. If you’re really committed, get married.


Here’s a little thing I thought up about preparing yourself for marriage


Start by thinking about what you do from the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed, every detail.

Areas of your life that if you could master these, you would consider yourself a good person.

Areas of your life that you don’t mind letting go of

Areas of your life that are you, (what do you value?).  By doing these things, it’s your personality coming out, this is who you are.

Areas of your life that you recognize you’re not good at.

Areas of your life that you consider no big deal and you want to keep them as they are

Now that you’ve thought of that
The areas of your life that if you could master these, you’d be great.  These will never leave you, you will deal with this for the rest of your life.  Marriage will not fix this.

Areas of your life that you don’t mind letting go of:  these will not be a big deal to your spouse, you letting go of them won’t even phase your spouse.

Areas of your life that are you: these will drive you spouse nuts at times, and the same with you.  These you will learn to love and learn to sacrifice.

Areas of your life that you recognize you’re not good at: these will also drive your spouse crazy but, your spouse probably will be stronger in these areas.

Areas of your life that you consider no big deal and you want to keep them as they are:  these areas you will probably have the biggest arguments about. You also will learn to love this about your spouse


What does the phrase “working on your marriage” mean.

It’s all about compromise, and what does compromise mean.

Here’s a simple situation that Susan and I had that explains compromising.

On one of our few road trips to Holbrook, I decided that I wanted to watch a movie on the way.  So almost to Payson I told Susan to get the movie out.  She became very frustrated and upset and stressed.  I calmly tell her how to hook it up, and that just increases everything.  Honey you like watching movies I say, this isn’t the first time.  Well I forgot that I was driving at the moment in construction and (stressing Susan because she hates being trapped and confined) and we had left late the morning because I didn’t get home from work until 1 am (she stressed that she won’t have much time for mom now).  She had never connected my gear up for DVD and she was looking forward to having a conversation on the way UP.  So I pull over and put my dvd away even though she now wanted to watch the movie.  Now we had 1hr and ½ to figure out how to deal with this situation. Silence……….so after a lot of compromise we figured out that she would like to watch movies on the way home and talk about things on the way there.  Agreed, or so I thought.

Compromising and Expectations.

Be able to compromise and have no or very little expectations

We were never meant to be glorified

I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.

—Luke 12:8

 

At first I'm thinking, Have I read this one before? I think I have. It's pretty clever. I find that acknowledging someone is alot easier than acknowledging God. Why is that? Yet I find myself doing it alot. Sip some coffee, I read and think. It's the scene from elf when the manager announces that Santa will be there the next day. Elf just cheers in excitement and everyone just stares, as if he's so weird. He didn't care though. I'm also reminded of a christmas carol. Where scrooges nephew and employee didn't care of what scrooge thought of their enthusiasm of the holiday. Then I keep on thinking about what keeps me from acknowledging Him?  It's the balance of the creative side and the logical side. The balance of right brain and the left brain. Where's the bridge? For some people, this is really challenging. I remember when I was growing up, how hard it was to give credit to people. It just seemed weird. Now as an adult, if I don't give credit to where credits due, its disrespectful. When editing a video, acknowledging people in the credits a is a very big deal. I'm also reminded of a phrase I made up almost 20 years ago. "We were never meant to be glorified". We can't handle being glorified. It's weird when some acknowledges me. I don't know what to do with it. It's like I get stage fright. Like when I played basketball, I got such stage fright when i was on the court. I couldn't focus, I'd get the ball and it was like I was scared. Like I didn't know what to do. Put me in back of a sound board and I'm fine. I basicly wasn't designed for basketball. Kinkel's just don't play sports. We're good at indepedant stuff, like volleyball, running, gymnastics, etc. Hits me, God designed me to glory Him, not the other way around. Its tough because I find myself beating myself up instead of having confidence. It's evident in main stream media when someone becomes a megastar over night. The public is acknowledging them, because the public love's new talent. But the talent can't handle that. We're not supposed to, its not in our programming to be handle accreditation but in God's.

Popularity Contest

“Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.” Romans 12:4-5 NLT

Oh yes, the body verse. I always had the idea in mind that everyone was equal, no matter what they did.  Then I found myself thinking only those who attended church and were involved were equal. I'll never forget being at camp back in the 80's and my cousin Stephen approached me. I was just 12 and he was 6. He said Nathan I wish I was as popular as you. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I told him, I wasn't popular but just liked to have fun. Sure I had a few people around me, but that didn't make me popular. I find that the church has turned into a popularity contest and then all about numbers, and why are we dying? I find I'm still recuperating from the days of isolation of going through the motions of church life. I keep on seeing Christ's body in this scripture. Not mine, not ours, but Christ's. It's like on Lord of the Ring's. It wasn't their ring, yet they all craved it except froto. How many times, have I wanted to explode my church with an awesome video show, but they didn't want it. How many times did I have ideas that I kept myself. I kept on thinking it was my church. Then how many time's did I not want to invite people because of how pathetic I felt at church already. The amount of clicks I had no idea was there. I was actually in the mindset that I had to fix people. I would mozy around the room and make sure everyone was "doing good" and happy. You became part of the popular group, or included on the leadership team, or wherever you "fit in". It's about my looks, personality, how I dress, what I do for a living, that fact that I cuss, drink, don't attend alot, etc. People's view of my spiritual growth now depends on how often they see me at church. How pathetic. My right hand could easily look at my left hand and say "why don't I get a wedding band?". Because that's how it is. I found I did the same thing at home. I read and think.

Hits me, God has given the example right here. Its as simple as that, yet I'm going to look at everyone else and point a finger. I'm going to compare our differences instead of how equal we are. What's supposed to be love becomes a popularity contest and how often I attend for the hour and half. Yet I find that I need my brothers to reinforce that it's Christ's body and not mine. He's the popular one that I need to let him show his look and personality, not mine.

Name Brand

Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

Luke 6:31 NLT

At first I'm thrown off by how old of a scripture this is. But as I look at it. It's so relevant for today, it stinks. Sip some coffee, I read and think. I woke up this morning thinking of branding. It's the stamp that you put on a cow to claim it as your own. In this day and age its the credibility factor. Susan and I were in Michaels last night and I wasn't aware that my attire indicated store manager. I kind of discovered that when people came rushing up to me for help. So I quickly rushed to Best Buy. I was amazed of my attire. All I was wearing was my cargo kacki pants and black polo shirt. Don't go into Target either, at least not with a red polo shirt. I kept on thinking about branding, on how I appeared to be approachable. What is it about people, that makes them scary, that makes them feel safe. It's just like in business. Just as Richard said in TommyBoy. "In a sense the people are buying you". I am my own Brand? I was asked recently, if it was dangerous to share tips and tricks to with other video producers. I said, no. I can give any advice, it all depends on how they wants to use it. No need to feel threatened. It's the new trend, it's how business is made. My dad told me this week, that connecting with people used to be on a weekly basis. Now its within minutes. It's all gone back to the good ol days.  I keep thinking of what branding is though. In today's society, its a word many people use. But what does this mean to me and myself? Do people see Christ when they see me? Or do they see some guy trying to help, some guy thinking out loud, laughing out loud, distracted. When you guys read these blogs, what's going through your mind? This guy is crazy.

Hits me, I have often thought that I could show people my dvd collection and they would know the kind of person I am. I could show them the video's I've produced and they would see where my heat is. Look at the photos on my phone and you'll see what I am all about and how I think. Look at my apps and you'll see how I spend my time. What brand am I, how do I brand myself? Do I even need to think about it? or just let God do his thing in me? I represent God terribly at times. A brand represents character, ability, reliability, and dedication. I'm not like that all the time. I feel generic at times, then I feel high end. The more I let God do what he wants with me and I really listen, He'll show his brand to everyone without me thinking about it. As the scripture says, treat them as you want to be treated, as simple as that. Even though I feel generic, He's made me named brand.

Power of Love

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love.

1 Corinthians 16:11 NLT

The first thing that come's to mind is the amount of times I let my guard down on a daily basis. The moment I am decide to get comfortable, I get hit. It's like that war scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the guy decides to take his helmet off in warfare because he realized it just saved his life. Sip come coffee, I read and think. It's interesting, I read about all this power and then it supposed to be delivered in love. It's like the song the "power of love". It's Marty on his skateboard hitching a ride onto the back of this truck completely empowered but with fear that he's late for school again. He's his own person, though. I then wondered how Marty met Doc Brown. After some research, one of the co-creators of Back to the future shared with fan's

"Okay, from the horse's mouth (yes, I'm the horse -- er, co-writer, co-creator): We never explained it in the movie. But the history of the characters that Bob Zemeckis and I created is this... For years, Marty was told that Doc Brown was dangerous, a crackpot, a lunatic. So, being a red-blooded American teenage boy, age 13 or 14, he decided to find out just why this guy was so dangerous. Marty snuck into Doc's lab, and was fascinated by all the cool stuff that was there. when Doc found him there, he was delighted to find that Marty thought he was cool and accepted him for what he was. Both of them were the black sheep in their respective environments. Doc gave Marty a part-time job to help with experiments, tend to the lab, tend to the dog, etc. And that's the origin of their relationship. - Bob Gale"

Read More at: http://movieline.com/2011/08/16/how-did-marty-and-doc-brown-first-meet/#utm_source=copypaste&utm_campaign=referral

 http://movieline.com/2011/08/16/how-did-marty-and-doc-brown-first-meet/

 Then there was Star Wars where Luke had Obi Wan to guide him. I'm fascinated by the 80's movies and how they promoted this mentoring. I'm amazed of how easy it is for me to put my guard down. When I was working in hotels namely at the Sheraton. The CEO often spoke the phrase, "don't let your guard down". I had to really think about this. Then it hit me, this hotel is not my home, I cannot treat this like my home or else I won't care what I do here. I'm a guest as well. We want to make our guests feel at home here, not us. How many times have I treated restaurants, people, God as though they are family and not really cared. I read and think, it seems like this contrast of good and evil mixed to be love. It's like I work the best at times when I'm depressed. It's when I'm not expecting to do be an impact that I am. It's when I have too big an ego that I embarrass myself. Sometimes I find, I just need to be. Just be, quit trying and just be. It's the desire to want more, to be better, its the dilema's of my insecurity that flame up my excuses to not want freedom. Then my guard is down, there is no faith, and I feel like a wimp. I find that I use my background of God and bible knowledge, as an excuse to not desire strength. It's like I think that I can just go to it for back up. Hits me, I'll be tempted forever by who knows what, but the way God works is so that I can let Him work in me. My guard has to be up for whatever situation I get into. That's how he loves me, I guess you can call it the power of love for such a wimp like me.

Serving feeling Stupid

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

1 Corinthians 15:58 NLT

The first thing that come's to mind is the passion God gives me for things. That zeal to run faster to work harder and hopefully work smarter. I've been at starbucks these days at about 1 pm, to focus on anything I have to do online, except upload videos. sip some eggnog latte,  I read and think. This hits home a little bit. I have done a lot of stuff for God and sometime's I felt it was useless. It's like I don't here feedback about a video or something else. I feel its a failure. Do I have failure issues? yes.

I've been watching Christmas vacation recently, and the movie hits me a different way every time. It's like here's Clark Grizwald, he won't give up on have a great family christmas, you couldn't keep him from having the christmas spirit. It's also like elf, you just couldn't take his joy away. It's crazy of how many things in my life, I really value. I can't but recall that camp scene again. Where I noticed some of my friends totally on a super spiritual high. I thought maybe I can get there if I act like them? What can be done for God? What is doing things for God? I think its when I don't want to do the right thing and I do it anyway.That sometimes means for me  that I break my leg for a friend. I practically give them my life. Elf knew how to welcome Santa.. Clark knew what it would take to have a great christmas. They both shared enthusiasm and that it would be worth it. I've lost count of the many videos I've done that either people forgot about or lost interest in. I totally lost money on them but I made them because I knew what I needed to do. It's the time after everythings done that i find myself depressed. I find myself doubting that anyone liked it. Did it work? Did the message help? Even doing these blogs, I find that I do it for myself more than anything and if they help someone else, awesome. I feel like the oddball alot, the weird one, the different one. It's like this vibe that I give to people when I'm thinking video. I don't understand how they can't share my excitement. But where do I get my excitement. It's like a cook thinking about what they could make for a feast. Like a contractor who envisions what he could build. It's like a photographer who can see the shot. A movie director who can see the story on the screen. I can't be ashamed over who I am. Whats to be embarrassed about. Then the temptation comes that I can only serve God in church or outside the country. That I can only be a teacher, preacher, greeter, usher, worship team, sound booth, etc. If none of those, then what? I always saw myself preaching but knew it wouldn't happen. I give people the wrong vibe. It's easy to get depressed about it and not feel needed or wanted. Especially when I have an idea that I believe is from God and it gets shattered. Or it has to be approved first, Unless I know someone on the inside. Some thoughts I need to keep to myself I guess. With me being so black and white, I just don't mention anything anymore. But what does God really mean? I find myself fighting patience and understanding in the knowledge of Him. I'm too impulsive.

Hits me. God will knock on my heart about anything, regardless of what it is, I need to be enthusiast about it. I have energy anyway and thats the challenge. If I don't feel like it I won't move. And when I'm serving him and obeying, even when I feel depressed and upset about it, I know its not useless (especially when it seems so little dinky). That's really hard too because sometimes I think things are just a lost cause. My ideas of service are not His, His ways aren't mine and I need to accept that. Elf knew it and so did Clark. Even if it's weird and doesn't make sense, just like Elf said "I just like meeting other humans that share my afinitie for elf culture". or something like that.

Search, Strength, Seek

Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.

1 Chronicles 16:11 NLT

At first I'm thinking that, it says search me oh God and know my heart. Then as I read closer, it was the other way around. It was a busy Thanksgiving weekend. We started with family and ended at the ranch, which we hadn't been to in 3 years. Shayne absolutely loved it. Sip some coffee, I read and think. How many times have I asked God for help but haven't sought him out? It's really weird, It's like deciding to take a class about software I want to learn, and the deciding not to and I'll figure it out myself. Can I figure this life out by myself? I've tried and have discovered that life you don't figure out, your life, you live.

I read and think, I have to remember that I'm the one who abandon's God, not Him, but me. I'm the one who struggles, not Him. I'm the one who does dumb things, not him. Why don't I study and really search him? Because I feel like I know the gear enough to make it work. I know life well enough to make it work. God wants to show me more and believe that I can get the most out of him. It's nuts, the more I surrender the more he puts things in my path to get me closer to Him. I really am bad at the challenges though. It all depends on the challenge too. I'm amazed of how God likes to challenge me, how he likes to push my buttons, it's actually a great training technique. How many times will he give me a shot until he gives me a break? He wants me to find his strength. But how do I do that? It's like watching a movie over and over, I can memorize every line and know every scene, but until I watch the movie with commentary or the makings, will I get to know the director what really their thoughts were. God's the same way, I can read the word cover to cover but if I don't ask questions and look things up and wonder about things, will I really get to know Him.  Hits me, God wants me to seek him out, He made me and knew me before I was born. No need to worry about him knowing me. It'll start as a search then I'll find strength and continue to seek him. Every day will be a new way to do it.

The Freedom to Betray God

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me."

—1 Corinthians 11:23-24

 

As I wait for the coffee to brew this morning, I read this one. This is a big one for everyone. This is the double hanger, the line is again drawn. Who and what am I living for? What is the point of life? why do I do what I do? What has caused me to think the way I think? To react the way I react? It's like in the Goonies when they get to the basement and Mikey says "it all starts here". It's the upgrade I'm afraid to get because I'm afraid of what could happen. Or I just don't understand it. It's the moment in church when the communion is passed and i just don't know where I'm at with God. I haven't thought about communion. coffee's ready. 

 

It's like when the client finally walks into the room when the set is going on for a while, everyone kind of stands still, to see if things are the way they should be. When someone opens a paper bible out in public, or they pray at a restaurant, people glance. It's the line in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade "my souls prepared, how's yours?" After all is said and done, what is this life for?

 

I can't but think of the hundreds of communions I have participated in, and I considered myself confident and humble. I read and think, How many times have  I betrayed God? Too many. He took bread on the night he was betrayed. It's like on date night, we're having a great time, and I just happen to share a few misc thoughts and ruin the whole rest of the evening.  Who is God anyway? and why do I need Him? Why does it seem that I fight this dual with Him? Do I think I can win? I can't but think of Satan and how he likes to attack me. He likes to kill my identity. I can't but think of what Christ did while he was here. Now he wants me to remember Him? I do all the time. But it's not that. It's this constant void that I have, that I seek pleasure in. It's so hidden in so many different ways that its easy to get confused. It's my free will view of everything. It's the questions I have about life and death and how my family will be. It's what do I feel like doing  at the moment, I want to watch a movie, or I want to go outside or I'm awake and need to get out of bed, its the todo's, its the frustrations, the questions, the anger, the hunger. It's this pleasure, this honesty, these hidden fears and insecurities of whatever, that form my heart and that make me who I am.  As soon as I run into God, Will I betray him again? Why is it, that only when I need Him, I pray? Nature of Habit? Is that why, I need Him? He can only fill that void and I can't stand that at times.

I read and think, hits me. I'm going to misjudge people and God. That's why he was betrayed. That's why he was denied, and that's why He came as a baby and not as a grown man. I think often of what Christ did when He was physically here, now he wants to use me physically everyday however he pleases, and he will and he has. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in or what's on my mind, he knows. I can't trick Him. He wants to live in me, that's it. Symbolically i eat the bread and drink the wine or in my language I obey Him when He tells me to act on something or to just trust Him. 

Why,WHY,why...ouch

"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

—John 11:21

 

I have to drink some coffee, before I get into this one. These days, I find myself really trusting in God and battling Him. Now that I'm on my own again, surprisedly. All Susan and I want to do is listen to His spirit. That is very challenging and tough at times. Sip some coffee, I read and think. As a christian I view this and say "oh, she doens't understand that God did that for a reason. " As an unsaved person, it would be more anger and disbelief or things just happen. It's this line again, that I see that keeps people and myself from believing God. 

 

Why does God do this? It's that one reason I don't like going to Walmart, it's that one reason I want unfriend certain people on facebook, its that one reason why I hate my life at times. It's that one reason why I keep going to starbucks and not dunkin donuts. It's those reason's I prefer certain restaurants over others. I prefer Target over Fry's. It's that same reason why family's have problems. Why people lose their jobs, they end their marriages. The same reason why I've done so terribly in business all these years. It's the same reason why I have scars. The same reason why the phrase "same sh$t, different day" exists. It's the same reason I resort to have no expectations of things. It's the same reason I have no college degree. It's the same reason people I know say I need to be "corralled". It's the same reason I fight bitterness, live in my past, fight anger, wish I was someone else. It's the same reason people don't attend church, can't stand it. It's the Why question?

Why are God's reason way different at times, than what I thought they would be. I've learned one thing when entering a set, never have expectations of what I think its going to be. I look at this verse and can say, that Martha told Jesus exactly what He wanted to hear. He wanted to know how she really felt. I don't talk to God like this hardly ever. Yesterday I lost it with him, I finally just told him what I thought. God wants to hear this stuff from me. It's not my nature to share my true feelings with him. It's my nature to share respectively what I think I need to share and hold my actually feeling of insecurity back. It's like "you never yell at dad". I've learned recently that I have been operating my video thing as a hobby for over 20 years and calling it a company. No wonder thing's weren't making sense. That's like believing in God and calling yourself a christian. It's shopping at Target so much that you call yourself an employee. It's like watching a movie so much, I think I own the rights to it. It's like being in love with the idea of a girl and never talking to her. Hits me. I'm going to be in pain in situations, my family will go through hard times, and we'll let God know how we feel. We'll have sleepless nights and be drained for weeks. God wants to know how we feel about what He's doing or not doing. He wants to hear thankfulness and bitterness, He doesn't want anything held back. It's why, the WHY!!!, the why, the why, why, why, ?