I think after I speak, not before

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14NLT

I can't remember the first time I read this verse, but it was many years ago. LOL, my words? sometimes not so much, I think after I speak not before (especially when writing these blogs). I slept ok last night, actually not good at all. Got woken up 3 times after going to bed at midnight. Sip some coffee, good coffee this morning, I love it when I make a good cup of coffee. I read and think, I read and think, sip some coffee, man this is good coffee. I can't tell you how many times I've screwed this up(not the coffee, maybe sometimes), The Hocus Pic Maneuver song "Love and Company" comes to mind, namely the line "I would say I like you if I thought that you'd care because this obsessive flirting isn't going anywhere, I'd like to try to show you that I really can be cool, but when my mouth stops starts floppin I start sounding like a fool." I'm reminded of Ace Ventura and then of Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. And then I think of the moments where I sure have been honest with people about whether I can make them a video or not. Then I think of all the sinful thoughts I've had towards others, envy, bitterness, jealousy, etc. I find myself reading this as "I think good things about God" when it's the other way around "He loves me so much that He wants me to have His mind". I get lost in the good sounding of this and lose the point of it. I'm reminded of Indiana Jones and the temple of doom, when he starts stabbing the doll and watching shortround in pain. How much of my life has been filled with "if only".  That old stick and stones phrase comes to mind. I recall moments when I could tell I had disappointed people and the look I got from them of "I don't know about you" or what  I call the "church look" where they stand looking away, but at you with a look on there face that says "I'm waiting for you to judge me or you don't know what I know". I even had a shirt a long time ago that said "I can't say what I'm thinking right now". I read and think, Hits me.  God isn't my focus a lot of the time but He is in my heart and I can feel when I'm not cool with him when I say or think certain things. But that's why He's my rock and my redeemer, because the more I first choose to be on the rock my thoughts and mind will be more controlled.  So here I've got a good foundation as long as I stay there, yet He's always with me giving me opportunities to evaluate my words. Sometimes I just can't stand it, and the let words do what they can, I reep the consequences and He's right there being my redeemer as I'm upset with myself. Hits me again, what is pleasing to God? is it careful using my words? is it not being negative? is it have a good heart? He wants me to seek Him as my rock and my redeemer with those elements that I so struggle with and let Him live his life in me.